The countdown begins...

this weekend i have spent a lot of money on food. i am afraid to total the amount. all i know is that my deadline for giving up my bulimia will be 6/17/06. i just cannot go to nyc next month for my 30th birthday and not have more than month of sober time behind me. visualization of myself happy, hopeful and starting again at age 30 makes me excited and it is a huge motivation to say good bye to this unhealthy behavior. i hate lying to everyone and i want to look back on this as a diificult time in my life but something i got through by myself with the help of my best friend, therapist, my faith, and my dreams of being a mother. am i baing naive thinking i can do this with a deadline. maybe i am setting myself up for failure. but i have always done well with deadlines. and now when i look in the mirror, i see the bulimia. my face is broken out, my coloring is off, and my streth marks are worse than before from the last 3 months of bulimia. i do not feel beautiful anymore.