all or nothing
i am back in the cycle--big-time. in the last week, i have spent more than $100 on binge food and i know because i force myself to keep track of it. yesterday, i made it through the whole day probably because i did nothing but work but today slipped back in.
part of my ambivalence about writing is that one of my best friends reads this from time to time. he is the friend i visited in nyc more than 1 week ago for my birthday and he is the major reason i made it through 5 weeks of no b/p behavior. now i feel embarrassed writing this in case he reads it. and yet, i miss writing and feel very much a sense of community here even though we have never met each other in person. even when i do not write, i read all of your blogs.
i have been ashamed of my bulimia this past week. but the shame cycles in more bulimia rather than recovery. even now, as i write this, i have a cookie in my mouth. in fact, i just gorged on half a box of lemon cookies (you know the artificial cheap kind that has like 100 cookies in this huge package?), a pint and a 1/2 of ben and jerry's, a huge bowl of granola cereal and toast with butter. the only pleasure i have after binging is that the desire for more food finally leaves my mind. i have no desire. i care about nothing. i feel nothing. and so this blog is very much half-assed.
for those of you out there who have some clean time, congrats! read my blog and remember how good your abstinence feels with your mind, body and spirit. savor it. i know i did a few weeks ago. you do not want to go back. this is a nightmare. i keep thinking i will wake up and be relieved that this was all just a horrible dream.
posted by Jackie @ 5:27 PM
4 Comments:
Oh, sweetie, I wish I could lift all that pain from you! I'm glad you wrote. It's good to be honest.
I know the disappointment you are feeling, but don't let it deter you from moving towards recovery again! Slipping doesn't mean you'll never be able to recover. I loved the story Michelle told on her blog (http://myhealingconfessions.blogspot.com/), how if you were to take a wrong turn on a roadtrip, you wouldn't turn around and go back. You'd stop, bitch for a little bit, but then look at your map and get back on track. Such a great reminder! Making a mistake is never a reason to give up!
I know very well the feeling you describe, that, after you binge, you at least don't obsess about food anymore.
I slipped last Friday. I didn't even post about it. But I got really scared, and I'm really hoping this scare will deter me from future relapses! That night, when I lay in bed, I felt my pulse, and it kept skipping beats at irregular intervals. It really tripped me out, and I started thinking 'What if I have a heart attack? If I just die in my sleep and never wake up again?' I cannot do that to the people who love me!!!
You're in my thoughts, Jackie! Keep your head up, and remember what a beautiful person you are!
lots of love,
Em
I know exactly how you're feeling. It's so embarrassing, and shameful, and fucking frustrating as hell. It will pass, and you'll get back on track, but when you're where you're at, where you can't see the light of the tunnel, you feel like your gasping for air. I'm so sorry you're going through this, I really am. I hope we can help until you get out of it again.
Take care of yourself!!!
Love,
Frida
xoxo
both of your comments are so hopeful and kind. i really appreciate them. i want to set another deadline and this time make it through 8 weeks. my plan is to be abstinent for my favorite month here in new england, the fall. i want to look foward to the holidays without a constant obsession, plotting, planning and lying to others. just to know you all understand is very helpful. thanks.
Thank you for your complete honesty and willingness to be trusting with those who read your blog.
I understand every word you write. I was talking to a woman this morning that may be my new sponsor. She is a triple winner - AA, OA and Al-Anon, she works all programs. She had to get 3 years of solid sobriety and growing closer to her Higher Power before she could get abstinant. She struggled, in and out of the rooms of OA but kept exposing herself. Today, she is a spiritual leader helping women discover their beauty and place.
The bottom line is that we keep fighting, Together! This is not yours to fight alone. Your experiences today will aid in helping someone else who suffers -- allowing them to abandon that shame and guilt from this obsessiveness.
You are in my prayers, thank you for your courage and strength to get honest!
Big Hugs!
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