FEAR OF BEING KNOWN

things have been intense. i wonder if i am subsituting romance addiction for bulimia now. i have been seeing ed since he returned from mexico last week almost every day and we are spending ALOT of time together. in fact, 3 nights this week i went home at 3:00am and survived thw rok day on 3 hours of sleep. last night was a 3am night and i am exhausted today. so no ed tonight. i am going to be good and go home to sleep at 5:00pm, hopefully to sleep until tomorrow morning if i can.

we have had sex and it is incredible. i have not been with a man with whom i am compatible on a sexual level in years. i think i was sexually starved because i am so much more calmer these days! i feel many connections with ed on an emotional, mental, intellecutal and physical level. when we are together, the time flies by and all of the sudden 7 hours have passed.

last night, i told ed about my bulimia except i had to leave out a few details (namely the stealing, 2 arrests, and my "slip" 3 months ago). he is very inquisitive and i had no plans to tell him but it felt like the right time as i was trying to explain to him my complex relationship with my father and my anger towards my step-mother. he wasn't getting it so i ended up telling him ALL of it. (basically my father refusing to pay for treatment and dismissing bulimia as something i should get over and just grow up, many neglect issues and feeling unloved by him and his bitchy wife)

anyway, i am feeling very vulnerable but worse than that, quite guilty about not telling him about the slip. he asked me how long it had been and i told him 4 years which is true in a sense but not so true when i really think about it. i do not want to be dishonest but i am also not feeling comfortable telling him the truth of it which is that exactly 3 days before we met, i had just decided to give it up again.

he shared some really intimate details about his past as well, having to do with his own body image issues, distorted thinking and insecurities. in fact, i am beginning to think he is a 3 in the enneagram due to the image struggles he has had. i shared with him the whole story about my birth daughter and he was so supportive. but when it came to the bulimia, he wanted to know what triggered it and if it would return and was worred about making strupid comments about weight that may make me relapse. at least he is sensitive and incredible honest.

i was thinking after a few weeks when i am feeling more comfortable with him, i will tell him that i was not so honest. i also want to have more time of recovery behind me. i am not sure how he will react but i am just not ready to tell him now. this is feeling too intense and incredibly frightening to me right now. the fear of being known, of being rejected... gosh, it was so much easier being alone.