depressed

well guys, i am going to get through the day without a b/p. i even left my money cards at home this morning so i would not be tempted. i realize that when i b/p and don't work through and feel my feelings, that they come back to haunt me later. wouldn't i love to escape right now and eat a whole pecan pie and just get lost in the tv? it would be great because right now, i am feeling so damn sorry for myself.

that guy ed i wrote about a while back... i do not think i ever finished the story about him and how it ended (or maybe i did.) i am still feeling really sad and disappointed that he chose to date a million women on match.com rather than just be with me. i know it is ridiculous but everything he said and his actions did not add up to that decision. the pictures he showed me when he was little, the "i miss you, when can i see you again?"s, the 3am nights of talking and listening to music, taking my hand in church, disclosing some really pathetic insecurities and body image issues of his own, etc, etc, etc....i could go on and on.

i feel so played and used and now forgotten. i usually do not misjudge people like that but i keep replaying everything he said and did and the only conclusion i am able to come up with is that he felt differently than me and that he was looking for a little fun (albeit intense fun) before moving away to california in a couple months. it wasn't a real connection for him.

and what keeps infecting my wound is this stupid-ass cd issue. (sorry to be so dramatic). this guy has 2 of my very favorite cd's. i sent him an email 3 weeks ago telling him i wished him well and to please send them back. guys, it was a VERY warm and nice email and i felt good sending it. well, he never responded and no cd's sent back.

so last week i sent him another email and this time it was curt and perhaps cold if one read it that way. 2 sentences: "just a friendly reminder to send me my cd's back. i don't want to purchase new ones, however, if you have no intention of sending them back, please let me know." no goodbye or good luck. did not even sign or put my name. well, he wrote back the next day and told me he will send them by fedex last friday and hoped i was well. and ladies, this may seem irrational, but that email really got to me. it was just a confirmation that he could give a flying fuck....that he really was and is indifferent and he had forgotten and didn't even have the time to respond to my last email. see to me, indifference feels so much worse than abuse or someone acting like an asshole. if he had never emailed me back, i would feel better.

then today, he sends me an apologetic email for not sending them last week like promised and that he will send them tomorrow and again, that he hopes i am well.
indifference. no desire to be with me. i had hoped he would call me after we ended things to tell me he was wrong, that he missed me, that he DID want to be with me.

but that is not going to happen, is it?

made it through today and did not b/p. day #1.