a step backwards

ok, so i did not do well today. i meant to do well and i felt pretty strong this morning. but late afternnon, i had intense cravings. it dawned on me later that i have been b/p every day around 4:00pm after work. and this is when my cravings hit me today.

i was with my best friend who also has eating and body image issues (i.e.,binging without purging.) we walked around, got some ice cream, and went to church. well right after the ice cream, i began to obsess about the rest of the pecan pie and frozen chicken fingers that were left over from yesterday's gorging. i was planning on taking that pie to work tomorrow and was naive to think it would not be a trigger. well i was wrong. by the time mass ended and we were sitting down to thai food, i had made up my mind that i was going to give in and get my favorite noodle curry dish and sticky rice dessert and that i would come home to more eating and finish off the food from yesterday. and that is what i did.

throwing up has become more difficult. i spend 15 minutes in the bathroom and have to drink 4 glasses of water for each purging episode. it is a bitch and i am exhausted by the end of it.

all i can do is start again tomorrow. i made healthy lunches for the week, mixed greens, steamed veggies and grilled chicken marinated in a ginger sesame sauce. nice and healthy. the good thing is that my roommates are home tomorrow night and i have to work late, two reasons that will deter me from b/p if i try my best. this is so hard. and it worries me that i set a deadline and was not able to make it. will everyday be a serious deadline now that i will not be able to keep? last time it was not this difficult, maybe because i knew i would have to be accountable to my friend in ny.

oh yeah, and i forced myself to calculate how much money i have spent. since my relapse in march, i have spent $955.21 on binge food. since my slip 2 weeks ago, i have spent $274. this is insane!!! absolutely insane. i am a social worker and do not make a lot of money. i am disgusted with myself but all i can do is try harder tomorrow.

i am about to drink a cup of kava tea and hope it will knowck me out. is anyone familiar with kava kava as a sleeping aid? goodnight.