UNCERTAINTY

michelle blog wrote about this a few days ago--the fear of uncertainty and that is what i think my problem is. see, if he rejects me, fine, i can move on, i just want to know. am i that uncomfortable and impatient with uncertainty that i have to know his feelings NOW? how does one accept and, even more, relish in moments of uncertainty.

i have been obsessed with my death for years--i.e., when, how, whether it will be painful, the afterlife, if there is one--as well as the deaths of my loved ones. i am terribly frightened of death, particularly feeling the loss of a loved one. i tend to wonder when i say goodbye to my mother and other family members if that was the last time i would see or talk with them. if the phone rings at a weird time, i assume the worst, that it is bad news that my brother was killed in the navy. when i was little, i was frightened that my little 5 year-old sister would be kidnapped and tortured. why would a 12 year-old be thinking this way?

not to change this morbid subject but, i am going on another date tonight. for ice cream and of course i will get fro yo.