vulnerable

i have had a really hard day. before i begin, i just want to thank you for all your great feedback.

i realize that i am INSANE when i am in a romantic relationship. it happens everytime i feel vulnerable and i am sober from bulimia. in fact, at the height of my bulimia some years back, i dated some really great guys and i never felt vulnerable or crazy because i had my bulmia. in fact, i scheduled my time with them around my courtship with bulmia. if they cancelled or did not call, i did not become obsessed and borderline--rather, i was excited at the prospect of another opportunity to binge and purge. i NEVER felt lonely because i was not "alone" with food.

now, i have met a great guy, or so it seems. i admit i am on match and have been for a long time, several months in fact. i have been on SO MANY dates, usually never wanting to go for a second. i know what i want in a guy and i am not willing to settle for less. yes, i am scared that i am turning thirty and still single but i truly want to be with the right person and have a lasting, healthy marriage. i do not want to feel lonely in a marriage like my parents.

this guy (will call him Ed) and i had 3 amazing dates. i felt a connection on many levels on the first date (a wednesday) although i was not sure if i was attracted to him. i left that date thinking if he calls, great, if he doesn't, that is fine too, i wish him well. well, he called and kept calling. he wanted to move our date from sunday to friday night of that week. i said no because of other plans and we ended up talking on saturday night. which is rare for a guy on match to even admit that he has no plans on a saturday night. i pay attention to these little details, and misinterpret them to mean that he is not a player type but a nice guy. who wastes time talking to a stranger from match on a saturday night unless you are really into each other, right?

our second date was incredible. we were together from 11am to 1:30 am. my cell phone was turned off the entire time because my nutty family is paranoid about me going out on these dates and continually call to check in. well, wouldn't you know, i forgot to turn it back on. i was so lost in the moment with Ed on this second date. the time absolutely flew by. i wrote about it in my other blog. during this second date, i realized how physically attracted i was to him and how much i was starved for physical intimacy. it seemed like we really hit it off. i was giddy the entire next day even though i had hardly slept that night.

again, we were talking and emailing daily. i knew he was leaving for mexico yesterday and he insisted on wanting to see me again before he left. so after a 12 hour work day on tuesday of this week, i couldn't resist. again a date from 9pm to 1:30am. we had so much fun, innocent fun and not- so innocent fun. i let down my guard and let myself be touched EVERYWHERE. i couldn't believe how comfortable i felt with him. it was as if we had known each other for a lot longer and i had made huge strides with my poor body image. in reality, this was our third date only and we had met each other in person less than a week before. i have to mention the time frame for you all just to stress how crazy i am. i should not be feeling this vulnerable this early on!! and i hate that i am feeling this way. anyway, back to the sequence of events.

he told me he was going to miss me and that we seemed like a good match. he wanted to talk about plans for this summer, what things we what do together, places we would see, travelling, etc. we also have a lot in common with music. i do not know anyone else who owns simon and garfunkle and crosby, stills, nash, and young, two of my favorites. again, i thought a connection on many levels. he played guitar for me, i sang for him. we talked about having a band together. we laughed, and laughed. he told me he wished i were coming with him to mexico and that he was going to miss me, that a week was "too long" to not see me and that he wanted to email "if he had internet access." i even told him about my birth daughter and he did not seem to be bothered by it.

again, i was giddy the next day, the day he left, and that was yesterday.

now comes the bipolar swing. from manic and feeling high to some pretty obsessive thinking, jealousy, cravings for bulimia and depression:

so today i woke up and for some reason was curious to see online if he was checking his match. it always has the time frame from last time you were on (active within last 24 hours, 3 days, 1 week, etc). now for about 3 days this week, we stopped emailing via match and used our own email accounts. so clearly, i was not checking my match. but today i got to thinking, is he? and if he is, what does that mean? did those dates and level of intimacy mean nothing? does he do this with everyone? and why does he have condoms in his drawer next to his bed? are those there always? does he sleep around? and why was he so willing to have sex with me during a THIRD date--was it the "passion" as i thought or is he a player? what would have happened if i had not stopped him, and i mean i stopped him multiple times. and meanwhile, why DID i have to stop him mutiple times? maybe he is not a nice guy after all and not the guy i will marry.....yes, i had actually thought to myself this past week, "maybe this is the one". i am SO SICK of that thought and being disappointed.

so after trying to hold back the urge from checking, i did and did and did and did. and sure enough, he had been active within 24 hours. i tried to calculate when he left for mexico with the 24 hour time frame and it did not make sense to me. it does not make sense to me that if he had internet access and was checking his match, that he would not email ME. i had sent him a nice email yesterday and have not heard back from him.

i obsessively continued to check ALL DAY, on the hour. and everytime, "within 24 hours". i felt sick. why hadn't he emailed me? what did this mean? i couldn't conecentrate at work. i even talked to my co-workers about it. i felt very "borderline" with all the fear of abandonment bullshit. i wished i were back doing bulimia.

then, i decided to write him another nice email as if everything were normal because as everyone keeps saying, maybe i should give him the "benefit of the doubt." but after the nice email, i turned off my auto sign-in on match so no one would know i was checking and i could monitor his activity for the next week while he is gone. i know, i know, i am crazy.

even tonight, "within 24 hours". i am really hoping that tomorrow it will say "within 3 days" because i think, that means, he does not have internet access and that is why he has not written me. and what if it does say "24 hours" and he has not written me on my hotmail account. who cares? after all, it has only been 8 days since we met in person. and really, how do i know so quickly, that i want to be with him? have i really made up MY MIND? the answer is no. i do not know him. i like what i know but there has not been enough time to establish trust. so now i am wishing i did not get that intimate with him because i am hurting, i am feeling vulnerable and afraid of getting hurt. very afraid of being dissappointed AGAIN.

i prayed today. i asked God to take away these obsessions and compulsions to check the freakin match account. and yet, i know that i will check it tomorrow and the next day. and then probably the day after that, i will begin to disengage and not care about him anymore. because that is a whole lot easier than feeling what i am feeling. i will convince myself that he is not for me. and i will feel a false sense of "better".

ok, in actuality, i do feel kind of better, now that i got that all out. and that it has been almost 2 weeks since my last b/p. my skin is clear again, i have lost 5 pounds and i feel physically good.

thanks for reading all this craziness.