tired of living

over the weekend, when i was shopping with my friend david, i felt this wave of depression and despair overcome me. and it really has not left since.

today is my 30th birthday and i am heartsick. i can't catch my breath; my breathing is shallow and i have to consciously remember to breathe. i feel like i am suffocating. i am so unhappy. i do not know why--maybe the failure of this recent romance to be a good thing, maybe seeing my birth daughter yesterday on the potty, maybe seeing my mother fatigued and sick with lupus, perhaps the disappointment with myself over my slip yesterday.

i have been having thoughts of suicide. not that i would do that but i find myself wondering what it would be like to be hit by a car or to throw myself over the edge of the boat i was on in nyc. usually such thoughts are an indication that my depression has returned. i would never do it but the thoughts are there...wishing i could go to sleep and not wake up for a while.

i am so incredibly lonely. i have no prospects for a partner. no children. i am feeling so damn sorry for myself right now that it is making me feel pathetic on top of it. i have 3 clients tonight so i have to get my act together and be strong...put on the professional face. i wish i could stay in bed all day.