better today
i am still depressed today but i know it is pms.
i talked to him last night. i told him i wanted to slow down, that i understood he needed to explore whom else was out there after his recent divorce in may and 10 years of marriage and that we were moving way too fast. i even went as far as to tell him i was starting to feel "somewhat vulnerable" and i did not want to be feeling that so soon. he was very nice and understanding about it in fact. he said he felt the same way and had been thinking about it. now at least i feel like we are now on the same page and i have no expectations.
i have a date with him tomorrow. and i am going to play it very cool, flirty but not too much. and sexual intimacy!!! just want to have fun. we are going to walk around brookline, will show him my old college (boston college) and then off to dinner and an improv show.
the thing is i am VERY attracted to him. for some reason, i have always been attracted to dark men. i have dated mostly middle eastern, indian, and hispanic men. i love that black hair, dark eyes look. i am very fair myself and look irish and there is something about the contrast in skin that is a turn-on to me. my family always jokingly but also seriously asks me what the guy's ethnicity is of whom i am dating. paul is italian but he is very dark for an italian. i need to control my attraction to him.
i also emailed other guys on match and i feel a lot less vulnerable because of that.
i have a question for jennifer though: when the guy you became exclusive with was still online, did you confront him about it? and how do you admit to someone that you were checking up on him? i have way too much pride. in fact, most guys do not have any idea how jealous and insecure i am.
just for today, i feel confident that i will not be bingeing and purging. i do not want to feel tired tomorrow or have bad skin for the date. i wish i could do it just for myself but i am not there yet.
posted by Jackie @ 2:47 PM
2 Comments:
Sounds like you're in a good state of mind right now, Jackie. I'm proud of you for talking to him and telling him how you feel. Good job.
Your date sounds like it will be fun. Have a good time.
Hey Jackie!
Sounds like the date tonight will be fun, and most importantly that you have realistic expectations. With regard to your question, I did confront the guy I was dating who was still online. I had to...because it was driving me crazy! The only awkward part for me was the fact that I felt a little like a hypocrite -- since here I'm accusing him of being online, when obviously I have to be online to discover this. So I did admit have to admit to being insecure too...and I basically was just honest! Imagine that! Pure honesty -- with myself AND the guy! I told him that I cared very deeply for him and that, naturally, with that caring comes a natural insecurity. Face it, no one likes the idea of losing what they love and have strong feelings for! If he really felt the way about me that he said he did, I needed him to take the profile off. Ultimately, he did. And I think he really understood. (Plus, if he hadn't been logging on to begin with, it never would've been an issue ;-) ) It's interesting b/c later, after I started therapy for my ED, as part of my treatment, my therapist wanted me to stop holding things in and to start being honest with people when stuff was eating me up (the theory being that the more we hold these crazy obsessions in, the more it drives us to the point of a binge...and there's definitely some truth to that). The "side effect" of taking her advice came in my current relationship, as my fiance and I were getting to know each other. I found myself expressing my thoughts and concerns much more freely, which led to a degree of honesty and intimacy that didn't exist in any of my previous relationships. I only wished I'd known to do that sooner! I probably would've had a lot less stress in my life. Hope this helps to answer your question. Let me know if I can help in any other way! :-)
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