didn't make it

i had a great day up until half through this first date tonight. maybe i should not date for a while. usually if i do not feel some spark, i get discouraged and then in the middle of the dinner, i will have a shift in my mind which plans on a b/p. usually as the guy is talking about himself, i will concentrate on the taste of the dinner and what i will eat after i say goodbye to him. it is such a comfort to have my food right there on a date if the date is not going well. the opposite happens when a date is going well: i lose my appetite and am in the clouds when i am with a guy i really like.

this past boyfriend did not turn out so great. i was so caught up in our relationship that i did not blog very much. mind you, i had my bulimia right beside me the whole time and never let myself feel too much for him. and i did a lot of other stupid things, like drink alot, have sex, fool around in public places and rationalize his lying. well it is over and i have remained steadfast in not seeing him anymore. almost slipped last week...at midnight out of the blue after not talking for over 1 week, i called him and we ended up having phone sex. i was going to meet him the next day "for a drink" and that is when i went into my therpist's office crying and feeling very out of control. the bigger part of me knew it would not be healthy to see this guy...but the other part of me wanted to feel desired. the feeling of being desired and attractive is very alluring to me. but it is a waste of time if it is with the wrong person. ain't getting no younger...