so tired of this....
i do not want to jinx this but i think i am really ready to give this up. tonight i gorged myself so much so that just a few minutes ago, i actually threw out the rest of the food because i was so sick of it and i do not want it around for tomorrow. i mean, tonight i actually had to force myself to binge. i didn't even have cravings. i think i am ready. i CAN and will do this. i am so looking forward to leading a normal, open life again. the secrecy is the worst and i can't wait to give that up.
today, i had a blind date and it went really well. i had my hair highlighted and by the time i got home around 3:00pm, i was in a good place, except i felt the need to gorge myself as much as possible in light of my upcoming goodbye to this demon tomorrow. as if i could get it out of my system by allowing myself to spend, oh about $50 today on binge food, as if it were a reward for my deprivation tomorrow.
except giving up bulimia is not deprivation--it is the opposite. not only do i want to say goodbye to this horrid addiction, i want to make healthy, satisfying food choices from now on. no more diet yogurt, diet coke, diet lemonade, diet salad dressing, diet bread, etc....all that aspartame and splenda! i read an article that talked about how splenda can be contributing to people's mood swings, fatigue and food cravings. does anyone out there know more about this subject?
i have to add healthy fats to my diet. those of you who are reading this, please send me some reassurance that good fats will not lead to real fat, that i will actually lose weight if i have the right proportions of things and will not suffer from horrible food cravings any longer. see, i rationally know this but i still need some outside reinforcement. i have been told this for years but was too afraid to give it a solid try. now i know that 4 years of no purging was still a form of deprivation and would ultimately lead to a relapse.
i want to be healthy inside and out. i will say that celexa has helped a lot in the past few months. i have read some of your blogs in which people are not in favor of meds. but for me, i will say it has definitely helped my depression. it has allowed me the motivation to start and continue this blog. who knows how long i will be on it but for now, i know it will help me through this shaky period.
well guys, this is it. tomorrow is the fist day of the rest of my life. i know i am being a bit dramatic. but i do feel that way!! thanks again for those of you who are reading this.
posted by Jackie @ 7:09 PM
3 Comments:
Hi Jackie,
As far as reassurance about the good fats, I have plenty of those in my diet and do not feel at all like they contribute to weight gain. The foods that make ME gain weight are starchy, bready foods, pastries - and, of course, just plain eating too much of anything.
I love raw almond butter, and I use lots of flaxseeds and black sesame seeds. I grind them up and put them in my yogurt and smoothies. I love the flavor and texture that they add, and they help me with my elimination as well. Avocado, walnuts, cold-pressed olive oil, wild salmon are just a few more sources of good fats.
I think it is great you set yourself a deadline to stop. I would like to caution you, however. It is very hard to stop from one day to the next, and, if you do end up relapsing, you may be all the more disappointed in yourself because you had promised yourself this was it - never again! I am not suggesting you should let yourself relapse, but do be gentle with yourself. Try to make only promises to yourself that you feel confident you will be able to keep, so as to not feel let down by yourself. That quickly leads to the feeling of 'argh, I can't trust myself anyways - might as well comfort myself with another binge...'
I am sending you lots of strength and good vibes! Do something nice for yourself today, and make sure to be around people for support!
By the way, let us know what comes of the blind date! ;-)
with love,
Emily
Hi Jackie, I am with Emily regarding healthy fats: unrefined coconut oil is great for your thyroid -- which, along with your adrenals is key to energy and metabolism. Olive oil, pumpkin seed oil, flax oil, ghee -- all great fats and help drive vitamins and minerals into your body. I eat a lot of them each day. Donna Gates, who wrote the Body Ecology Diet is quite slim and has at least 4 heaping tablespoons of raw, organic butter each day (among other fats) -- says it melts cellulite.
The thing to watch for is how you feel after eating it. Most people don't digest fats well. You might consider eating cultured vegetables (from health food stores -- like sauerkraut, but no vinegar -- avoid the vinegar ones). Cultured veggies add microflora, which will help with your digestion of fats.
Start out trying a little healthy fat here and there and see how you feel. If you feel heavy, bloated, gassy, etc., you might want to work a bit on fixing your digestion. Digestive enzymes help too.
I eat a lot of healthy fats each day, when previously, I ate little to no fats. Nothing changed. My body is still the same weight as it was when I was b/p and eating low/no fat. Except with fats, you get what you need so you aren't depressed.
Depression can be caused by low B vitamins, low fat diets and low thyroid and adrenals -- all what happens with ED.
It doesn't take forever to get them back in balance once you start eating healthy foods and fats -- so congratulaitons for deciding to do this -- you'll feel better soon!
Here's a link to my post on artificial sweetners: http://transcendbulimia.com/archives/78
By the way, regardless of what anyone thinks or says about anything, follow your heart and do what works for you! We are all different! A good time to try new things is if what you're currenlty doing isn't working for you -- that's what I see you doing, so congratulations!
With love,
Heather
I want to second that of emily jolie about the reality of relapse. One of the hardest things to grasp in recovery is lowering one's expectations.
". . . primarily fear that we would lose something we a;ready possessed or would fail to get something we demanded. Living upon a basis of unstaisfied demands, we were in a state of continual disturbance and frustration. Therefore, no peace was to be had unless we could find means of reducing these demands."
As for the Celexa, in the fellowship there are so many opinions. I too am on Celexa (just started). I consulted my sponsor about it and concluded this would be a good event for me to experience. If it is working for you, then continue it!
No matter what your journey offers, I hope that you stay here and conitinue to post. You are not alone, and we understand the language you speak!
Sending you Hugs!
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