Willing to be willing but unable to stop

About my bulimia and other people/romance addictions...

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Tough night

Restlessness and anxiety the entire day and night. Difficulty concentrating at work on my clients. Obsessing about when my next bite will come from. Feeling frustrated after it is over. Feeling like waiting until tomorrow morning is too long and I will go crazy. Tried to watch TV tonightwith fiance but it was difficult. I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin and I could not relax. Sometime I wonder if I am being punished, like maybe this is the penance for my sins. Or maybe this is the consequence of my actions.

I hate this. But I am not turning back now I really wish I could have peace.

Constant obsessions

1 month tomorrow, God willing. I wish I could say the urges have gotten easier but they have not. I suppose they are easier in the sense that there is not the option to give in to them but I am forced to ride them out. I am OBSESSED with food. I can't sit still or concentrate. I am a restless soul. If I have something to drink or eat, I feel better. But who can drink for 2 hours straight and there are only so many vegetables one can consume. As it is, I have such bad gas pains and the bloat is terrible!

The truth is I have never not been restless, except maybe when I was young but even then i had high-grade anxiety and distress relating to the family dysfunction.

I still maintain there is no way I would have made it through grad school without my bulimia. When I binge, I am calm and focused. I can work through negative feelings without food but the restlessness for no apparant reason is the most difficult.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

I am back!

Not sure who at this point would be reading this but need to start writing again. I have 3 weeks and 1 day free from bulimia. I have had ups and downs, mostly downs the past 2 years. This is the first time in 2 years that I have been able to gt more than a week!

I an getting married May 29, 2010. Those of you who had read my earlier posts know how obsessed I was with finding the man of my dreams. Well I found him! Not sure he is whom I pictured my life with but I feel as though my dream have come true.

I have vowed for the past 6 months to begin a strong recovery program so that on my wedding day and days after into my marriage, I would be present. My mind would not be obsessed with food. I would be feeling joy to the fullest. I would be in the moment for once.

Not sure why being in the moment is so scary. I am so restless, ALL THE TIME. The seconds go by so slow. I have an anxiety about time.

Saturday, August 09, 2008

I am still here

Hi everyone out there. I am still here. I still read your blogs. And I am still horribly bulimic.

I remember when I first discovered blogging after my relapse in 2006 and I started my own. It was a time in my life when I was heavy into "finding the one." Lots of dating, online, offline, etc. Many disappointments, restlessness, hurts, fears I would end up alone.

Then I met him in October 2006, six months after my relapse. My love, my partner, my future husband (I hope!) I was able to be well 1 month, 2 months last year here and there. The relationship has had its challenges. But overall, he and I are a good fit and help each other be better people. And he is the first man I have ever trusted.

So now, I wonder....I have finally found him...the love of my life, blah, blah, blah....why the fuck can't I stop?

I moved in last month which is huge for me. I have never lived with anyone. Being alone has always fed the disease. I mean even when I did have roommates, they were not into my business and it did not make it difficult to be bulimic.

Around May, I started planning on giving it up. I decided June 1st was the day. I thought, well at least if I have 1 month "sober", I will not be going through psychological withdrawal from bulimia when I move in July 1. But June 1 came and went as did the rest of the month. The whole month went by and the bulimia was worse. Not sure if it was worse because of the anxieties of moving and moving in with someone or because everyday was a "last hooray" for me and I went all out with binges.

Now here I am August 9th. Still bulimic. And what a pain in the ass it has been. Completely lying and sneaking with food. Binges in the car on the way home from work because I can't do it in front of him. He tries to kiss me and I look away because of my breath. No more taking my time, watching TV with piles of food around, "set" for the night and comfortable. Ridiculous. If he ever knew.....

Right now, I am buying time before a purge. We went out to dinner tonight and I gorged myself. I wonder if he honestly believes that because I run and work out, I can eat what I want and not gain. I mean really, while I do sneak and hide a lot, I do also eat ALOT in front of him. He never asks questions.

The other day, I thought he had gone down to look at his new car, and he came back early and I was in the middle of gagging myself silly: "Honey...are you all right?" The vomiting was so loud, I did not hear the door. Pause. "I'm fine honey...just fine." I pretended to open the cabinet door, tear open a tampon, act busy in there. 3 minutes later I flushed the toilet. Never asked about it and I never brought it up.

Monday, October 29, 2007

My refuge

Bulimia is my refuge. Whenever I feel any emotion, bulimia in the moment makes "it" better. If I am excited, I am even more excited about the choices of food and the tastes that will soon swim in my mouth during an upcoming binge. With sadness, I am numb and no longer sad. If I am angry, I no longer care about anything anymore when bulimia is around. All that rage down the toilet and taken out on my body, and at least I got to enjoy myself with food.

Bulimia makes me feel strong in the moment and I could care less about anybody or myself. I no longer feel vulnerable. I am not afraid of being hurt.

Lately, bulimia has been my answer to any sort of stress and feeling of being overextended both professionally and personally.

Bulimia is the reason I got through grad school. It is the way I made it through all of the emotional abuse from my mother, the unfaithfulness of a college boyfriend, the stress of finances, the neglect of my father, pregnancy...I cannot stand it when people ask, "How did you make it through school and do so well?" My response inside my head is always, "How could I make it WITHOUT this monster?"

And that realization makes me feel like a fake, inauthentic, insincere, living a lie, a HYPOCRITE, a failure. Especially in the social work/psych world folks.... having past of pain is helpful in having insight to your client's turmoil surely but battling an addiction while at the same time counseling others? Whatever.

Over the last few years, I have been obsessed with meeting the man of my dreams, the future father of my children, the love of my life...you get the point. For almost 15 years, I have dreamed of working with people with mental health problems and have craved understanding of dysfunction in the individual, family and community at large. And my dreams are at the cusp of fulfillment...they are right within my reach....finally.

and yet.....

there is my bulimia always within reach and close by waiting for me to say yes...come in....help me forget.

Bulimia will ruin it all if I let it. And the most horrible truth about this addiction is that WE CAN STOP IT....or lose everything of value and worth that could have been beautiful.

My boyfriend has told me directly that he cannot commit or be with someone who is ruining herself. Does throwing up on a daily basis 3-4 times per day and spending $50 a day on food count?

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Ups and Downs

It has been over since 6 months since my last post. In reading the last post, what is so remarkable to me is how little movement I have made since then. I am in a similar place I was on April 6, 2007. Want to stop, want to be willing and yet the compulsion is so damn strong... it has a hold on me, like a demon.

Still with my boyfriend. Last night he told me he could not commit to someone who was destroying herself. I do not blame him. I would never be with an addict and certainly would not allow the father of my children be one. My love is looking for the mother of his future children and unless I get healthy, it will not be me.

Went to Thailand for 2 weeks last month! My first real vacation! Have travelled to Mexico and Canada but not for a real vacation. I did well with food. In fact, I did not binge or purge for 6 weeks leading up to the vacation. I wanted to feel normal on the trip and I did! Until i got sick with a GI problem and was throwing up every meal. By the time I got home, i had bronchitis as well and was very much under the weather. My work ended up keeping me on for full-time despite plans to cut my hours when I got back from vacation. I am convinced that the stress from work plus getting sick and not feeling like myself pushed me over the edge to throwing up again.

What a shame really. I felt beautiful in Thailand. Wore a bikini for the first time. Loved being with Brian. I think you can tell a lot about your relationship after spending two solid weeks together in a foreign country. Aside from getting sick, we had a fucking blast!

Now back at work and seeing more clients than ever at my second job. Trying to help them beat their demons when I do not have a handle on my own.

Have to do something. I would not be writing unless a huge part of me wanted recovery.

Woo hoo, the Red Sox just scored another run....3-1, Boston!!

Anyway, will start reading other's blogs and hope to get some responses. God bless...

Friday, April 06, 2007

Good Friday

I had my last binge tonight. I know you all think I am in denial but this is it. This is it. "This is the end...I'll never look into your eyes again...can you think of what will be...?"

I opened up a lot to my boyfriend last night about my despair and powerlessness over this monster. I decided to try something new: I am handing over my means of payment. He will hold onto my credit cards, my check book and my debit card. I cannot trust myself and I need help. I am not going to take time off from work to do some intensive outpatient program and yet, I really need some outside intervention because my mind cannot be trusted to do the right thing. If he can just hold onto my money, the temptation will be less because it simply will not be possible to purchase binge food. I realize that there is food at work but it does not constitute a binge because it is in small amounts.

I wonder if this will work. I need it to. I am desperate.

Tonight in celebration, I went to Bertucci's with my best friend who is a binge eater and infrequent laxative abuse (which I suppose also makes her bulimia but she would never call it that). I ate 6 rolls, a whole calzone, chai soy latte, chocolate mousse, and 2 almond chocolate bars from Starbucks. I am about to puke and I cannot wait for it to be over. Then I will wash the vomit off of my face, maybe take a shower, pack a bag and drive to my boyfriend's house. I cannot wait to sleep next to him where I feel safe from myself. I am my own worst enemy and I am afraid of myself.

Thursday, April 05, 2007


I feel hopeless and out of control today. I have already b/p 3 times. It is out of control and my throat is stinging from the acid in my esophagus. When I was feeling hopeful about and desire for recovery over the weekend, I requested that my boyfriend do me a favor: Please ask me every night whether I threw up. And he has asked very night. I regret it because I am so ashamed. I thought that my desire to please him would be an incentive to withstand the cravings. But in fact, the pressure to be sober has really made it difficult and in fact has worsened my cravings.

Last night, after he asked the question and I admitted that I had fucked up, he told me that his patience was not going to last forever, that there was a limit at what he could do and that he could not "see a future with someone who is destroying herself." That last part hurt so much. It has made me even more sick today. I feel like I am sabotaging a good thing and yet someone else is pulling the strings. I am a puppet, a robot, possessed with some demon. Except the worst part about it is that I know I am possessed and being controlled and that is what is so frightening. I am frightened of this bulimia. It has taken over. Even as I write this, I am eating 1.75 quart of Edy's Samoas ice cream. In the last hour, I have consumed two bagels with cream cheese from Dunkin Donuts, 2 pieces of cake, an entire chicken with mayo (minus the legs which I ate yesterday), and now this ice cream.

I am a disgusting pig.