sick thoughts
I am very depressed. I am not sure if it is hormonal or what but i found myself crying last night when i went for my walk. i felt hopeless like nothing was ever going to change. all of these negative thoughts kept screaming in my head: "you will always be alone because of your mistakes, you are ugly, you are old, you are fat, you are a cow, you are out of control, you are unstable, you are a crazy person, you are DEFECTIVE, noone will want you, you are not special or good enough to find love or be loved, you will always be alone because you do not deserve anything good!!!!!!!!," etc.
pretty sick thoughts, huh?
after the thoughts, i start to think, why am i even here? and then i start to contemplate death and find myself wishing i could go to sleep and not wake up. the thing is i would never consider suicide because i am too afraid of what is on the other side and i worry to much about how my family would react. but when i am this depressed, i do wish i could take a break from life and take a long nap for a few months.
i wish i could stop this b/p cycle. i have spent soooo much money and i cannot afford it. my skin is disgusting and i am bloated and very tired. it is not worth it!! for 10 minutes of fucking pleasure? as if gorging is pleasure but it for me.
i have so enjoyed reading everyone's blogs. i had no idea such support was online. and it is great because almost all of us are about the same age. we are not teenagers but rather working woman with careers and goals, some single, some married. and yet we are still struggling with this demon. a demon i thought was just for young people (i.e., teenagers and college-aged women).
tomorrow is another day. the demon wants me to give up and give in and be hopless. but i am going to set another deadline and try again. i have to, there is too much to lose in my life.
posted by Jackie @ 7:33 PM
3 Comments:
That's what you have to keep doing, set the deadline and start over, no matter how many times it takes.
Those thoughts were sick, mostly because they are totally untrue.
Hang in there babe! Even though I'm doing well, I still slip every now and then. It's hard...so damn hard.
xoxo
Frida
Hi Jackie,
I know the feeling! I've been there myself! I remember reading other's blogs who were in recovery and in much better spirits, telling their readers "If I could get to where I am now, you can, too!" It didn't really help me. 'Great for them,' I thought. 'But I'm still stuck.'
But, you know, as I read your entry today, the fact that I am feeling so much better about life right now really gives me so much hope that you will, too, because we ALL have it in us to find more joy in life! I am not saying, by any means, that I've mastered my life and that things are perfect. They are not, and I have so many challenges in my life still. But, lately, I've felt a renewed sense of passion, and to feel this gives me hope that ALL of us can feel that!
I know so well the feeling you describe of wanting to go to sleep and not wake up for a long time. I often felt I wanted to curl up and hide in a little cave and just let the world go by me. I have caught myself noticing the absence of this feeling lately, and I am SO grateful that I am finally feeling more alive again!
I guess all I'm trying to say is, hang in there, because life is a rollercoaster ride, and it will always have ups and downs, but when you reach the peaks and see the breathtaking views, it is so worth it! I see you climbing many more mountains in your lifetime and enjoying the breathtaking views! The valleys look so different from high up there! What seems so big and overwhelming when we were down there suddenly seems small and insignificant from a distance. From up there, it seems we have the world at our feet! We can spread our wings and fly!
Keep climbing upwards! It is so worth it!!!
with lots of love,
Emily
hey Jackie!
You're just in a little rut. You can and will get out of it. Start thinking of some positive things. Things that you want in your life, what you want your life to be like. Write them down and look at them everyday. You'll get what you want. You want to be healthy and happy!! You will be. It just takes some work sometimes.
xo
ptc
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