a little more grounded....

so i am feeling much better today. i began to feel better after writing that huge crazy blog but talking about it with my best friend for 2 hours after really helped. i just cannot believe how insane i am sometimes and how much energy i am willing to waste on a person i barely know.

i am just going to play it by ear and not freak out anymore. i guess my biggest fear is that some guy will sweep me off my feet through lying, manipulation and false charm. i do not really care that much if he is seeing other people or does not want to be exclusive, i just want to know the truth so that i know what i am dealing with and can move foward. i need truth. maybe i should first start by trusting myself. maybe that is why i have so much trouble trusting others.

i do know one thing. when he gets back, i am going to slow things down. even though we did not have sex, i still feel vulnerable in a female sort of a way because of the level of physical intimacy we shared. until i trust him and know that we are exclusive, i am going to go slow. i wonder if one can pull the reigns on something like that now that we have already crossed that line.

i did go to the gym today, the first time since march when i relapsed. it felt sooooooo good. i continue my recovery today and did not b/p. a bit lonely tonight, since it is friday night, and i have these notions that i should be out and about since it is friday night. but who really cares? and then again, am i really feeling lonely or just feeling what the world projects onto someone to feel? i do not really want to be out and about. the truth is i am exhausted from the work week and i had just as much fun hanging with my roommate, doing errands and going to the gym.

thank goodness such madness did not last another day. thank God.