Willing to be willing but unable to stop

Tough night

2009-07-07T20:26:00.000-07:00

Restlessness and anxiety the entire day and night. Difficulty concentrating at work on my clients. Obsessing about when my next bite will come from. Feeling frustrated after it is over. Feeling like waiting until tomorrow morning is too long and I will go crazy. Tried to watch TV tonightwith fiance but it was difficult. I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin and I could not relax. Sometime I wonder if I am being punished, like maybe this is the penance for my sins. Or maybe this is the consequence of my actions.

I hate this. But I am not turning back now I really wish I could have peace.

Constant obsessions

2009-07-07T11:00:00.000-07:00

1 month tomorrow, God willing. I wish I could say the urges have gotten easier but they have not. I suppose they are easier in the sense that there is not the option to give in to them but I am forced to ride them out. I am OBSESSED with food. I can't sit still or concentrate. I am a restless soul. If I have something to drink or eat, I feel better. But who can drink for 2 hours straight and there are only so many vegetables one can consume. As it is, I have such bad gas pains and the bloat is terrible!

The truth is I have never not been restless, except maybe when I was young but even then i had high-grade anxiety and distress relating to the family dysfunction.

I still maintain there is no way I would have made it through grad school without my bulimia. When I binge, I am calm and focused. I can work through negative feelings without food but the restlessness for no apparant reason is the most difficult.

I am back!

2009-07-02T17:37:00.001-07:00

Not sure who at this point would be reading this but need to start writing again. I have 3 weeks and 1 day free from bulimia. I have had ups and downs, mostly downs the past 2 years. This is the first time in 2 years that I have been able to gt more than a week!

I an getting married May 29, 2010. Those of you who had read my earlier posts know how obsessed I was with finding the man of my dreams. Well I found him! Not sure he is whom I pictured my life with but I feel as though my dream have come true.

I have vowed for the past 6 months to begin a strong recovery program so that on my wedding day and days after into my marriage, I would be present. My mind would not be obsessed with food. I would be feeling joy to the fullest. I would be in the moment for once.

Not sure why being in the moment is so scary. I am so restless, ALL THE TIME. The seconds go by so slow. I have an anxiety about time.

I am still here

2008-08-09T19:51:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone out there. I am still here. I still read your blogs. And I am still horribly bulimic.

I remember when I first discovered blogging after my relapse in 2006 and I started my own. It was a time in my life when I was heavy into "finding the one." Lots of dating, online, offline, etc. Many disappointments, restlessness, hurts, fears I would end up alone.

Then I met him in October 2006, six months after my relapse. My love, my partner, my future husband (I hope!) I was able to be well 1 month, 2 months last year here and there. The relationship has had its challenges. But overall, he and I are a good fit and help each other be better people. And he is the first man I have ever trusted.

So now, I wonder....I have finally found him...the love of my life, blah, blah, blah....why the fuck can't I stop?

I moved in last month which is huge for me. I have never lived with anyone. Being alone has always fed the disease. I mean even when I did have roommates, they were not into my business and it did not make it difficult to be bulimic.

Around May, I started planning on giving it up. I decided June 1st was the day. I thought, well at least if I have 1 month "sober", I will not be going through psychological withdrawal from bulimia when I move in July 1. But June 1 came and went as did the rest of the month. The whole month went by and the bulimia was worse. Not sure if it was worse because of the anxieties of moving and moving in with someone or because everyday was a "last hooray" for me and I went all out with binges.

Now here I am August 9th. Still bulimic. And what a pain in the ass it has been. Completely lying and sneaking with food. Binges in the car on the way home from work because I can't do it in front of him. He tries to kiss me and I look away because of my breath. No more taking my time, watching TV with piles of food around, "set" for the night and comfortable. Ridiculous. If he ever knew.....

Right now, I am buying time before a purge. We went out to dinner tonight and I gorged myself. I wonder if he honestly believes that because I run and work out, I can eat what I want and not gain. I mean really, while I do sneak and hide a lot, I do also eat ALOT in front of him. He never asks questions.

The other day, I thought he had gone down to look at his new car, and he came back early and I was in the middle of gagging myself silly: "Honey...are you all right?" The vomiting was so loud, I did not hear the door. Pause. "I'm fine honey...just fine." I pretended to open the cabinet door, tear open a tampon, act busy in there. 3 minutes later I flushed the toilet. Never asked about it and I never brought it up.

My refuge

2007-10-29T18:59:00.000-07:00

Bulimia is my refuge. Whenever I feel any emotion, bulimia in the moment makes "it" better. If I am excited, I am even more excited about the choices of food and the tastes that will soon swim in my mouth during an upcoming binge. With sadness, I am numb and no longer sad. If I am angry, I no longer care about anything anymore when bulimia is around. All that rage down the toilet and taken out on my body, and at least I got to enjoy myself with food.

Bulimia makes me feel strong in the moment and I could care less about anybody or myself. I no longer feel vulnerable. I am not afraid of being hurt.

Lately, bulimia has been my answer to any sort of stress and feeling of being overextended both professionally and personally.

Bulimia is the reason I got through grad school. It is the way I made it through all of the emotional abuse from my mother, the unfaithfulness of a college boyfriend, the stress of finances, the neglect of my father, pregnancy...I cannot stand it when people ask, "How did you make it through school and do so well?" My response inside my head is always, "How could I make it WITHOUT this monster?"

And that realization makes me feel like a fake, inauthentic, insincere, living a lie, a HYPOCRITE, a failure. Especially in the social work/psych world folks.... having past of pain is helpful in having insight to your client's turmoil surely but battling an addiction while at the same time counseling others? Whatever.

Over the last few years, I have been obsessed with meeting the man of my dreams, the future father of my children, the love of my life...you get the point. For almost 15 years, I have dreamed of working with people with mental health problems and have craved understanding of dysfunction in the individual, family and community at large. And my dreams are at the cusp of fulfillment...they are right within my reach....finally.

and yet.....

there is my bulimia always within reach and close by waiting for me to say yes...come in....help me forget.

Bulimia will ruin it all if I let it. And the most horrible truth about this addiction is that WE CAN STOP IT....or lose everything of value and worth that could have been beautiful.

My boyfriend has told me directly that he cannot commit or be with someone who is ruining herself. Does throwing up on a daily basis 3-4 times per day and spending $50 a day on food count?

Ups and Downs

2007-10-18T19:35:00.000-07:00

It has been over since 6 months since my last post. In reading the last post, what is so remarkable to me is how little movement I have made since then. I am in a similar place I was on April 6, 2007. Want to stop, want to be willing and yet the compulsion is so damn strong... it has a hold on me, like a demon.

Still with my boyfriend. Last night he told me he could not commit to someone who was destroying herself. I do not blame him. I would never be with an addict and certainly would not allow the father of my children be one. My love is looking for the mother of his future children and unless I get healthy, it will not be me.

Went to Thailand for 2 weeks last month! My first real vacation! Have travelled to Mexico and Canada but not for a real vacation. I did well with food. In fact, I did not binge or purge for 6 weeks leading up to the vacation. I wanted to feel normal on the trip and I did! Until i got sick with a GI problem and was throwing up every meal. By the time I got home, i had bronchitis as well and was very much under the weather. My work ended up keeping me on for full-time despite plans to cut my hours when I got back from vacation. I am convinced that the stress from work plus getting sick and not feeling like myself pushed me over the edge to throwing up again.

What a shame really. I felt beautiful in Thailand. Wore a bikini for the first time. Loved being with Brian. I think you can tell a lot about your relationship after spending two solid weeks together in a foreign country. Aside from getting sick, we had a fucking blast!

Now back at work and seeing more clients than ever at my second job. Trying to help them beat their demons when I do not have a handle on my own.

Have to do something. I would not be writing unless a huge part of me wanted recovery.

Woo hoo, the Red Sox just scored another run....3-1, Boston!!

Anyway, will start reading other's blogs and hope to get some responses. God bless...

Good Friday

2007-04-06T19:41:00.000-07:00

I had my last binge tonight. I know you all think I am in denial but this is it. This is it. "This is the end...I'll never look into your eyes again...can you think of what will be...?"

I opened up a lot to my boyfriend last night about my despair and powerlessness over this monster. I decided to try something new: I am handing over my means of payment. He will hold onto my credit cards, my check book and my debit card. I cannot trust myself and I need help. I am not going to take time off from work to do some intensive outpatient program and yet, I really need some outside intervention because my mind cannot be trusted to do the right thing. If he can just hold onto my money, the temptation will be less because it simply will not be possible to purchase binge food. I realize that there is food at work but it does not constitute a binge because it is in small amounts.

I wonder if this will work. I need it to. I am desperate.

Tonight in celebration, I went to Bertucci's with my best friend who is a binge eater and infrequent laxative abuse (which I suppose also makes her bulimia but she would never call it that). I ate 6 rolls, a whole calzone, chai soy latte, chocolate mousse, and 2 almond chocolate bars from Starbucks. I am about to puke and I cannot wait for it to be over. Then I will wash the vomit off of my face, maybe take a shower, pack a bag and drive to my boyfriend's house. I cannot wait to sleep next to him where I feel safe from myself. I am my own worst enemy and I am afraid of myself.

Hopeless

2007-04-05T17:08:00.000-07:00

I feel hopeless and out of control today. I have already b/p 3 times. It is out of control and my throat is stinging from the acid in my esophagus. When I was feeling hopeful about and desire for recovery over the weekend, I requested that my boyfriend do me a favor: Please ask me every night whether I threw up. And he has asked very night. I regret it because I am so ashamed. I thought that my desire to please him would be an incentive to withstand the cravings. But in fact, the pressure to be sober has really made it difficult and in fact has worsened my cravings.

Last night, after he asked the question and I admitted that I had fucked up, he told me that his patience was not going to last forever, that there was a limit at what he could do and that he could not "see a future with someone who is destroying herself." That last part hurt so much. It has made me even more sick today. I feel like I am sabotaging a good thing and yet someone else is pulling the strings. I am a puppet, a robot, possessed with some demon. Except the worst part about it is that I know I am possessed and being controlled and that is what is so frightening. I am frightened of this bulimia. It has taken over. Even as I write this, I am eating 1.75 quart of Edy's Samoas ice cream. In the last hour, I have consumed two bagels with cream cheese from Dunkin Donuts, 2 pieces of cake, an entire chicken with mayo (minus the legs which I ate yesterday), and now this ice cream.

I am a disgusting pig.

slips, slips and more slips

2007-03-26T18:25:00.000-07:00

I b/p twice today and in a few minutes will be a third. my mother and sister know and I have talked to them both about it openly. It actually went well...I had pictured them finding out a whole lot worse.

This past weekend I bought myself a laptop. Believe it or not, this is the first computer I have ever bought for myself and always settled for fucked up machines because of no money. Too bad I am spending so much money on binge food. I will total the amount over the last year on my new microsoft money and will include the total in a blog. Have to be accountable to myself.

I feel empty, lost, disappointed in this relationship with Brian. I feel that I am giving a lot more than he gives to me and I am feeling resentful and then guilty because of my resent and back and forth...back and forth....until I feel so sick of my feelings that I make myself sick.

I know that a huge trigger for my bulimia is feeling deprived of something...in this case of love. I love and love and love someone and when I over invest myself, I end up feeling deprived and bulimia seems like the natural response to feeding my "hungry heart."

No excuses. I make my own choices. I have decided to step back a little from this relationship and take back some of my alone time and independence. Now that I have this laptop, I have the freedom to blog anywhere and everywhere. I plan to get in touch with all of you out there who understand this horrible addiction.

And lastly, who buys 7 pairs of shoes/sandals in 1 1/2 weeks? I guess someone with a touch of hypomania does...sometimes I think this antidepressant makes me manic. At least I got them on sale.

California

2007-03-13T20:31:00.000-07:00

I went to California for the first time over the past weekend. I did not b/p from Thursday night until Sunday night. That is actually good and I had some rough cravings over the weekend, mostly on the second day of abstinence. By the third day, it was 50% easier but then as soon as the opportunity arose, I slipped.

I do not know what in the hell is holding me back from freedom. I have everything to look forward to by giving this up and everything to lose if I do not.

I bought some good skin care products from my electrologist tonight. Perhaps that will be an incentive to now clean myself from the inside out as well. I am hoping my vanity and desire for my old clear skin will be an incentive to at least significantly reduce bulimic episodes. Once I slip, I slip 3-4 times per day until the next abstinent stretch which would be several days or weeks later. I have b/p 4 times today, 4 times yesterday and even once in the airport. I am tired.

Off to bed and need to make it a priority to write more on this blog. God bless all you fellow addicts.

Day 0

2007-03-05T17:47:00.000-08:00

Well I am back to square one. I had last Tuesday through yesterday Sunday b/p free. Even got through a couple of really bad craving days and then this morning, went to the morning meeting and saw the bagels and coffee cake and even the fruit and it was like I became a robot...I just started eating and eating and eating, all day long. I stole bagels, stuffed candy bars from the vending machine in my pockets, ate in secret in the chapel where no one would see me and threw up everything. Used two different bathrooms at the hospital so not to be obvious. I b/p at least 3 times today, and am about to go purge the meatball calzone, pint of ice cream, package of cookies, popcorn, pop tarts and the snickers bar. I feel disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. All I want to do is throw up, crawl into bed and go to sleep. But life is still calling me...have to pay bills, call my boyfriend, clean my room, prepare for another 12 hour work day tomorrow. Will write again soon.

Day 2

2007-02-22T07:13:00.000-08:00

So I made it through yesterday, although the cravings were unbearable. I keep telling myself, just get through 7 days and the cravings will be less intense. The afternoons after lunch are the most difficult, especially lately because I recently started to b/p at work. Now when I go down to the cafeteria, I see all the sweets I binged on just a few days ago.

I went to Mass last night, almost didn't go because I felt very rushed. My day was back to back appointments right up until needing to be at my boyfriend's house at a certain time. I never have any down time due to the 3 jobs I carry and this relationship. Sure I am making mroe money and able to pay off mycredit cards, and yes, I have finally met someone who seems to be a nice guy, but this schedule really adds to my anxiety which in turn yields strong food cravings and a desire to binge.

Will write more later. Have to go to a meeting now.

Day 1--Ash Wednesday

2007-02-21T06:01:00.000-08:00

"Lord, help me."
So my deadline is today to give up bulimia. It is Ash Wednesday and I have been planning this for a while. I want to go to church on Easter and know that I made it through 40 days and nights without this monster.

To be honest, I already miss it. I had a great binge last night, the food tasted so good although the purging was not pleasant. My entire body is exhausted from a year of bulimia and my skin...let's just say that the beautiful skin I used to have is gone and replaced with acne and scarring.

I feel depressed about giving it up but I have told enough people about the deadline that they will be asking about it and I do not want to let them down. I know, I know, "what about letting yourself down?" To me, bulimia never felt self-destructive, only comforting, a way I was giving in to myself and all my cravings.

I decided to start going to a support group for women over the age of 25 with binge eating disorder and/or bulimia. When I got into a car accident a few weeks back from binge eating while driving, my sister-in-law and brother confronted me and found this support group online. I have been aware that it existed but was not ready to make a commitment. And plus, it is located all the way in Newton which is way out of the way AND takes place on my only night off from work.

I am inlove with a nice guy. He is the nicest guy I have ever known and I do not want to sabotage a chance at a healthy and happy relationship with very possibly "the love of my life" all because of a fucking adolescent eating disorder. I am going to be 31 years-old for God's sake.

Would like to check in on this everyday. Help...I am frightened of the cravings to come.

still around and sick

2007-02-10T09:57:00.000-08:00

i have been still throwing up on a daily basis since the last time i wrote. i have gone maybe 2-3 days at different times without it, but these periods of sanity are not often. in december i did something really dumb: i was convinced that my celexa, which was actually helping my depression, was causing acne. (never thought to myself until later, no dumbass, do you think it might be the daily vomiting you are doing that might be causing hormone fluctuations, dehydration and consequently, skin problems?) so i took myself off the celexa, right before the holidays. big mistake. i was a mess. and everyone could see it. now my family knows i relapsed, or they are guessing i have. they are not idiots. i looked terrible. and i felt so depressed.

i am also in this pseudointimate boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and have been since that first date i talked about in my last post. turns out, this guy i was not that into that night and figured was not into me is actually wonderful. it has been almost 4 months. we have great sex and alot of fun together but there is something integral missing: me. i am usually not present with him because of my bulimia. even when i am physically present, i am either obsessing about food or too fatigued to give emotionally of myself. we fight a lot, usually about my jealousies and insecurities. i am not good at allowing him to give to me. i do not think i deserve someone to be nice to me deep down inside. i am a bulimic and pathetic.

he knows, i felt i had to tell him, although he does not know anything about it in detail. i told him i was struggling but how do you begin to describe what this addiction is like to someone who has never had any sort of addiction? and the depression: frequent crying, moodiness, anhedonia, etc. i usually drink myself to oblivion to have fun and am planning on doing so tonight. drinking has become my new pastime. i feel sexy and beautiful again on the outside, but never on the inside. but at least with drinking, i forget how i feel about myself on the inside. and the sex is always great after.

he says he loves me but i do not believe him. HE DOES NOT KNOW ME! he does not know how dark i feel inside, how lost, how frightened i am of this demon. i told him not to tell me he loves me anymore. and now he will say, "i like you."

we are going out with some of his friends tonight who are in from california. not looking forward to it. i have to be "on." and i am exhausted. was trialing a new antidepressant, cymbalta, and have not slept in a long time.

i want to make more of a commitment to writing here. i hope i have not lost all of you. maybe i will respond to some of your posts so that you know i am back on. i have been following most of them anyway. God bless.

didn't make it

2006-10-29T19:49:00.000-08:00

i had a great day up until half through this first date tonight. maybe i should not date for a while. usually if i do not feel some spark, i get discouraged and then in the middle of the dinner, i will have a shift in my mind which plans on a b/p. usually as the guy is talking about himself, i will concentrate on the taste of the dinner and what i will eat after i say goodbye to him. it is such a comfort to have my food right there on a date if the date is not going well. the opposite happens when a date is going well: i lose my appetite and am in the clouds when i am with a guy i really like.

this past boyfriend did not turn out so great. i was so caught up in our relationship that i did not blog very much. mind you, i had my bulimia right beside me the whole time and never let myself feel too much for him. and i did a lot of other stupid things, like drink alot, have sex, fool around in public places and rationalize his lying. well it is over and i have remained steadfast in not seeing him anymore. almost slipped last week...at midnight out of the blue after not talking for over 1 week, i called him and we ended up having phone sex. i was going to meet him the next day "for a drink" and that is when i went into my therpist's office crying and feeling very out of control. the bigger part of me knew it would not be healthy to see this guy...but the other part of me wanted to feel desired. the feeling of being desired and attractive is very alluring to me. but it is a waste of time if it is with the wrong person. ain't getting no younger...

alone time

2006-10-29T06:34:00.000-08:00

i did something that i have been wanting to do for a long time: i did nothing! on a saturday night, i chose to go home and veg. and you know what, i feel a thousand times better this morning on sunday and going into the work week. my life needs more balance.

i shouldn't say i did nothing. i went through 4 months of receipts and bank statements and filed things. but i felt so much better after. of course it was painful to see just how much money i have spent on a binge food but i needed to face it.

i am on a new kick today! last night, i called my best friend caroline at 11:00pm and said that i would be checking in with her tonight sunday about a b/p free day. i will take it one day at a time but my goal is to go into the holidays and new year with much healthier behaviors and feeling better. i am so fatigued lately and i feel the effects of the bulimia on my body. i guess i am really not 19 anymore. i am tired of leading a double life. it is too isolating.

i have about 15 social worker newspapers/articles to get through today that have been in a major pile since my relapse last spring. i do not expect to get through all of them but a good chunk. and i am going to church in an hour. i need God in my life , i miss Him. and i know He welcomes me back with open arms.

wish me luck gals/say some prayers or send me good energy my way! thanks for all your kindness! will check in again tonight!

not kosher

2006-10-27T21:13:00.000-07:00

i am doing the thing i tell most of my clients NOT TO DO: i am tapering myself off of my anti-depressant. i do not want to be on meds. i want to do this on my own. and besides, i have given the medication several months to help me with my bulimia and if anything, i am more impulsive on it.

tonight as i drove home from my friend's house, i was thinking how much i want health. i want to feel clean inside and out. i hate bulimia and yet, i can't stop. why is that?

i am going to start going to church again and taking walks. i stopped exercising weeks ago and i miss it. paying for a gym membership that i hardly use.

just vomited in the bathroom from food over 3 hours ago. i refuse to purge in public or at a friend's house. although i have done that in the past... how can my roommate not confront me about the smell? am i really fooling her like i think i am? who knows? part of me could care less and the other part of me is very ashamed...

tomorrow when i have more energy, i will write about the latest guy drama. i have two first dates this weekend, two different guys. this match.com stuff takes so much time and commitment!! good night everyone out there.

manic?

2006-10-25T16:46:00.000-07:00

i was diagnosed with bipolar II during my 4 month rehab stay 5 years ago at Sante Center for Healing. There i met sex addicts, pedofiles, drug addicts, alcoholics and eating disordere folks. and everyone was given this diagnoses of bipolar. most patients were on anti-depressants and a mood stabilizer like depakote or neurontin, and some really sick ones on an anti-psychotic.

i never really bought into the diagnoses. especially because some of my highly promiscious times were while i was taking those meds and in fact, when i became pregnant i was on mood stabalizers for my "manic behavior."

lately, i have been hypersexual, overspending on credit cards and of course binging and purging. i feel high much of the time, euphoric when i am dating, depressed when things do not go my way. i wonder sometimes if they were right, or is this nutritional deficiencies or hormones that are causing my mood swings and impulsive behavior?

thanks everyone

2006-10-24T17:22:00.000-07:00

thanks everyone for the quick responses. it moves me to know that there are strangers out there, some on the other side of the world, who can relate to this monster and have hopeful comments to send my hopeless way.

i am in therapy and have been since my relapse back in march. also started on antidepressants which have made it easier to get out of bed in the morning and do everyday tasks. i have also seen this therapist before when i was sober and she is very good, i.e., tough. i usually do not leave therapy feeling good.

i guess it comes down to the awful fact that i am not ready to give this up. life is just too scary. and yet, there are so many people around me whom i envy...a woman at work who is pregnant with her 3rd child and happily married....my roommate who has enough prudence and money skills to save in order to purchase a new car which she did tonight...my supervisor who is married with a beautiful home and dog that i saw for the first time last week....even a client who is going on vacation to Florida....

none of these wonderful things are possible as long as i am bulimic. frankly, i spend way too much time and money on it. my debt has gone up about $2000 since the relapse. now i have $6200 in credit card debt. that is because along with throwing up massive amounts of food, i also have an overspending problem and i charge things. and due to the energy that is drained from my body as a result of bulimia, i am not able to be in a healthy relationship with anyone right now which makes the prospects of marriage and family even less likely in the near future. why am i sabotaging my dreams? all for food? it makes no sense. all for a little bit of numbness for an hour at most?

i know my last blog sounded pretty down in the dumps. but the truth is that if you knew me in everyday life you would have no idea that i was bulimic or depressed. i put on a pretty good act in my personal and professional life. if people only knew...

can't stop

2006-10-23T17:32:00.000-07:00

everytime i have had a thought to sit down and write, i find an excuse and do something else. i just cannot face myself anymore. i just threw up and am out of control. on friday, i spent the night at my sweet grandmother's house and binged on her vanilla ice cream and chocolate ice cream sandwiches. i had every intention to be good that night.

i am leading a double life and feel very alone. i can feel the tears still in my eyes from the strain of throwing up just now. i ate popcorn, a quart of my mom's homemade sauce, three meatballs, pasta, 2 pieces of bread with butter and a box and a half of kashi bars. i made myself go directly home after work without stopping at the store and still i found things to binge on... what did it was that today i found free popcorn from a pharmaceutical company marketing risperdal. this popcorn is the real fattening kind and i would never allow myself to eat it unless i was there was a purge involved after. so i snagged two packages and then i knew...i knew that with that popcorn in my possession, there would be no way i would make it through a day without a b/p.

last week, i made it though for 5 days. i sort of had a new perspective because my sister-in-law's 54 year-old mother died suddenly. she had a-plastic anemia, had two leg amputations from a bacterial infection she developed in the hospital following her bone marrow transplant and then had a massive stroke. they waited for my brother to arrive from emergency leave from the navy ship before they took her off of the machines. her diagnosis was made a month before she died. i flew down to baltimore to be with my brother and her family. i hardly had any cravings until i was in the airport on my way back to manchester. i even had too many peanuts on the plane to justify my need to binge more (by definition, 3 bags, ooooh...that is the old anorexic in me thinking that 3 bags of peanuts, you know those little bags they give you on the plane, is a binge!)

i cannot see ahead of me. i am weary. i cannot stop and i do not know what to do. i am out of control.

some random thoughts on saturday night

2006-09-02T17:29:00.000-07:00

there is really no more benefit to my continuing to be bulimic. it is getting ridiculous. i find no comfort from it anymore and i find that i crave it less and less--now doing it more out of habit and boredom than anything. i sort of wonder if i were to put in more of an effort to steer away from habit how much time i could stay sober.

my date last night was incredible. i am just trying to not "project" into the future (the word paul uses to describe what he does which is exactly what i do too). the other word that comes to mind which is so simple and yet accurate to describe my insane behavior in romantic relationships is risky "investment." i really do not know a lot about money or investing in stocks or bonds but the analogy makes sense nonetheless. i have a dangerous pattern of "investing" all my emotions, thoughts, energy, focus, concentration and entire being into a "relationship" that is only a few weeks old. why would anyone do that? it is very risky.

i really liked michelle's blog post today, particularly the following excerpt (hope it is kosher to copy and past, if not, someone please let me know):

"This is what she had to say in response to my last post about wanting to really feel all of life, even with its ups and downs. I'm so sick of keeping myself numb, afraid to feel, afraid of potential pain, so that I don't even feel all the joy and excitement, and yes, even the uncertainty and endless possibility of it all . . . I love it.

"and i say to myself, i want it all, the whole thing in its entirety, as real as it can get, and then some of its pain on top of it all- i want it all or none at all, and not delude myself with a quasi-real, or rather surreal, or perhaps unreal life made of illusions, delusions, past pains and future doubts- i rather take the pain of disappointment in the end, then have what will dissolve in the air with not even a memory left to remind what it was like... how it was... question whether i was even there in the first place... wonder how i got where i am... and not having a clue where it is that i'm going."

i too want to live in reality even if reality is uncertain and the unknown triggers fear in me. instead of projecting and living in a fantasy world, i want to try and live day by day and in respect of the value of time which is truth's best friend. living in the present and not in the future of married life or in resentment and hurts of the past. living in present and being comfortable enough in my own skin. and to still wonder and hope and dream but to not become insanely fearful of the unknown so much so that i need my imagination to convince me of a "known" which is probably false.

so to practice this and apply it to my current situation with paul:

1) what is known: we seem to have a lot in common on an emotional, intellectual, mental, spiritual and sexual level; i enjoy my time with him and am able to live in the moment and have fun; i am very attracted to him; i would like to see him again am intrigued by him; he respects my wish to abstain from sex until we know each other more; WE ARE NOT EXCLUSIVE AND THAT IS OK; WE ARE BOTH STILL ON MATCH.COM AND ACTIVE; WE HAVE BEEN HONEST WITH EACH OTHER ABOUT THIS.
2) what is uncertain and that is ok: we may or may not be ultimately compatible, he may or may not be ready for a serious relationship, our timing may be off, he may or may not accept me knowing my past and present battle with bulimia; AND THE MOST FEARFUL UNCERTAINTY OF THEM ALL, WHAT MATCH.COM MEANS TO HIM AND HOW MANY OTHER WOMEN HE IS DATING CURRENTLY.

thanks for humoring me guys, those of you out there who are reading this psychobabble... but this is what i would be writing in my journal if i still kept one. and it is an exercise that is valuable to me. and you know what, it works: he just called and left a message (notice i did not answer the phone) and i am not jumping to listen to it, wondering what he said, interpreting what he said or did not say in it. i am simply finishing this blog and trying to stay in the present.

and now the confession of the day: i did binge and purge today, after i left my mom's house and once i got home. i ate 4 pieces of homemade pizza, a piece of pumpkin pie, a whole coffee cake that was on sale, and 4 donuts. ughhhhh.... disgusting. it was not fun throwing up either.

part of the binge today was my stress and sadness about my mother. for those of you out there who know what borderline personality disorder is, god bless you. my mom has it and it took me 10 years to figure out what in the hell was wrong with her. to sum, she has the rage, paranoi, mood swings, fear of abandonment, jealousy, black and white thinking and para-suicidal behavior (i.e., her unwillingness to seek treatment and get help for her sickness).

she is sick. she has lupus, arthritis, thyroid disease, fibroid tumors, and kidney disease. she is only 50 years old. while she is sick, she uses her illness to get attention and to remain a victim. for instance, she will constantly complain about being in pain and feeling fatigue. she will add that her doctor wants her to get some blood work and then she will procrastinate for months before going to the lab. she sabotages solutions. and it is very annoying to me. i get angry at her and then my compassion, which has always been one of my strengths, dwindles. then of course, the catholic guilt comes: why can't i be more loving? why am i such a cold person? why can't i show my mother some warmth instead of my annoyance with her? and of course my reaction just adds to the vicious cycle of her poor insight that noone loves her, noone is really there for her, she is truly alone in the world.

so anyway, she is supposed to have a hysterectomy in october. she will not tell us for sure if she is going to have one nor will she commit to a date but she wants to prepare her house for it. so today we sanded down the walls, washed years and years of grime off of them, and put up the tape around the molding. tomorrow we will paint.

i always have such ambivalence when i help my mother. i want to help but i resent having to help at the same time. and i feel guilt.

ok, this has been a long enough post. the wind is blowing outside. it is saturday night and i will be going to bed shortly after only 5 hours of sleep last night. trying to still be in the present. thanks for reading.

better today

2006-08-31T14:47:00.000-07:00

i am still depressed today but i know it is pms.

i talked to him last night. i told him i wanted to slow down, that i understood he needed to explore whom else was out there after his recent divorce in may and 10 years of marriage and that we were moving way too fast. i even went as far as to tell him i was starting to feel "somewhat vulnerable" and i did not want to be feeling that so soon. he was very nice and understanding about it in fact. he said he felt the same way and had been thinking about it. now at least i feel like we are now on the same page and i have no expectations.

i have a date with him tomorrow. and i am going to play it very cool, flirty but not too much. and sexual intimacy!!! just want to have fun. we are going to walk around brookline, will show him my old college (boston college) and then off to dinner and an improv show.

the thing is i am VERY attracted to him. for some reason, i have always been attracted to dark men. i have dated mostly middle eastern, indian, and hispanic men. i love that black hair, dark eyes look. i am very fair myself and look irish and there is something about the contrast in skin that is a turn-on to me. my family always jokingly but also seriously asks me what the guy's ethnicity is of whom i am dating. paul is italian but he is very dark for an italian. i need to control my attraction to him.

i also emailed other guys on match and i feel a lot less vulnerable because of that.

i have a question for jennifer though: when the guy you became exclusive with was still online, did you confront him about it? and how do you admit to someone that you were checking up on him? i have way too much pride. in fact, most guys do not have any idea how jealous and insecure i am.

just for today, i feel confident that i will not be bingeing and purging. i do not want to feel tired tomorrow or have bad skin for the date. i wish i could do it just for myself but i am not there yet.

i am nutty

2006-08-30T17:51:00.000-07:00

so i had a mini nervous breakdown today. i know it has to do with pms. i get paranoid and hysterical the week before my period, given the right triggers. and what could be more of a trigger than this new "love" in my life or rather my dance with false intimacy?

i am obsessed. in fact, i am just as unhealthy with men as i am with food. things have been going great with this guy. and then last night he did not call because he was out at a pub until 1:30am. he emailed me at that hour saying he would call today. but who stays out at a pub until 1:30am on a work night? and then today he never emailed me back and i noticed he was online on match.com for 3 hours. he just called me around 8:15 but i did not pick up. his message was not as cheerful as it is usually. granted i know that today was his first day back to school as a teacher. but why was he on match.com for so long?

ok guys, here comes the crazy part of this! i have known him LESS THAN 2 WEEKS!!!!!!
yes, have only been out with him 5 times. they were intense dates, long dates, romantic ones but i have known him less than 2 weeks.

i just do not deal well with any sort of change. he has been emailing me 3-4 times per day, calling everyday, telling me how much he likes me, that he has told his friends about me, getting a better deal with T-Mobile so he can talk to me more during the day, made me a gourmet dinner, having me meet his friends this weekend, etc. so why the change? why no email today? why no phone call last night? what happened? and it is not in my imagination. i have had my sister and friends read the emails, and they have picked up on a change as well. "what changed?" they ask.

maybe he has taken a step back and that is a good thing. maybe this was moving too fast anyway. but i feel hurt and i cannot help it. i cried a lot today. i found myself wishing i could take a break from this life, go to sleep and not wake up. i considered taking extra ativans so i could pass out early. and when i am in that much pain, the bulimia BARELY TAKES THE EDGE OFF!!!!!! i do not even have that to count on anymore.

the worst part of it is that all this time over the last 2 weeks, i knew it would end. good times with people always end. i can never count on anyone. only myself. and i cannot even trust myself to take care of myself. i am 30 years-old with no prospects of marriage, children, etc. why does it matter so much for me? am i wanting to make up for my horrible childhood?

so these are some of my crazy thoughts. it helps to write them down. i guess i will call him back now.

disgusted

2006-08-29T17:58:00.000-07:00

well, as i stood over the toilet tonight vomiting up caramel cookies, lemon coconut cake and ice cream, i felt disgusted by it. i know that is an obvious normal reaction to those of you out there who are not bulimic, but for me, it is a feeling i have not felt too often because i have become so desensitized to it. but tonight just a few minutes ago, i felt truly disgusted. and i got no pleasure from it. in fact, i have half a cake left in the kitchen that i have no desire to consume.

it has been too long since i have blogged and i have missed it. even though i check everyone else's for entries, there is something very therapeutic about this online journal for me. i love that it is anonymous and i can be completely honest and yet am able to receive everyone's feedback and support.

i met someone new. his name is paul. the first date was almost two weeks ago, really the last time i blogged. i remember doing a quick b/p before i met him for ice cream and i almost ended up cancelling because i was so exhausted from the purge. i was also convinced it would be another disappointing date, maybe because his profile said he was divorced, maybe based on how the first conversation on the phone went.

all i know is that it was one of the best first dates i have ever had. and i have seen him 4 other times since and all the dates have gone great. in fact...too great. i am just expecting things to end in a matter of time. i am so negative when it comes to men and romance. things are going along great...why can't i just enjoy it and take it one step at a time? why do i feel so vulnerable so quickly?

i need to slow things down in my mind and not be thinking crazy thoughts such as the holidays and how i want him to come with me to see my brother at thanksgiving. i do not know this person and i need to calm the fuck down. i think that is why i have been unwilling to let my bulimia go. it has been comforting these last couple weeks to get lost in a b/p and forget this feeling of vulnerability.

there will always be a reason to b/p: loneliness, anger, frustration, stress and most of all fear. i will never be completely free of these feelings. but i have got to learn to overcome this demon.

the good news is that i have certainly not engaged in this behavior everyday. i have gone 3 days in a row, usually 2. and then i will break down and do it once. like tonight, i got home from work around 7:30, was tired, got paged twice and had to intervene by the phone and decided to do it once. it was not even worth it. but at least i am not spending $20 a day for 3-4 episodes.

i need to try harder. i can't give up. i need a good solid few weeks of clean time. tomorrow is another day i guess.

Day #2

2006-08-15T16:32:00.000-07:00

i am back on track. at least i am trying. just got home from a full day at the hospital and saw two clients for therapy at night. both were males and currently at the emotional level of adolescents. both have courage admitting they need help. both are alcoholic; in fact one is dying from alcoholism, has brain atrophy from drinking so much over the last 18 years and is at risk of seizures should he drink and attempt to detox at home. he is only 30 years-old.

i really need to get serious about my recovery. enough is enough. it is just so hard the first couple of days. i want to be healthy for my clients. my passion is my work and if i am throwing up everyday, how can i expect my client to stay sober?

my plan tonight is to take a walk, eat a snack, watch a little tv and go to bed early. i have Date #4 with paul tomorrow, date #1 with another paul on Thursday and i am going alone to a classical piano concert at the paulist center in boston friday night. i don't care about going alone. i am of the belief that if i do things i love, even if i do them alone, i will more likey enjoy the present instead of obsessing about the future. (and i may attract someone who has the same interests!!)

ok am starving right now but i have these anorexic rules about no eating after a certain hour. today for breakfast: i ate a cup of lowfat plain yogurt with a cup of kashi cereal and 1/2 cup of berries; for lunch: 2 pieces of wheat bread, a big salad with lots of veggies and a 1/2 cup of cottage cheese, real dressing with olive oil (only 2 tablespoons with extra vinegar), and an apple; for a snack: a cup of cantelope; for dinner: another big salad with 3 veggie meatless balls for dinner. and i am starving. i suppose i should have more fat in my diet, maybe some almonds. i suppose i could eat some more fruit or maybe one of those lowfat bags of popcorn that are like 130 calories. i don't know. i can't stand these food decisions, especially when i am tired.

i give you all my word though: No b/p at least for today. will worry about tomorrow during tomorrow.

depressed

2006-08-14T18:10:00.000-07:00

well guys, i am going to get through the day without a b/p. i even left my money cards at home this morning so i would not be tempted. i realize that when i b/p and don't work through and feel my feelings, that they come back to haunt me later. wouldn't i love to escape right now and eat a whole pecan pie and just get lost in the tv? it would be great because right now, i am feeling so damn sorry for myself.

that guy ed i wrote about a while back... i do not think i ever finished the story about him and how it ended (or maybe i did.) i am still feeling really sad and disappointed that he chose to date a million women on match.com rather than just be with me. i know it is ridiculous but everything he said and his actions did not add up to that decision. the pictures he showed me when he was little, the "i miss you, when can i see you again?"s, the 3am nights of talking and listening to music, taking my hand in church, disclosing some really pathetic insecurities and body image issues of his own, etc, etc, etc....i could go on and on.

i feel so played and used and now forgotten. i usually do not misjudge people like that but i keep replaying everything he said and did and the only conclusion i am able to come up with is that he felt differently than me and that he was looking for a little fun (albeit intense fun) before moving away to california in a couple months. it wasn't a real connection for him.

and what keeps infecting my wound is this stupid-ass cd issue. (sorry to be so dramatic). this guy has 2 of my very favorite cd's. i sent him an email 3 weeks ago telling him i wished him well and to please send them back. guys, it was a VERY warm and nice email and i felt good sending it. well, he never responded and no cd's sent back.

so last week i sent him another email and this time it was curt and perhaps cold if one read it that way. 2 sentences: "just a friendly reminder to send me my cd's back. i don't want to purchase new ones, however, if you have no intention of sending them back, please let me know." no goodbye or good luck. did not even sign or put my name. well, he wrote back the next day and told me he will send them by fedex last friday and hoped i was well. and ladies, this may seem irrational, but that email really got to me. it was just a confirmation that he could give a flying fuck....that he really was and is indifferent and he had forgotten and didn't even have the time to respond to my last email. see to me, indifference feels so much worse than abuse or someone acting like an asshole. if he had never emailed me back, i would feel better.

then today, he sends me an apologetic email for not sending them last week like promised and that he will send them tomorrow and again, that he hopes i am well.
indifference. no desire to be with me. i had hoped he would call me after we ended things to tell me he was wrong, that he missed me, that he DID want to be with me.

but that is not going to happen, is it?

made it through today and did not b/p. day #1.

sick thoughts

2006-08-10T19:33:00.000-07:00

I am very depressed. I am not sure if it is hormonal or what but i found myself crying last night when i went for my walk. i felt hopeless like nothing was ever going to change. all of these negative thoughts kept screaming in my head: "you will always be alone because of your mistakes, you are ugly, you are old, you are fat, you are a cow, you are out of control, you are unstable, you are a crazy person, you are DEFECTIVE, noone will want you, you are not special or good enough to find love or be loved, you will always be alone because you do not deserve anything good!!!!!!!!," etc.

pretty sick thoughts, huh?

after the thoughts, i start to think, why am i even here? and then i start to contemplate death and find myself wishing i could go to sleep and not wake up. the thing is i would never consider suicide because i am too afraid of what is on the other side and i worry to much about how my family would react. but when i am this depressed, i do wish i could take a break from life and take a long nap for a few months.

i wish i could stop this b/p cycle. i have spent soooo much money and i cannot afford it. my skin is disgusting and i am bloated and very tired. it is not worth it!! for 10 minutes of fucking pleasure? as if gorging is pleasure but it for me.

i have so enjoyed reading everyone's blogs. i had no idea such support was online. and it is great because almost all of us are about the same age. we are not teenagers but rather working woman with careers and goals, some single, some married. and yet we are still struggling with this demon. a demon i thought was just for young people (i.e., teenagers and college-aged women).

tomorrow is another day. the demon wants me to give up and give in and be hopless. but i am going to set another deadline and try again. i have to, there is too much to lose in my life.

frustrated

2006-08-07T19:12:00.000-07:00

i did it tonight, one time. i came home with every intention to be good but found an empty apartment and my stomach growling. i did not buy anything but binged on what i could find: Kashi cereal (with sugar i added to it), wheat low carb pasta (with lots of butter, salt and cheese added), and 5 sliced of whole wheat toast (again with lots of butter). oh and a Kashi granola bar and 2 pieces of fruit. yes i purged fruit!! crazy. i am sick.

when i arrived home, i felt so exhausted from work and very restless. i am always worked up after seeing clients. the adrenaline is pumping from working 11 hours and hearing intense stories. in fact today i was so restless about work tonight that i felt compelled to eat my dinner at 3pm rather than 6. and then of course by 7:30 when i finished work, i was starving. i completely set myself up. i cannot seem to tolerate any intense feeling.

anyway, i only did it once and i am going to bed now. i keep thinking of that $955 i spent and what i could have used that money for...

a step backwards

2006-08-06T19:55:00.001-07:00

ok, so i did not do well today. i meant to do well and i felt pretty strong this morning. but late afternnon, i had intense cravings. it dawned on me later that i have been b/p every day around 4:00pm after work. and this is when my cravings hit me today.

i was with my best friend who also has eating and body image issues (i.e.,binging without purging.) we walked around, got some ice cream, and went to church. well right after the ice cream, i began to obsess about the rest of the pecan pie and frozen chicken fingers that were left over from yesterday's gorging. i was planning on taking that pie to work tomorrow and was naive to think it would not be a trigger. well i was wrong. by the time mass ended and we were sitting down to thai food, i had made up my mind that i was going to give in and get my favorite noodle curry dish and sticky rice dessert and that i would come home to more eating and finish off the food from yesterday. and that is what i did.

throwing up has become more difficult. i spend 15 minutes in the bathroom and have to drink 4 glasses of water for each purging episode. it is a bitch and i am exhausted by the end of it.

all i can do is start again tomorrow. i made healthy lunches for the week, mixed greens, steamed veggies and grilled chicken marinated in a ginger sesame sauce. nice and healthy. the good thing is that my roommates are home tomorrow night and i have to work late, two reasons that will deter me from b/p if i try my best. this is so hard. and it worries me that i set a deadline and was not able to make it. will everyday be a serious deadline now that i will not be able to keep? last time it was not this difficult, maybe because i knew i would have to be accountable to my friend in ny.

oh yeah, and i forced myself to calculate how much money i have spent. since my relapse in march, i have spent $955.21 on binge food. since my slip 2 weeks ago, i have spent $274. this is insane!!! absolutely insane. i am a social worker and do not make a lot of money. i am disgusted with myself but all i can do is try harder tomorrow.

i am about to drink a cup of kava tea and hope it will knowck me out. is anyone familiar with kava kava as a sleeping aid? goodnight.

disgusting

2006-08-05T19:33:00.000-07:00

so just to degrade myself even more (because that is really what bulimia is all about, isn't it?), i am going to list my binge foods for the day. mind you, when i am bulimic, at least within this phase of it in my life, i purge about 3-4 times daily. years ago, i would purge 7-8 times daily. today it will be 5 total. it was and continues to be a bad day. do not continue to read unless you are prepared to be grossed out. i feel the need to be honest with myself and so i document today's binge food.

so what did i eat? i ate a pan of brownies, 1/2 a package of raw cookie dough (philsbury), an order of buffalo wings with blue cheese, a medium sausage pizza with extra cheese, an order of mozzarella sticks, 2 small subway subs (italian and roast beef with cheese and lots of mayo), 3/4 of a family size prego 3-cheese frozen lasagna, the rest of my cobb salad from earlier when out to dinner with my mom, a serving size of these gross honey mustard chicken fingers, also frozen, 1/2 of a pecan pie, and a pint of chicken salad, oh yeah and 4 pieces of toast with butter, sugar and cinnamon. how is that for disgusting? all of that food and money down the toilet.

as i am writing this i am trying to finish the lasagna and pecan pie. i do not want any of this around tomorrow and if it is, it will be dumped because i am TIRED of the madness and insanity of this demon.

tomorrow it is over. i cannot go on like this. i have spent over 200 dollars in the past 2 weeks. i cannot afford this and i think it is killing me slowly.

my new deadline

2006-08-02T16:35:00.000-07:00

i have a date tonight. the communication so far has not gone the way i like it. i like boundaries, rules, behavior that is predictable and certain. this guy emailed me multiple times per day last week and through the weekend and then no contact since monday until late this afternoon. the way we left it monday was that we would meet tonight.

finally he calls literally as i am walking in to my therapy session at 4:00 and i think he says he is "steven" rather than "david". i have no idea who steven is and i panic because all of the sudden i cannot remember if i somehow gave a "steven" my phone number and now he is calling. i have been emailing multiple people and yet, why is this "steven" trying to firm up plans for tonight at 7:30pm. the only plans and tentative ones at that were with a "david" with whom i spoke briefly on monday morning on my way to work following numerous wonderful emails from him. so rather than firm things up, i nervously told him i would call him back.

finally i realize i must have misheard him and that this was in fact david. i call him back an hour later and no answer. i leave a message, apologizing for my scattered affect on the phone earlier and confirmed i would like to see him tonight. no call back. i call again around 7:20, wondering what in the hell is wrong with the communication here? are we on for tonight or are we not? and if we are not, i am pissed that i just wasted time taking a shower and getting pretty. i would much rather be binging and purging anyway. now i am hoping he does not call back and already have planned what i will purchase for binge food. a few minutes later, he calls back and wants to meet at 8:15 and so here i am...writing this blog trying to pass the time because lately, i am so restless with any amount of free time. i want to crawl out of my skin sometimes.

some of you have written about how difficult and dangerous purging has been. i wish i had some of that normal and healthy fear. some fear is good because if we pay attention to it, it can keep us safe. and yet, i have no fear about bulimia, only superficial concerns like my skin will break out, i will be bloated, my family will find out and my reputation will be ruined.

purging is far too easy for me. the food somes up silently if i want it to in minutes. and the damage of the binge is gone but am i damaging my body? am i kidding myself?

my new deadline ladies is sunday. my last date with bulimia will be saturday. there i wrote it. saturday, not sunday. because i would like to have some energy going into my 12 hour work day on monday.

i want to go into my favorite month of october feeling good. it is my favorite season. i will let you all know how the date goes.

all or nothing

2006-08-01T17:27:00.000-07:00

i am back in the cycle--big-time. in the last week, i have spent more than $100 on binge food and i know because i force myself to keep track of it. yesterday, i made it through the whole day probably because i did nothing but work but today slipped back in.

part of my ambivalence about writing is that one of my best friends reads this from time to time. he is the friend i visited in nyc more than 1 week ago for my birthday and he is the major reason i made it through 5 weeks of no b/p behavior. now i feel embarrassed writing this in case he reads it. and yet, i miss writing and feel very much a sense of community here even though we have never met each other in person. even when i do not write, i read all of your blogs.

i have been ashamed of my bulimia this past week. but the shame cycles in more bulimia rather than recovery. even now, as i write this, i have a cookie in my mouth. in fact, i just gorged on half a box of lemon cookies (you know the artificial cheap kind that has like 100 cookies in this huge package?), a pint and a 1/2 of ben and jerry's, a huge bowl of granola cereal and toast with butter. the only pleasure i have after binging is that the desire for more food finally leaves my mind. i have no desire. i care about nothing. i feel nothing. and so this blog is very much half-assed.

for those of you out there who have some clean time, congrats! read my blog and remember how good your abstinence feels with your mind, body and spirit. savor it. i know i did a few weeks ago. you do not want to go back. this is a nightmare. i keep thinking i will wake up and be relieved that this was all just a horrible dream.

better today

2006-07-25T08:42:00.000-07:00

i need structure in my life. i am back at work and very busy. when i think too much, i get in big trouble. the mind is a dangerous place as they say in AA. i am trying to be focused on my goals and to not pay attention to negative thoughts.

last night when i got home from work, my roommates surprised me with champagne, gifts, cake and flowers. since i had already had frozen yogurt with a friend, i felt somewhat obsessive about the ice cream cake but i had a small piece and was committed to not make it into a b/p, especially on my birthday. i woke up today with my stomach flat as ever. they cheered me up and i went to bed feeling better.

i will not let a small slip on sunday that was born out of intense emotional pain to define my recovery. my goal is to have a few months of sober time behind me for the holidays. i hate bulimia and how it takes over my life.

will write again later.

tired of living

2006-07-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

over the weekend, when i was shopping with my friend david, i felt this wave of depression and despair overcome me. and it really has not left since.

today is my 30th birthday and i am heartsick. i can't catch my breath; my breathing is shallow and i have to consciously remember to breathe. i feel like i am suffocating. i am so unhappy. i do not know why--maybe the failure of this recent romance to be a good thing, maybe seeing my birth daughter yesterday on the potty, maybe seeing my mother fatigued and sick with lupus, perhaps the disappointment with myself over my slip yesterday.

i have been having thoughts of suicide. not that i would do that but i find myself wondering what it would be like to be hit by a car or to throw myself over the edge of the boat i was on in nyc. usually such thoughts are an indication that my depression has returned. i would never do it but the thoughts are there...wishing i could go to sleep and not wake up for a while.

i am so incredibly lonely. i have no prospects for a partner. no children. i am feeling so damn sorry for myself right now that it is making me feel pathetic on top of it. i have 3 clients tonight so i have to get my act together and be strong...put on the professional face. i wish i could stay in bed all day.

slip

2006-07-23T18:25:00.000-07:00

i slipped tonight. i can't write about it right now, i am too numb, anergic and at the same time angry with myself to even acknowledge it. i am truly sick of myself. tomorrow is my 30th birthday.

my family and friends

2006-07-20T07:15:00.000-07:00

with all this drama that is going on, i have been crying and opening up to my grandmother, sister, mother and 2 good friends. most of those people are pissed at me right now because i chose to see ed last night. they believe i am a fool and have bad judgments about men. maybe i do. i wish i could be a better judge of character.

i find that lack of self-trust is really my issue. when a person who i care about gives me his or her opinion, i am easily swayed and question myself. someone else, like my male friend, may feel differently and i am swayed by his opinion then as well. the whole time i become more and more confused as to what i originally believed and then i have lost the connection with my own inner voice. i just cannot tell at that point which is my intuition and which is another's opinion.

i really am uncomfortable when others are pissed at me. my friend caroline was harshly honest with me this morning about this guy. she feels i am being "played" and does not believe anything he says. she is really pushing that i cut all contact and says she has a very "bad feeling" and that i am making a "HUGE mistake" by continuing to see him. well, why isn't my intuition as strong?

my grandmother is pissed at me. she told me last night that because of my constant mistakes with men, i will always be alone. i felt doomed when she said that.l i started obsessing about self-fulfilling prophecy. i shuddered to think that possibly she was correct about my future.

i do not know. all i know is that i got 3 hours of sleep last night and am about to fulfill a commitment to spend the day at the beach with another guy from match.com, the guy from earlier in the week. i feel guilty about going out with him and sleeping with ed last night. this is not who i am, or at least who i was. what is going on with my life? am i that desperate to find a man and afraid of being alone? why is it all so complicated? the single life is so confusing and difficult and i will be turning 30 on monday...ughhhhh.

finally some clarity and peace

2006-07-20T06:05:00.000-07:00

so i sent ed that email, a very honest, non-blaming email. sure enough, he calls and we talk. he still is not able to tell me why he wants to see other people but says he really likes me, he was saddened by the email that i wanted to stop seeing him and he felt like we were ruining a good thing that could have a future. so still the mystery, i.e., why the need to remain on match.com. although clearly, he felt a similar connection at least based on his words and most of his actions. and i felt better being straight with him and realized i had not completely misread things. i was not such a bad judge of the situation and i was not crazy.

so we got together at my request last night so i could say goodbye to him before my trip to nyc tomorrow. we had a few drinks, we talked, and i tried my best to hold back from anything sexual. i was not strong enough. in the middle of it, he stops and looks up at me and tells me that he wants to stay with me after, that he wants to hold me. i am not sure if i wrote this on the blog but last time we had sex, immediately after he put on a jazz record to entertain me while he went to take a shower. i had felt very alone and cheap. so last night was very passionate although i thought it somewhat ridiculous that he was trying to make up for what happened last time.

after the passion which was incredible, and around 4am, i had some tears because i felt like i had betrayed myself once more and was feeling alot of guilt. and i laughed a midst the tears and told him that he did not have to hold me, that i knew what he was doing, that this was ridiculous, and that he could hold me for as long as he wanted but to me it didn't mean anything since he was unwilling to be exclusive. i then gently demanded the reason for his insistence to not be exclusive, that i truly did not understand.

that's when he told me he was moving back to his life in california in a month to 3 months. he does not want to get attached. and he feels "scared." of course, i shed some more tears because i now knew the outcome of this relationship, that there would be a definite goodbye in the near future.

the good thing is that now it makes sense and all of the sudden, i have this strong desire myself to protect myself and not get attached, probably a little late for that. now i want to see other people and i agree with his plan to do the same. i willadmit that i have fallen for this guy. i have some strong feelings for him.

is it possible to be friends? probably not but the reality is that i want to try. i enjoy his company and want to hang out with him before he leaves. i am figuring as long as we set some ground rules and remain in public places, it is possible.

am i crazy? all this drama of late is making me feel crazy.

the good news is that i resisted all strong temptations to binge and purge. on monday, when he did not call, the temptation and desire for bulimia brought me to my knees in tears. but i knew i was going to see my friend this weekend in nyc and had to remain strong. i wish something else got me through but truly this trip was the only thing in my mind that kept me from this monster. thank you frida for your support.

a date with myself

2006-07-19T14:01:00.000-07:00

today, i spent the whole day with myself. i walked to harvard square, laid out and got caught up on some psychotherapy articles, ate a healthy packed lunch, bought something at ann taylor, bought a cd i have been wanting and treate myself to an iced coffee. it was a great day. alone time is so important to recenter and put things in persepctive and i feel a thousand times better about things with this guy.

i just sent him a very honest email about how i have interpreted the last few weeks. it was not a needy email, but an honest one and at the end i wished him happiness. it was a sincere email and it felt good to not react out of anger and want to seek revenge from feeling hurt. i feel some closure no matter what his response will be. and closure always brings me peace.

asshole

2006-07-18T05:16:00.000-07:00

i am in idiot, at least that is how i feel. i can't beleive i gave myself to this asshole. i can't believe i let him charm me so well into thinking we had a special connection that was mutual. after we had our "honest" talk about seeing other people last night following sex (to which he was not willing to commit to seeing other people either way but "i will let you know", oh and "i like you but i am not crazy about you." ouch) , we had a great dinner out, chemistry was there, lots of laughing, goodbyes and his last words ("let's email each other tomorrow and i will talk to you then!). i went home feeling relieved that i was not going to have premarital sex anymore until we were inlove,( mind you, the assumption that we had a future together.) i was hoping still that this relationship would grow into something special. it felt good to slow things down so that i could be true to my morals and that he could now fulfill his "curiosity" about other women until he was ready to make a commitment to be exclusive.

then yesterday i checked to see if he was online and he was at noontime!! he never did send me an email like he said he wanted to and of course, neither did i. when i got home from my 12 hour day i checked to see if he was online because i was surprised he had not called me yet like he usually does and sure enough at 9:00pm, ONLINE on match.com. he never did call last night and i cried ALOT. i felt so rejected and hurt and foolish that i had slept with him. and i thought he would have had a little more respect for me the day after to at least call and communicate that this is what he wanted to do. after all, this guy was emailing and calling me multiple times per day. this is the same guy who wanted to see me everyday and talk to me on the phone for 3 hours at a time. a guy who couldn't let me leave his side until 3am 4 nights last week. now i know that it meant nothing special, and that he is needy and an ass.

i guess what i was hoping for in my own romance addicted thinking was that when i encouraged him to see other women and to slow down, that he would have said he felt what i did and did not want to see other people, rather than "well i like you, but i am not crazy about you yet."

this morning, i feel more centered, although my heart is still hurting. the disappointment is overwhelming, the questions of how i could be so foolish in misreading someone's character, and all of this breeds more lack of self-trust.

i know eventually he will contact me and i am not sure what to do. in a way, i want him to know that I DO NOT WANT HIM ANYMORE. i do not want a guy who does that, who has such little respect for women that he uses them because he is lonely. all of those compliments and his charm stemmed from his neediness and inability to be alone and i foolishly thought it meant something. now that i am not willing to have sex, he is online the very next day. what an ass.

what to do...what to do...the last time i was this dissapointed, i relapsed. except at least with that one i did not have sex. i am really hurting and yet, it has been over a month now since i last b/p. i do not want to return to it but it is tempting. it is tempting to say "fuck it, who gives a shit? men suck" i am starting to feel hopeless in my ability to be in a relationsip that is healthy and honest. i just do not know what to beleive anymore.

and i want my ella fitzgerald and loreena mckennitt cds back. and my brownie pan. yes, like a fool, i made him brownies one night because i knew he loved them. i do not know how to get my stuff back. my sister said to forget about them and she would replace them if it meant i would ignore his calls and emails. any ideas from you wise women?

FEAR OF BEING KNOWN

2006-07-13T11:18:00.000-07:00

things have been intense. i wonder if i am subsituting romance addiction for bulimia now. i have been seeing ed since he returned from mexico last week almost every day and we are spending ALOT of time together. in fact, 3 nights this week i went home at 3:00am and survived thw rok day on 3 hours of sleep. last night was a 3am night and i am exhausted today. so no ed tonight. i am going to be good and go home to sleep at 5:00pm, hopefully to sleep until tomorrow morning if i can.

we have had sex and it is incredible. i have not been with a man with whom i am compatible on a sexual level in years. i think i was sexually starved because i am so much more calmer these days! i feel many connections with ed on an emotional, mental, intellecutal and physical level. when we are together, the time flies by and all of the sudden 7 hours have passed.

last night, i told ed about my bulimia except i had to leave out a few details (namely the stealing, 2 arrests, and my "slip" 3 months ago). he is very inquisitive and i had no plans to tell him but it felt like the right time as i was trying to explain to him my complex relationship with my father and my anger towards my step-mother. he wasn't getting it so i ended up telling him ALL of it. (basically my father refusing to pay for treatment and dismissing bulimia as something i should get over and just grow up, many neglect issues and feeling unloved by him and his bitchy wife)

anyway, i am feeling very vulnerable but worse than that, quite guilty about not telling him about the slip. he asked me how long it had been and i told him 4 years which is true in a sense but not so true when i really think about it. i do not want to be dishonest but i am also not feeling comfortable telling him the truth of it which is that exactly 3 days before we met, i had just decided to give it up again.

he shared some really intimate details about his past as well, having to do with his own body image issues, distorted thinking and insecurities. in fact, i am beginning to think he is a 3 in the enneagram due to the image struggles he has had. i shared with him the whole story about my birth daughter and he was so supportive. but when it came to the bulimia, he wanted to know what triggered it and if it would return and was worred about making strupid comments about weight that may make me relapse. at least he is sensitive and incredible honest.

i was thinking after a few weeks when i am feeling more comfortable with him, i will tell him that i was not so honest. i also want to have more time of recovery behind me. i am not sure how he will react but i am just not ready to tell him now. this is feeling too intense and incredibly frightening to me right now. the fear of being known, of being rejected... gosh, it was so much easier being alone.

UNCERTAINTY

2006-07-05T16:04:00.000-07:00

michelle blog wrote about this a few days ago--the fear of uncertainty and that is what i think my problem is. see, if he rejects me, fine, i can move on, i just want to know. am i that uncomfortable and impatient with uncertainty that i have to know his feelings NOW? how does one accept and, even more, relish in moments of uncertainty.

i have been obsessed with my death for years--i.e., when, how, whether it will be painful, the afterlife, if there is one--as well as the deaths of my loved ones. i am terribly frightened of death, particularly feeling the loss of a loved one. i tend to wonder when i say goodbye to my mother and other family members if that was the last time i would see or talk with them. if the phone rings at a weird time, i assume the worst, that it is bad news that my brother was killed in the navy. when i was little, i was frightened that my little 5 year-old sister would be kidnapped and tortured. why would a 12 year-old be thinking this way?

not to change this morbid subject but, i am going on another date tonight. for ice cream and of course i will get fro yo.

my heart

2006-07-04T17:01:00.000-07:00

i am in such a bad way tonight. i can't say my day was bad but i feel horrible. i want to binge so much right now to make the pain go away. i just wish i could go to sleep and wake up in 6 months. my heart literally hurts. i feel like it is broken and i do not know why.

as much as i have tried to not be obsessed with ed's emails (or lack thereof,) i still have my moments and perhaps days since last week when i cleary am perseverative and highly anxious about it and my imagination runs wild... certain wording in his email to me last night, what does it all mean, does he like me, etc. lots of crazy thoughts.

so, he did email me late last night at like 1:30 am, california time, but it was 4 lines. i feel so stupid writing this because i know it is not a big deal and i am way overanalyzing but i have to be open. i want to be really honest on this blog even if i look and feel like a fool and a crazy woman.

it has been so long since i really felt drawn to someone. i have been on so many unsuccessful dates. people have told me i am too picky. and at the same time, i am panicky about my age and want so much to have children of my own. this is the ache in my heart, my desire to have a family. and at times, like now, i feel so alone and lonely in the world.

why is it one extreme or another? black or white? either i can't stand the guy and can't be bothered or i put the guy up on a pedestal where he does not deserve yet to belong. and then i feel desperately afraid of rejection, like he is better than me, like if he knew who i was, he would reject me.

why can't i be normal in relationships? i feel so borderline which btw is the worst label anyone could have in the mental health field. my best friend the other day told me i reminded him of my MOTHER! my mother, who i have diagnosed as borderline with her desperate fear of abandonment, anger issues, wild mood swings, and mild paranoi in her fixed beleif that the world is against her. god, i really do not want to be like her. i feel guilty just writing that since i love her.

the truth is that everytime i see jackie (that is my birth daughter's name and the one i have chosen for this blog), i feel horrible. i feel so much pain. i do not really think the pain is about ed after all--it is about her and my desire to have a family and somehow he fits into that image of what i want in a husband (as if i know this about him already--i know it is irrational). i saw her today so happy, again observed my aunt's wonderful family and life, and ability to give her everything i could not. i felt so envious...and then i felt guilty for my envy.

today she saw me and told me "i came from your belly!" and she gave me a big hug. i told her she was a special little girl. i played with her. i watched her jump on her queen size bed in a room fit for a princess. and i put on a face for everyone in my family that i was having a good time, that i was happy. it just takes soooo much energy to do that.

i was very good with food. i actually ate very little so that right now i am hungry. but i feel so depressed that i am obsessed with every little calorie. i have swung back to anorexic-type thinking. i came home and had some soy chips. then i made myself a ham sandwhich with only one slice of ham and lots of mustard. and i felt scared eating the whole sandwhich, so i spit the last bite out and threw the rest down the drain. and now i am still hungry.

maybe i am not doing so great with this recovery after all.

why do i have to be so obsessed with a guy? it feels so pathetic and goes against everything i stand for in my personal life, in my advice to friends and certainly in my professional life.

i am too attached to someone i do not even know. i wrote him 3 funny but pathetic, needy emails while he was away in mexico. i did not get responses because he did not have internet. on saturday, i checked his match and it said he was active within 5 days so i knew he did not have internet. i wrote him because i love to write and i wanted him to know i was thinking of him. but now i feel like such fool for telling him i missed him, that i had reread all of our 25 emails from 1 week, etc. they were goofy, funny and slightly mushy emails. what an idiot!! what was i thinking? he wrote back to me late last night a 4 line email in which he called me a nickname he made up, that it was true that he did not have internet, that he had a great time and that he missed me too and would write later. now i am obsessing about the fact that he wrote "miss you too" rather than "i" missed you. yes, people if you are reading this and shaking your head, please have compassion. i know i am crazy!!!!

i really wish i had not hooked up with him. i really wish i had gone home when i wanted to and not stayed when he asked for 14 freakin hours. i wish i had played hard to get and had not sent him any emails. then i would feel safe. now i am waiting for another goddamn email to come my way. he should be getting back tomorrow from california and i will be waiting for him to call me. waiting, waiting, waiting...my emotions dependent on some guy whom i barely know to write or call...i just can't believe it.

i told my sister all this today and she said i was foolish and that i would freak him out by sending him 3 emails. she made such a big deal about it! in reality, i sent them because it felt natural to stay in contact, even if it were one-sided and if i were away and really liked someone, i would love to get 3 emails. i guess the point is that he may not really like me and if that is true, then he REALLY does not like me now! who would?

relapse dreams

2006-07-04T05:22:00.001-07:00

last night, i woke up every 2 hours and had difficulty getting back to sleep. today i feel exhausted with little energy or motivation to do anything. i just ate a good breakfast and i am planning on working out this morning, especially since the family bbq is today and i know there will be a ton of food that may be tempting. i do not know if i am ready to indulge on certain sugary things. i am fearful that these foods will induce cravings for more and then tempt me to purge.

last night, i dreamt that i did eat too much and half way through the binge, i decided to purge and allow myself to binge therefore to the fullest. i do remember that the permission to purge in the dream was not so easy--it came with mental warfare and a struggle. but in the end, i just could not tolerate the amount and kind of food i had ingested. when i realized it was a dream, I WAS SO RELIEVED. i have had dreams like this before off and on in my recovery but i do not believe this was by accident given that today i will be seeing my birth daughter and faced with big food issues.

maybe it is good i had that dream because it is forcing me to face what is ahead of me today. i certainly do not want to slip up today and i imagine how great it will feel to go to bed tonight with a feeling of major accomplishement: that i survived my first major family gorge fest (because that IS what my family does) without participating in the gorge or doing harm to myself through purging.

also, ed is getting back tomorrow and i want to continue to feel good about myself. i do hope he calls me and wants to continue to get to know each other further beyond our 3 intense dates. but if not, i will move on rather quickly and will not push the issue. too much pride i guess.

happy 4th to y'all who are in the u.s. and be safe!

too easy?

2006-07-03T18:37:00.000-07:00

guys, this has been way to easy. i can think of only 1 time over a week ago when i had actual food cravings due to loneliness. come on!! am i missing something? i noticed today i had a slightly bigger appetite but i attribute it to pms. no withdrawal, no depression, no fear and most important, no desire to binge. i think when i stopped more than 2 weeks ago, i was really ready. i do not even miss this monster. course, if my love life turns sour, who knows how i will feel? i guess then i will be revisiting my "friend" bulimia.

it is so great to not waste money on binges literally down the toilet. maybe i should put that money aside and save up for something worthwhile. let's see i believe i spent a total of $700 on binge food these past several months. i will get the exact amount from microsoft money but that is my guess. i know because early on in the relapse, about a month and a half into it, i had already spent $260 on food.

i have been exercising again and my body feels great. i think my misake all those years of "recovery" was the diet food. i really beleive that all of that aspartame and sucrulose may have precipitated my food cravings. does anyone know more about this subject?

am i being naive? or have i really experienced a shift?

the only complaint i have is my insomnia. i have been taking a benzo for a few months and now it is not having the same effect. i knew this would happen but now i am afraid to sleep on my own. i have tried melatonin and have had variable success. i guess i need to go cold turkey and let my body naturally form a new sleep cycle. the problem is not falling asleep, although when i go to bed too late, that is a problem. my main problem is waking up around 4am and not being able to fall back to sleep. so that is only 4-5 hours of sleep. and the next day i have hige bacgs under my eyes and on my eye lids and i feel very tired. not good to be tired for 2 social work jobs.

does anyone have any advice about this?

a little more grounded....

2006-06-30T19:23:00.001-07:00

so i am feeling much better today. i began to feel better after writing that huge crazy blog but talking about it with my best friend for 2 hours after really helped. i just cannot believe how insane i am sometimes and how much energy i am willing to waste on a person i barely know.

i am just going to play it by ear and not freak out anymore. i guess my biggest fear is that some guy will sweep me off my feet through lying, manipulation and false charm. i do not really care that much if he is seeing other people or does not want to be exclusive, i just want to know the truth so that i know what i am dealing with and can move foward. i need truth. maybe i should first start by trusting myself. maybe that is why i have so much trouble trusting others.

i do know one thing. when he gets back, i am going to slow things down. even though we did not have sex, i still feel vulnerable in a female sort of a way because of the level of physical intimacy we shared. until i trust him and know that we are exclusive, i am going to go slow. i wonder if one can pull the reigns on something like that now that we have already crossed that line.

i did go to the gym today, the first time since march when i relapsed. it felt sooooooo good. i continue my recovery today and did not b/p. a bit lonely tonight, since it is friday night, and i have these notions that i should be out and about since it is friday night. but who really cares? and then again, am i really feeling lonely or just feeling what the world projects onto someone to feel? i do not really want to be out and about. the truth is i am exhausted from the work week and i had just as much fun hanging with my roommate, doing errands and going to the gym.

thank goodness such madness did not last another day. thank God.

vulnerable

2006-06-29T16:39:00.000-07:00

i have had a really hard day. before i begin, i just want to thank you for all your great feedback.

i realize that i am INSANE when i am in a romantic relationship. it happens everytime i feel vulnerable and i am sober from bulimia. in fact, at the height of my bulimia some years back, i dated some really great guys and i never felt vulnerable or crazy because i had my bulmia. in fact, i scheduled my time with them around my courtship with bulmia. if they cancelled or did not call, i did not become obsessed and borderline--rather, i was excited at the prospect of another opportunity to binge and purge. i NEVER felt lonely because i was not "alone" with food.

now, i have met a great guy, or so it seems. i admit i am on match and have been for a long time, several months in fact. i have been on SO MANY dates, usually never wanting to go for a second. i know what i want in a guy and i am not willing to settle for less. yes, i am scared that i am turning thirty and still single but i truly want to be with the right person and have a lasting, healthy marriage. i do not want to feel lonely in a marriage like my parents.

this guy (will call him Ed) and i had 3 amazing dates. i felt a connection on many levels on the first date (a wednesday) although i was not sure if i was attracted to him. i left that date thinking if he calls, great, if he doesn't, that is fine too, i wish him well. well, he called and kept calling. he wanted to move our date from sunday to friday night of that week. i said no because of other plans and we ended up talking on saturday night. which is rare for a guy on match to even admit that he has no plans on a saturday night. i pay attention to these little details, and misinterpret them to mean that he is not a player type but a nice guy. who wastes time talking to a stranger from match on a saturday night unless you are really into each other, right?

our second date was incredible. we were together from 11am to 1:30 am. my cell phone was turned off the entire time because my nutty family is paranoid about me going out on these dates and continually call to check in. well, wouldn't you know, i forgot to turn it back on. i was so lost in the moment with Ed on this second date. the time absolutely flew by. i wrote about it in my other blog. during this second date, i realized how physically attracted i was to him and how much i was starved for physical intimacy. it seemed like we really hit it off. i was giddy the entire next day even though i had hardly slept that night.

again, we were talking and emailing daily. i knew he was leaving for mexico yesterday and he insisted on wanting to see me again before he left. so after a 12 hour work day on tuesday of this week, i couldn't resist. again a date from 9pm to 1:30am. we had so much fun, innocent fun and not- so innocent fun. i let down my guard and let myself be touched EVERYWHERE. i couldn't believe how comfortable i felt with him. it was as if we had known each other for a lot longer and i had made huge strides with my poor body image. in reality, this was our third date only and we had met each other in person less than a week before. i have to mention the time frame for you all just to stress how crazy i am. i should not be feeling this vulnerable this early on!! and i hate that i am feeling this way. anyway, back to the sequence of events.

he told me he was going to miss me and that we seemed like a good match. he wanted to talk about plans for this summer, what things we what do together, places we would see, travelling, etc. we also have a lot in common with music. i do not know anyone else who owns simon and garfunkle and crosby, stills, nash, and young, two of my favorites. again, i thought a connection on many levels. he played guitar for me, i sang for him. we talked about having a band together. we laughed, and laughed. he told me he wished i were coming with him to mexico and that he was going to miss me, that a week was "too long" to not see me and that he wanted to email "if he had internet access." i even told him about my birth daughter and he did not seem to be bothered by it.

again, i was giddy the next day, the day he left, and that was yesterday.

now comes the bipolar swing. from manic and feeling high to some pretty obsessive thinking, jealousy, cravings for bulimia and depression:

so today i woke up and for some reason was curious to see online if he was checking his match. it always has the time frame from last time you were on (active within last 24 hours, 3 days, 1 week, etc). now for about 3 days this week, we stopped emailing via match and used our own email accounts. so clearly, i was not checking my match. but today i got to thinking, is he? and if he is, what does that mean? did those dates and level of intimacy mean nothing? does he do this with everyone? and why does he have condoms in his drawer next to his bed? are those there always? does he sleep around? and why was he so willing to have sex with me during a THIRD date--was it the "passion" as i thought or is he a player? what would have happened if i had not stopped him, and i mean i stopped him multiple times. and meanwhile, why DID i have to stop him mutiple times? maybe he is not a nice guy after all and not the guy i will marry.....yes, i had actually thought to myself this past week, "maybe this is the one". i am SO SICK of that thought and being disappointed.

so after trying to hold back the urge from checking, i did and did and did and did. and sure enough, he had been active within 24 hours. i tried to calculate when he left for mexico with the 24 hour time frame and it did not make sense to me. it does not make sense to me that if he had internet access and was checking his match, that he would not email ME. i had sent him a nice email yesterday and have not heard back from him.

i obsessively continued to check ALL DAY, on the hour. and everytime, "within 24 hours". i felt sick. why hadn't he emailed me? what did this mean? i couldn't conecentrate at work. i even talked to my co-workers about it. i felt very "borderline" with all the fear of abandonment bullshit. i wished i were back doing bulimia.

then, i decided to write him another nice email as if everything were normal because as everyone keeps saying, maybe i should give him the "benefit of the doubt." but after the nice email, i turned off my auto sign-in on match so no one would know i was checking and i could monitor his activity for the next week while he is gone. i know, i know, i am crazy.

even tonight, "within 24 hours". i am really hoping that tomorrow it will say "within 3 days" because i think, that means, he does not have internet access and that is why he has not written me. and what if it does say "24 hours" and he has not written me on my hotmail account. who cares? after all, it has only been 8 days since we met in person. and really, how do i know so quickly, that i want to be with him? have i really made up MY MIND? the answer is no. i do not know him. i like what i know but there has not been enough time to establish trust. so now i am wishing i did not get that intimate with him because i am hurting, i am feeling vulnerable and afraid of getting hurt. very afraid of being dissappointed AGAIN.

i prayed today. i asked God to take away these obsessions and compulsions to check the freakin match account. and yet, i know that i will check it tomorrow and the next day. and then probably the day after that, i will begin to disengage and not care about him anymore. because that is a whole lot easier than feeling what i am feeling. i will convince myself that he is not for me. and i will feel a false sense of "better".

ok, in actuality, i do feel kind of better, now that i got that all out. and that it has been almost 2 weeks since my last b/p. my skin is clear again, i have lost 5 pounds and i feel physically good.

thanks for reading all this craziness.

gratitude

2006-06-26T15:28:00.000-07:00

i m so grateful for the 8 days that i have of abstinence. my body feels cleansed. i have no cravings for the most part except when i have loneliness and then i can usually talk myself out of it. once you have clean time, it is difficult to justify a slip and i do not want to ruin a good thing.

i met someone. we met on match and we had our second date last night. it lasted from 11am to 1:30am. i had not meant to be out so long but i so enjoyed my time with him (coffee, church, pizza, walking, looking at the boston skyline from the roof of his apartment, watching a movie, watching frasier and more frasier, and finally a whole lot of passion). we did become fairly intimate. not intercourse but very passionate foreplay (sorry if i am weirding people out).

it was intense and wonderful and yet, i discovered how i still suffer from major body image issues. i would not go farther, not because i did not want him, or that i have some moral conviction that says you cannot have sex on the second date: i did not go any farther because i was ASHAMED of my body. i was terrified of him feeling the stretch marks on my belly from the pregnancy and binging and of him disovering my freckles, body hair, odor, and small breasts, everything from which that i want to hide someone and myself.

i am tired of being ashamed of my body. also, i do not want to be hurt. i want to have sex when i feel like my partner is my best friend and second half. and obviously, it is a little much to feel that on the second date unless one is a romance addict.

i REALLY like this guy. and he seems to be really into me. and as much as i insult my body, it was obvious that he was attracted to me. we have a lot in common, want similar things and have similar values. and we are physically combatible. i am so fearful of being rejected becuase of my past: my bulimia, my theft of food, my promiscuity, having a child out of wedlock and the adoption. how does one tell someone all this. and it is not like i can keep the adoption secret because she is in the family; my aunt is raising her.

i know, know, know that if he does not accept me then, he is really not the person for me. however, i can feel myself getting my hopes and expectations up. as much as i am so excited, i am terrified of this.

oh well, life goes on. i do believe there is a higher force that wants the best for me, if i am willing to be patient and heal. Lord, teach me to be patient.

5 days and counting...

2006-06-22T16:50:00.000-07:00

hey fellow friends, i will have five days at the end of today. i feel surprisingly very good! it almost scares me how good i feel because i do not want to get my hopes up if i end up slipping before my 30th birthday. i just can't seem to figure out the balance between being "gentle" with myself and not giving myself unconscious permission to slip. i remember in my therapy, she had so much compassion and pointed out so many strengths that i ended up minimizing my behavior and allowing myself to continue to b/p all in the name of being kind to myself. it is dangerous thinking for me. what do you guys think?

i attended a conference on eating disorders today at a local hospital that specializes in it and has the whole continuum of care. i was not that impressed. it was pretty basic. much more focus on anorexia than bulimia. i realize the medical complications with anorexia are often, not always, more serious and risky for patients but still.... i always felt this weird sort of competition with my fellow anorexic patients.

saw my psychiatrist today. he is continuing the celexa 40 mg and gave me a script for klonopin. i think i have built up a tolerance for ativan which i have been taking for sleep since my relapse. i have had an insomnia problem for about a year and i am convinced that is was the precursor to my depression which led to my relapse a few months ago. i was exhausted and still am. sleep is better for sure but i wake up often throughout the night and have difficulty getting back to sleep.

after visiting with the doc, i had my own client for therapy. my boss at the counseling clinic sat down with me before the client and asked me how i felt i was doing with the work. now my assumption was that he was going to tell me i was not cut out for it and was not doing a good job....blah, blah, blah, all those negative, self-defeating distorted beliefs and thoughts! but it was the opposite. he told me that in just the past 6 months since starting, i have grown incredibly as a clinician and that he would now consider me to be "seasoned!" it felt so great to hear that.

i have felt a calling to be a therapist since my teenage years when i used to watch those channel 2 specials with john bradshaw from the 1980's. whatever happened to him? when i was in residential tx for 4 months a week after graduating from social work school, one of the therapists there told me i was a "natural." i thought he was just trying to build my confidence.

i always have believed that if you have a strong passion for what you do, that certainly it counts for something. a desire must be fulfilled. sure, i do know people that are delusional about their talents and have a strong desire for it despite being really bad at it but most people have a passion for a reason. it is intuitive.

i love my work. i feel very lucky to hear my client's stories. now...if i could just follow what i tell them to do in my own life!!!

2 days!!

2006-06-19T20:09:00.000-07:00

well guys, i have gotten through two days! my days have been jam-packed that i have not had time to write. i have not had any food cravings yet which is miraculous in and of itself. i am trying to eat enough to nourish my body. still working on adding the fats.

i did have a weepy episode during the car ride home tonight from my grandmother's. it was like i was grieving over my mother's death which has not happened yet but something i fear very much. i know that sounds crazy. however, she is ill with lupus, arthritis, fibroid tumors, a hyperthyroidism and kidney disease. and also borderline. the combination of lupus and borderline scares me the most because she is not taking care of herself. she has been in emotional pain most of her life and now the illness which i swear she uses as part of her borderline behaviors but still, she IS sick. i found out my grandmother had no idea about her diagnoses. that is just like my mother to tell some people and not others. anyway, for some reason, i got real emotional at the thought of her dying young. she is only 50 y/o and so sick! i am afraid she will die within 10 years because she does not take care of herself. went to a whole conference today on borderline and still do not know how to help her. i am caught between loving my mother and wanting to "help" and "care" for her and forcing myself to not be a part of her nonresponsiblity with her life. i hate watching her suffer.

anyone out there have a borderline family member?

thanks for all your helpful comments on food. i am truly grateful.

will write more tomorrow. it is past 11:00 and i am exhausted but happy about my 2 days.

so tired of this....

2006-06-17T19:09:00.000-07:00

i do not want to jinx this but i think i am really ready to give this up. tonight i gorged myself so much so that just a few minutes ago, i actually threw out the rest of the food because i was so sick of it and i do not want it around for tomorrow. i mean, tonight i actually had to force myself to binge. i didn't even have cravings. i think i am ready. i CAN and will do this. i am so looking forward to leading a normal, open life again. the secrecy is the worst and i can't wait to give that up.

today, i had a blind date and it went really well. i had my hair highlighted and by the time i got home around 3:00pm, i was in a good place, except i felt the need to gorge myself as much as possible in light of my upcoming goodbye to this demon tomorrow. as if i could get it out of my system by allowing myself to spend, oh about $50 today on binge food, as if it were a reward for my deprivation tomorrow.

except giving up bulimia is not deprivation--it is the opposite. not only do i want to say goodbye to this horrid addiction, i want to make healthy, satisfying food choices from now on. no more diet yogurt, diet coke, diet lemonade, diet salad dressing, diet bread, etc....all that aspartame and splenda! i read an article that talked about how splenda can be contributing to people's mood swings, fatigue and food cravings. does anyone out there know more about this subject?

i have to add healthy fats to my diet. those of you who are reading this, please send me some reassurance that good fats will not lead to real fat, that i will actually lose weight if i have the right proportions of things and will not suffer from horrible food cravings any longer. see, i rationally know this but i still need some outside reinforcement. i have been told this for years but was too afraid to give it a solid try. now i know that 4 years of no purging was still a form of deprivation and would ultimately lead to a relapse.

i want to be healthy inside and out. i will say that celexa has helped a lot in the past few months. i have read some of your blogs in which people are not in favor of meds. but for me, i will say it has definitely helped my depression. it has allowed me the motivation to start and continue this blog. who knows how long i will be on it but for now, i know it will help me through this shaky period.

well guys, this is it. tomorrow is the fist day of the rest of my life. i know i am being a bit dramatic. but i do feel that way!! thanks again for those of you who are reading this.

second thoughts

2006-06-16T11:54:00.000-07:00

ok guys, i am having second thoughts about my deadline. i can't believe it is two days away and i am starting to feel anxious. of course, what will i be doing tonight but a few rounds for myself? friday night and i have said no to plans just to i can sit at home in front of the tv and b/p. i have been obsessing all day at work what i will be eating.

no, no, no... i have to give this a solid try. luckily i will be with my grandmother over night on sunday and have a full day conference monday. so that should get me two days easy.

just keep thinking about how i will feel at christmas time. in 6 months, clean, abstinent, joyful, able to cope...

thanks for all your comments. i will really be needing them come sunday!!!

will write later.

relapse--a gift?

2006-06-12T17:58:00.000-07:00

thanks heather so much for your response, comments and questions. can relapse be a gift, or "perfect", in the sense of leading us to a more genuine recovery and fuller life?

i have often thought about my relapse as maybe a blessing in disguise. when i look back on my almost 4 years of "recovery", it is clear that i was not really living life to the fullest. i still suffered from low self-esteem, bouts of severe depression, poor body image, fear of food or rather my desires of food, occasional binging, and self-deprivation following binges. still i thought i had made huge gains by not purging.

the height of my bulimia was around age 25. i was b/p 7-8 times per day and keeping down no food whatsoever. i was throwing up carrots sometimes. i had been arrested twice for stealing food the year earlier because i could not afford the binges during grad school (can you believe it--a social work grad student stealing food everyday). i was promiscuous and sleeping with assholes. i became pregnant, no big surprise and a huge shock and disappointment to my family who all thought i was in recovery....also the first family member to become pregnant out of wedlock. what a mess. and i was so scared.

luckily, my food cravings were replaced with food aversions during the pregnancy. i simply did not have such intense desires to binge. i still did b/p but much less often and mostly from loneliness while being pregnant. i was committed though to staying healthy and having a healthy baby and slowly, my b/p decreased. by the end of the pregnancy, i was practically free from purging behavior other than once per month and even then it did not feel like bulimic behavior since i would never plan to purge...it was more like morning sickness.

when the baby was born, i felt like it was my ticket to freedom from bulimia, the start of a new life...and it was. my baby was adopted by my aunt, something that was decided from the first months of pregnancy. she had already been planning to adopt due to a horrible miscarriage she suffered and an inability to have anymore children. i knew i could not give my baby everything she needed and that she deserved so much more. this may sound odd but i actually felt that having my daughter out of wedlock and giving her up for adoption were such a gift since it freed me from the compulsion to purge. i think of her as having saved my life. i can honestly say that until 6 months ago, i felt no such desire to purge. i would have dreams of throwing up and wake up in a cold sweat relieved that is was only a dream. but purging was not part of my life or an option anymore.

however, after the baby, my food intake invariably was always correlated to my love life. everytime i would enter a new relationship, i would become so excited and hopeful, i would loose my appetite and with it the 5 pounds. it almost felt manic....not that i know what full-blown mania feels like. i had no desire for food, only for this new man in my life or maybe the hope that this was the beginning of my life. how long i had waited....and how disappointed i would feel when it became clear that this man was not the one for me. how pathetic i feel just to read what i wrote but nevertheless, it is true.

i believe my biggest trigger for binging is loneliness which is why i have found food a comfort my whole life. i have always felt lonely, apart from, different from the others, etc... i am much less lonely than i was say 5 years ago but i still am obsessed with finding that "true" love, my dreams of being a mother and a wife, of making a home that maybe i always longed for myself growing up but never had. and yet, having self-insight to this and DOING something about are vastly different from each other.

i choose today to view this part of my life as a gift. many will not understand but those of you who suffered through a major relapse and came out on the other end will understand and i believe that it is not only possible but a great opportunity.

today i did binge and purge twice. i had all the food from yesterday's stockpile which i could not finish over the weekend. i could not wait to get home and consume it. i felt almost excited about it. i will be honest and say that even as i sat listening to my 5:00 client for therapy, i was distracted by my desire for food. i am so ashamed of this and yet i want to be honest about it. my bulimia has taken over my life in less than 4 months...even my devotion to my career cannot distract me from it entirely. but i know it does not have to be this way. i am looking forward to sunday, my first day of abstinence.

thanks again for all of you out there and your blogs.

a good night

2006-06-11T17:28:00.000-07:00

i only b/p 3 times today. believe me, that is good given the fact that i spent the entire day until tonight alone in the apartment.

i had a great night. i made a healthy dinner. had my grandmother's escarole bean soup. a huge bowl of it. i know it sounds weird but it was symbolic for me of her love and support. for Italians, food is very symbolic and actually recovery can be difficult when relatives are constantly trying to stuff more food down your throat. it is alot of pressure. but anyway, her soup was so wholesome and very good nourishment for a body that has been depleted of nutrients all week. after dinner, i took a long walk. it was glorious out. i breathed in the sunlight and the wind. i said some prayers asking that God help me next week when i start my recovery. just saying the prayer made me feel that actually i am already starting. just by thinking about it.

after the walk, i had received a message from my roommate wanting to pick us up some ice cream (froyo for me). my other roommate and i ended up meeting her. everyone was out and about davis square...live music...and i ate peanut butter frozen yogurt. a small size, not the medium i usually get because i did not want to be triggered.

i have to sleep tonight and i am trying to make it through the rest of the night b/p free. i usaully make the mistake of allowing myself the whole day if i already screwed up but no success is too small and i want to make it to the end of the night with my supper staying in my stomach. tomorrow is an 11 hour work day. i am tired of being tired.

The countdown begins...

2006-06-11T15:05:00.000-07:00

this weekend i have spent a lot of money on food. i am afraid to total the amount. all i know is that my deadline for giving up my bulimia will be 6/17/06. i just cannot go to nyc next month for my 30th birthday and not have more than month of sober time behind me. visualization of myself happy, hopeful and starting again at age 30 makes me excited and it is a huge motivation to say good bye to this unhealthy behavior. i hate lying to everyone and i want to look back on this as a diificult time in my life but something i got through by myself with the help of my best friend, therapist, my faith, and my dreams of being a mother. am i baing naive thinking i can do this with a deadline. maybe i am setting myself up for failure. but i have always done well with deadlines. and now when i look in the mirror, i see the bulimia. my face is broken out, my coloring is off, and my streth marks are worse than before from the last 3 months of bulimia. i do not feel beautiful anymore.

can i start again tomorrow or is this denial?

2006-06-05T18:24:00.001-07:00

so i did purge tonight. of course i did...i would not have been able to sleep with the amount of food i had consumed. i feel so clean after a purge in a physical way but dirty on a spiritual level. i would like a chance to be completely honest here on this blog. i do not want to sugar-coat things as i do with my best friend when she asks how i am doing or even my therapist whom i am afraid of disappointing. i crave self-honesty. i think it is the only chance i have. --jackie

just another bulimic

2006-06-05T17:57:00.000-07:00

Well, i never thought it would come to this. i guess i was naive to think that God saved me once and for all from this horrible nightmare of bulimia years ago through the birth of the child i gave up for adoption. for God's sake, i will be thirty-years old next month. i have a plan every day that this will be the first of many days of abstinence so that on my 30th birthday i will look back at this time as a "slip" and not a major relapse. i will be able to smile at myself once again in the mirror and not feel like a liar to my loved ones. a fake who counsels others with eating disorders and all sorts of addictions.... what a hippocrate. this was a a slip due to loneliness, still being single, no children of my own but the one i gave up for adoption , working with the dying, depression, depression, depression....

i am sorry i sound so negative. i just reread what i wrote and really do not feel that negative. to be honest, i am in the middle of the cycle now and am about to go purge.

i believe i shall get through this. but i cannot do it alone. i know that now. and looking back on my years of "recovery" i realize that i was still weird with food (i.e., overeating, restricting, poor body image), even though i was not purging. when i am feeling hopful, i choose to beleive that this time when i enter recovery, i will go even further and maybe even reach a point where i forget to eat like normal busy people and not have so much guilt for everything. i suffer from much shame and guilt. i feel like a failure that this happened and i am very dissapointed with myself.

thank you anyone who is reading this.