relapse dreams

last night, i woke up every 2 hours and had difficulty getting back to sleep. today i feel exhausted with little energy or motivation to do anything. i just ate a good breakfast and i am planning on working out this morning, especially since the family bbq is today and i know there will be a ton of food that may be tempting. i do not know if i am ready to indulge on certain sugary things. i am fearful that these foods will induce cravings for more and then tempt me to purge.

last night, i dreamt that i did eat too much and half way through the binge, i decided to purge and allow myself to binge therefore to the fullest. i do remember that the permission to purge in the dream was not so easy--it came with mental warfare and a struggle. but in the end, i just could not tolerate the amount and kind of food i had ingested. when i realized it was a dream, I WAS SO RELIEVED. i have had dreams like this before off and on in my recovery but i do not believe this was by accident given that today i will be seeing my birth daughter and faced with big food issues.

maybe it is good i had that dream because it is forcing me to face what is ahead of me today. i certainly do not want to slip up today and i imagine how great it will feel to go to bed tonight with a feeling of major accomplishement: that i survived my first major family gorge fest (because that IS what my family does) without participating in the gorge or doing harm to myself through purging.

also, ed is getting back tomorrow and i want to continue to feel good about myself. i do hope he calls me and wants to continue to get to know each other further beyond our 3 intense dates. but if not, i will move on rather quickly and will not push the issue. too much pride i guess.

happy 4th to y'all who are in the u.s. and be safe!