my family and friends
with all this drama that is going on, i have been crying and opening up to my grandmother, sister, mother and 2 good friends. most of those people are pissed at me right now because i chose to see ed last night. they believe i am a fool and have bad judgments about men. maybe i do. i wish i could be a better judge of character.
i find that lack of self-trust is really my issue. when a person who i care about gives me his or her opinion, i am easily swayed and question myself. someone else, like my male friend, may feel differently and i am swayed by his opinion then as well. the whole time i become more and more confused as to what i originally believed and then i have lost the connection with my own inner voice. i just cannot tell at that point which is my intuition and which is another's opinion.
i really am uncomfortable when others are pissed at me. my friend caroline was harshly honest with me this morning about this guy. she feels i am being "played" and does not believe anything he says. she is really pushing that i cut all contact and says she has a very "bad feeling" and that i am making a "HUGE mistake" by continuing to see him. well, why isn't my intuition as strong?
my grandmother is pissed at me. she told me last night that because of my constant mistakes with men, i will always be alone. i felt doomed when she said that.l i started obsessing about self-fulfilling prophecy. i shuddered to think that possibly she was correct about my future.
i do not know. all i know is that i got 3 hours of sleep last night and am about to fulfill a commitment to spend the day at the beach with another guy from match.com, the guy from earlier in the week. i feel guilty about going out with him and sleeping with ed last night. this is not who i am, or at least who i was. what is going on with my life? am i that desperate to find a man and afraid of being alone? why is it all so complicated? the single life is so confusing and difficult and i will be turning 30 on monday...ughhhhh.
posted by Jackie @ 7:15 AM
1 Comments:
It may be more confusing now because you are at a stage in life where you want and need to settle down, maybe get married, maybe have kids...and it's frustrating to feel like time is running out. But it definitely isn't, you have lots of time, and the right guy will come along. You just have to keep looking, and you're on the right track. Keep dating, and keep some distance, so you don't feel guilty about indulging in sex. Keep up the search, and the right guy will come!! I met my husband when I was 28, and same thing, at that stage I thought "oh my god, I'm almost 30, my life has been filled with bad men, and bad mistakes, I'll never find someone...." And I did find Mr Right, so don't take what your grandma said too seriously. But, important, that you keep up the search!!!!!!
Take care,
Frida
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