my new deadline
i have a date tonight. the communication so far has not gone the way i like it. i like boundaries, rules, behavior that is predictable and certain. this guy emailed me multiple times per day last week and through the weekend and then no contact since monday until late this afternoon. the way we left it monday was that we would meet tonight.
finally he calls literally as i am walking in to my therapy session at 4:00 and i think he says he is "steven" rather than "david". i have no idea who steven is and i panic because all of the sudden i cannot remember if i somehow gave a "steven" my phone number and now he is calling. i have been emailing multiple people and yet, why is this "steven" trying to firm up plans for tonight at 7:30pm. the only plans and tentative ones at that were with a "david" with whom i spoke briefly on monday morning on my way to work following numerous wonderful emails from him. so rather than firm things up, i nervously told him i would call him back.
finally i realize i must have misheard him and that this was in fact david. i call him back an hour later and no answer. i leave a message, apologizing for my scattered affect on the phone earlier and confirmed i would like to see him tonight. no call back. i call again around 7:20, wondering what in the hell is wrong with the communication here? are we on for tonight or are we not? and if we are not, i am pissed that i just wasted time taking a shower and getting pretty. i would much rather be binging and purging anyway. now i am hoping he does not call back and already have planned what i will purchase for binge food. a few minutes later, he calls back and wants to meet at 8:15 and so here i am...writing this blog trying to pass the time because lately, i am so restless with any amount of free time. i want to crawl out of my skin sometimes.
some of you have written about how difficult and dangerous purging has been. i wish i had some of that normal and healthy fear. some fear is good because if we pay attention to it, it can keep us safe. and yet, i have no fear about bulimia, only superficial concerns like my skin will break out, i will be bloated, my family will find out and my reputation will be ruined.
purging is far too easy for me. the food somes up silently if i want it to in minutes. and the damage of the binge is gone but am i damaging my body? am i kidding myself?
my new deadline ladies is sunday. my last date with bulimia will be saturday. there i wrote it. saturday, not sunday. because i would like to have some energy going into my 12 hour work day on monday.
i want to go into my favorite month of october feeling good. it is my favorite season. i will let you all know how the date goes.
posted by Jackie @ 4:35 PM
3 Comments:
A deadline is good. Have a great eating day on Saturday...I know that's not the best advice, but shit, if you're going to give Saturday as the last B&P day, make it a good one.
I as well, have NO problems purging, silent and fast, which makes it so easy to do.
As for fears of death, yes, we all express having them, but are any of us cured? The thoughts of death do help in maybe curbing it, but as for curing it, unfortunately not. Even if I'm not engaging in Bulimic behaviours, it still occupies my mind. I've been pretty good for a while now, mentally and physically, but I'm not kidding myself...it never goes away 100%.
Lots of love,
Frida
Your fears are felt by many others. It seems like some consequences of bulimia out weight others -- the fear of weight gain or seeing the tummy extended even when no food is within -- seems to be one of my fears versus the tooth decay, swollen glands, ddizzyness, and so on. I pray for that depseration and willingness that may allow freedom from this and those beautiful people, such as yourself that suffer.
Thank you always for posting.
I started my blog recently for laregely the same reason---to vent and hopefully recover. Being a 20 year old female, I have been bulimic for 7 years. Its to the point that I have accepted it as part of myself...which is sad. Although I have made progress on loving the women I am through therapy, I still fall into bulimic funks often. I found it humourous how you mentioned you already had your grocery list of foods to b/p on and was hoping that your date wouldn;t call because I OFTEN do the same things...pray that people wont call to hang out.
Hang in there!
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