finally some clarity and peace

so i sent ed that email, a very honest, non-blaming email. sure enough, he calls and we talk. he still is not able to tell me why he wants to see other people but says he really likes me, he was saddened by the email that i wanted to stop seeing him and he felt like we were ruining a good thing that could have a future. so still the mystery, i.e., why the need to remain on match.com. although clearly, he felt a similar connection at least based on his words and most of his actions. and i felt better being straight with him and realized i had not completely misread things. i was not such a bad judge of the situation and i was not crazy.

so we got together at my request last night so i could say goodbye to him before my trip to nyc tomorrow. we had a few drinks, we talked, and i tried my best to hold back from anything sexual. i was not strong enough. in the middle of it, he stops and looks up at me and tells me that he wants to stay with me after, that he wants to hold me. i am not sure if i wrote this on the blog but last time we had sex, immediately after he put on a jazz record to entertain me while he went to take a shower. i had felt very alone and cheap. so last night was very passionate although i thought it somewhat ridiculous that he was trying to make up for what happened last time.

after the passion which was incredible, and around 4am, i had some tears because i felt like i had betrayed myself once more and was feeling alot of guilt. and i laughed a midst the tears and told him that he did not have to hold me, that i knew what he was doing, that this was ridiculous, and that he could hold me for as long as he wanted but to me it didn't mean anything since he was unwilling to be exclusive. i then gently demanded the reason for his insistence to not be exclusive, that i truly did not understand.

that's when he told me he was moving back to his life in california in a month to 3 months. he does not want to get attached. and he feels "scared." of course, i shed some more tears because i now knew the outcome of this relationship, that there would be a definite goodbye in the near future.

the good thing is that now it makes sense and all of the sudden, i have this strong desire myself to protect myself and not get attached, probably a little late for that. now i want to see other people and i agree with his plan to do the same. i willadmit that i have fallen for this guy. i have some strong feelings for him.

is it possible to be friends? probably not but the reality is that i want to try. i enjoy his company and want to hang out with him before he leaves. i am figuring as long as we set some ground rules and remain in public places, it is possible.

am i crazy? all this drama of late is making me feel crazy.

the good news is that i resisted all strong temptations to binge and purge. on monday, when he did not call, the temptation and desire for bulimia brought me to my knees in tears. but i knew i was going to see my friend this weekend in nyc and had to remain strong. i wish something else got me through but truly this trip was the only thing in my mind that kept me from this monster. thank you frida for your support.