just another bulimic

Well, i never thought it would come to this. i guess i was naive to think that God saved me once and for all from this horrible nightmare of bulimia years ago through the birth of the child i gave up for adoption. for God's sake, i will be thirty-years old next month. i have a plan every day that this will be the first of many days of abstinence so that on my 30th birthday i will look back at this time as a "slip" and not a major relapse. i will be able to smile at myself once again in the mirror and not feel like a liar to my loved ones. a fake who counsels others with eating disorders and all sorts of addictions.... what a hippocrate. this was a a slip due to loneliness, still being single, no children of my own but the one i gave up for adoption , working with the dying, depression, depression, depression....

i am sorry i sound so negative. i just reread what i wrote and really do not feel that negative. to be honest, i am in the middle of the cycle now and am about to go purge.

i believe i shall get through this. but i cannot do it alone. i know that now. and looking back on my years of "recovery" i realize that i was still weird with food (i.e., overeating, restricting, poor body image), even though i was not purging. when i am feeling hopful, i choose to beleive that this time when i enter recovery, i will go even further and maybe even reach a point where i forget to eat like normal busy people and not have so much guilt for everything. i suffer from much shame and guilt. i feel like a failure that this happened and i am very dissapointed with myself.

thank you anyone who is reading this.