disgusting
so just to degrade myself even more (because that is really what bulimia is all about, isn't it?), i am going to list my binge foods for the day. mind you, when i am bulimic, at least within this phase of it in my life, i purge about 3-4 times daily. years ago, i would purge 7-8 times daily. today it will be 5 total. it was and continues to be a bad day. do not continue to read unless you are prepared to be grossed out. i feel the need to be honest with myself and so i document today's binge food.
so what did i eat? i ate a pan of brownies, 1/2 a package of raw cookie dough (philsbury), an order of buffalo wings with blue cheese, a medium sausage pizza with extra cheese, an order of mozzarella sticks, 2 small subway subs (italian and roast beef with cheese and lots of mayo), 3/4 of a family size prego 3-cheese frozen lasagna, the rest of my cobb salad from earlier when out to dinner with my mom, a serving size of these gross honey mustard chicken fingers, also frozen, 1/2 of a pecan pie, and a pint of chicken salad, oh yeah and 4 pieces of toast with butter, sugar and cinnamon. how is that for disgusting? all of that food and money down the toilet.
as i am writing this i am trying to finish the lasagna and pecan pie. i do not want any of this around tomorrow and if it is, it will be dumped because i am TIRED of the madness and insanity of this demon.
tomorrow it is over. i cannot go on like this. i have spent over 200 dollars in the past 2 weeks. i cannot afford this and i think it is killing me slowly.
posted by Jackie @ 7:33 PM
3 Comments:
chavelina, i am so with you. we are 30 now. we have our whole lives ahead of us and we should not be imprisoned like this anymore. this morning i took a long, beautiful walk and took in all the scenery. when i am bulimic, i do not pay attention to sights and sounds in the present because the internal voices and dialogue about food and weight are too loud. let's be done with it. i will also pray for you. the HATE for bulimia needs to be stronger than the desire in the moment to b/p. the desire will come back but we have to be prepared how to say no to it.
Hey Jackie,
It's so crazy, I read about your pain and what you're going thru, but can't help and think "hey, I would like to eat a whole pan of brownies, a pizza and cookie dough." Okay, maybe not all at once, but I would like to if I could just eat whatever I wanted to.
With that said, I get scared for you. I know you know what you are doing to your body, your insides and everything. I read this great article, that if I can find I will pass your way, about a bulimic girl. It had a sad ending, as many do unfortunately.
Are you getting any kind of help for this? I've been reading your blog so I know it's been an issue, but just seems a lot worse now. Be strong!! Take it one day at a time.
I need to go respond to your comment on my blog now. :)
Hi Jackie,
Today is Sunday - and I hope a much better day for you! ...the beginning of your new life!
You're not disgusting. You're vulnerable. We all are, in some way or another. And we all have our own coping mechanisms. Some of them, unfortunately, can end up being deadly. That's why it's so important that we find new, healthy coping mechanisms that won't destroy us from the inside out, but rather strengthen us from the core!
I love that you were able to asbsorb all the beauty around you during your walk! Keep paying attention to all the beauty that surrounds you! When you see the beauty, you'll feel more alive, and, hopefully, you'll feel fulfilled from things other than food, so that you won't crave the food so much.
with lots of love,
Emily
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