my heart

i am in such a bad way tonight. i can't say my day was bad but i feel horrible. i want to binge so much right now to make the pain go away. i just wish i could go to sleep and wake up in 6 months. my heart literally hurts. i feel like it is broken and i do not know why.

as much as i have tried to not be obsessed with ed's emails (or lack thereof,) i still have my moments and perhaps days since last week when i cleary am perseverative and highly anxious about it and my imagination runs wild... certain wording in his email to me last night, what does it all mean, does he like me, etc. lots of crazy thoughts.

so, he did email me late last night at like 1:30 am, california time, but it was 4 lines. i feel so stupid writing this because i know it is not a big deal and i am way overanalyzing but i have to be open. i want to be really honest on this blog even if i look and feel like a fool and a crazy woman.

it has been so long since i really felt drawn to someone. i have been on so many unsuccessful dates. people have told me i am too picky. and at the same time, i am panicky about my age and want so much to have children of my own. this is the ache in my heart, my desire to have a family. and at times, like now, i feel so alone and lonely in the world.

why is it one extreme or another? black or white? either i can't stand the guy and can't be bothered or i put the guy up on a pedestal where he does not deserve yet to belong. and then i feel desperately afraid of rejection, like he is better than me, like if he knew who i was, he would reject me.

why can't i be normal in relationships? i feel so borderline which btw is the worst label anyone could have in the mental health field. my best friend the other day told me i reminded him of my MOTHER! my mother, who i have diagnosed as borderline with her desperate fear of abandonment, anger issues, wild mood swings, and mild paranoi in her fixed beleif that the world is against her. god, i really do not want to be like her. i feel guilty just writing that since i love her.

the truth is that everytime i see jackie (that is my birth daughter's name and the one i have chosen for this blog), i feel horrible. i feel so much pain. i do not really think the pain is about ed after all--it is about her and my desire to have a family and somehow he fits into that image of what i want in a husband (as if i know this about him already--i know it is irrational). i saw her today so happy, again observed my aunt's wonderful family and life, and ability to give her everything i could not. i felt so envious...and then i felt guilty for my envy.

today she saw me and told me "i came from your belly!" and she gave me a big hug. i told her she was a special little girl. i played with her. i watched her jump on her queen size bed in a room fit for a princess. and i put on a face for everyone in my family that i was having a good time, that i was happy. it just takes soooo much energy to do that.

i was very good with food. i actually ate very little so that right now i am hungry. but i feel so depressed that i am obsessed with every little calorie. i have swung back to anorexic-type thinking. i came home and had some soy chips. then i made myself a ham sandwhich with only one slice of ham and lots of mustard. and i felt scared eating the whole sandwhich, so i spit the last bite out and threw the rest down the drain. and now i am still hungry.

maybe i am not doing so great with this recovery after all.

why do i have to be so obsessed with a guy? it feels so pathetic and goes against everything i stand for in my personal life, in my advice to friends and certainly in my professional life.

i am too attached to someone i do not even know. i wrote him 3 funny but pathetic, needy emails while he was away in mexico. i did not get responses because he did not have internet. on saturday, i checked his match and it said he was active within 5 days so i knew he did not have internet. i wrote him because i love to write and i wanted him to know i was thinking of him. but now i feel like such fool for telling him i missed him, that i had reread all of our 25 emails from 1 week, etc. they were goofy, funny and slightly mushy emails. what an idiot!! what was i thinking? he wrote back to me late last night a 4 line email in which he called me a nickname he made up, that it was true that he did not have internet, that he had a great time and that he missed me too and would write later. now i am obsessing about the fact that he wrote "miss you too" rather than "i" missed you. yes, people if you are reading this and shaking your head, please have compassion. i know i am crazy!!!!

i really wish i had not hooked up with him. i really wish i had gone home when i wanted to and not stayed when he asked for 14 freakin hours. i wish i had played hard to get and had not sent him any emails. then i would feel safe. now i am waiting for another goddamn email to come my way. he should be getting back tomorrow from california and i will be waiting for him to call me. waiting, waiting, waiting...my emotions dependent on some guy whom i barely know to write or call...i just can't believe it.

i told my sister all this today and she said i was foolish and that i would freak him out by sending him 3 emails. she made such a big deal about it! in reality, i sent them because it felt natural to stay in contact, even if it were one-sided and if i were away and really liked someone, i would love to get 3 emails. i guess the point is that he may not really like me and if that is true, then he REALLY does not like me now! who would?