Day 1--Ash Wednesday

"Lord, help me."
So my deadline is today to give up bulimia. It is Ash Wednesday and I have been planning this for a while. I want to go to church on Easter and know that I made it through 40 days and nights without this monster.

To be honest, I already miss it. I had a great binge last night, the food tasted so good although the purging was not pleasant. My entire body is exhausted from a year of bulimia and my skin...let's just say that the beautiful skin I used to have is gone and replaced with acne and scarring.

I feel depressed about giving it up but I have told enough people about the deadline that they will be asking about it and I do not want to let them down. I know, I know, "what about letting yourself down?" To me, bulimia never felt self-destructive, only comforting, a way I was giving in to myself and all my cravings.

I decided to start going to a support group for women over the age of 25 with binge eating disorder and/or bulimia. When I got into a car accident a few weeks back from binge eating while driving, my sister-in-law and brother confronted me and found this support group online. I have been aware that it existed but was not ready to make a commitment. And plus, it is located all the way in Newton which is way out of the way AND takes place on my only night off from work.

I am inlove with a nice guy. He is the nicest guy I have ever known and I do not want to sabotage a chance at a healthy and happy relationship with very possibly "the love of my life" all because of a fucking adolescent eating disorder. I am going to be 31 years-old for God's sake.

Would like to check in on this everyday. Help...I am frightened of the cravings to come.