gratitude
i m so grateful for the 8 days that i have of abstinence. my body feels cleansed. i have no cravings for the most part except when i have loneliness and then i can usually talk myself out of it. once you have clean time, it is difficult to justify a slip and i do not want to ruin a good thing.
i met someone. we met on match and we had our second date last night. it lasted from 11am to 1:30am. i had not meant to be out so long but i so enjoyed my time with him (coffee, church, pizza, walking, looking at the boston skyline from the roof of his apartment, watching a movie, watching frasier and more frasier, and finally a whole lot of passion). we did become fairly intimate. not intercourse but very passionate foreplay (sorry if i am weirding people out).
it was intense and wonderful and yet, i discovered how i still suffer from major body image issues. i would not go farther, not because i did not want him, or that i have some moral conviction that says you cannot have sex on the second date: i did not go any farther because i was ASHAMED of my body. i was terrified of him feeling the stretch marks on my belly from the pregnancy and binging and of him disovering my freckles, body hair, odor, and small breasts, everything from which that i want to hide someone and myself.
i am tired of being ashamed of my body. also, i do not want to be hurt. i want to have sex when i feel like my partner is my best friend and second half. and obviously, it is a little much to feel that on the second date unless one is a romance addict.
i REALLY like this guy. and he seems to be really into me. and as much as i insult my body, it was obvious that he was attracted to me. we have a lot in common, want similar things and have similar values. and we are physically combatible. i am so fearful of being rejected becuase of my past: my bulimia, my theft of food, my promiscuity, having a child out of wedlock and the adoption. how does one tell someone all this. and it is not like i can keep the adoption secret because she is in the family; my aunt is raising her.
i know, know, know that if he does not accept me then, he is really not the person for me. however, i can feel myself getting my hopes and expectations up. as much as i am so excited, i am terrified of this.
oh well, life goes on. i do believe there is a higher force that wants the best for me, if i am willing to be patient and heal. Lord, teach me to be patient.
posted by Jackie @ 3:28 PM
4 Comments:
Jackie, I'm very happy and excited for you! My advice for this new guys is: follow your intuition and listen to your gut. If it feels good, then flow with it, enjoy every moment of it, and trust that the universe has brought you together for a reason. If he really cares about you, I doubt he will have any problems with accepting anything from your past. Rather, I think that you opening up to him will make him love you even more. Sincerity and openness can make an already strong bond so much stronger.
I hope that he can help you see your own beauty through his eyes!
I wish you all the very best!
love,
Emily
I've noticed, with past relationships, and with my husband now, a lot of things on my body, that I was ashamed about, and wanted to keep hidden, were things that my partner especially liked. Don't hide, come out, you're beautiful!!!
PS: Most guys I've met, prefer smaller breasts!! I think the "big breast" issue was something women invented. Men like breasts, regardless of their size...a breast is a breast. Or at least, that's what I've gathered.
:)
Oh ya, and especially congrats on your no B&P'ing...that is FANTASTIC!!!
xo
Hi Jackie, I'm just catching up on your blog and have read all the posts since I last stopped by. Congratulations to you on your progress!
I was touched by your posts and reading them all at once, I noticed something and was curious. First of all, I agree that your baby was a blessing to you -- and also to your aunt. What an amazing way to create a gift of life -- for yourself and someone else.
Second, you mentioned eating corresponding with relationships. I wonder if you have spent any time deciding what relationship you want to have with yourself? Sounds weird, because most of us don't think of having a relationship with ourselves. You had mentioned b/p happening because of being lonely -- and the part about relationships. If you had a strong, loving relationship with yourself, how would that change these patterns?
What would it look like to have your ideal relationship with yourself? What would it feel like? How would it benefit you as you meet potential partners?
It strikes me that you are such a giving person -- and in so many ways, I wonder if you have given as much to yourself?
You deserve unconditional love from yourself and another person -- this means that you are loved regardless of your past, present or future. You are loved becuase of who you are -- and from what I've read between the lines, it's easy to love you for who you are!
What if you cultivated a relationship of unconditional love for yourself as you are going through the dating phase with this new guy? For example, can you feel the excitement for being with you? Can you give as much to you as you'd give to him? Can you accept as much about yourself as you'd accept the things you learn about him? It might be fun to play with that, if you like the idea.
With love,
Heather
PS I'm with Frida on her body acceptance comments -- we seem to magnify things that others either love or don't notice!
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