Willing to be willing but unable to stop

About my bulimia and other people/romance addictions...

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Ups and Downs

It has been over since 6 months since my last post. In reading the last post, what is so remarkable to me is how little movement I have made since then. I am in a similar place I was on April 6, 2007. Want to stop, want to be willing and yet the compulsion is so damn strong... it has a hold on me, like a demon.

Still with my boyfriend. Last night he told me he could not commit to someone who was destroying herself. I do not blame him. I would never be with an addict and certainly would not allow the father of my children be one. My love is looking for the mother of his future children and unless I get healthy, it will not be me.

Went to Thailand for 2 weeks last month! My first real vacation! Have travelled to Mexico and Canada but not for a real vacation. I did well with food. In fact, I did not binge or purge for 6 weeks leading up to the vacation. I wanted to feel normal on the trip and I did! Until i got sick with a GI problem and was throwing up every meal. By the time I got home, i had bronchitis as well and was very much under the weather. My work ended up keeping me on for full-time despite plans to cut my hours when I got back from vacation. I am convinced that the stress from work plus getting sick and not feeling like myself pushed me over the edge to throwing up again.

What a shame really. I felt beautiful in Thailand. Wore a bikini for the first time. Loved being with Brian. I think you can tell a lot about your relationship after spending two solid weeks together in a foreign country. Aside from getting sick, we had a fucking blast!

Now back at work and seeing more clients than ever at my second job. Trying to help them beat their demons when I do not have a handle on my own.

Have to do something. I would not be writing unless a huge part of me wanted recovery.

Woo hoo, the Red Sox just scored another run....3-1, Boston!!

Anyway, will start reading other's blogs and hope to get some responses. God bless...

2 Comments:

Blogger EJ said...

Dear Jackie,

First off, thank you so much for your comment on my blog! I had no idea you were still out there reading!

I am glad to hear you are ok, though sorry you seem to be feeling stuck. Your vacation sounded fantastic. Being on a trip can do wonders for an ED, but getting back from one can also send you right back in the throws of it.

Brian sounds like a really good guy, and I sincerly wish for you that you can get better and make this work! I know how hard it is. How hard to give it up for good.

I'm thinking of you and sending lots of good thoughts your way!

much love,

~Emily

10:25 PM  
Blogger Carla said...

I'm hoping you don't mind a new friend...

Like EJ said, it does sound like you feel stuck. But that doesn't mean you have to be.

You made some wonderful accomplishments, you should celebrate them! A wonderful holiday? How about no symptoms for 6 weeks? That's fantastic!

Are you getting any help, sweetie?

11:01 AM  

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