disgusted

well, as i stood over the toilet tonight vomiting up caramel cookies, lemon coconut cake and ice cream, i felt disgusted by it. i know that is an obvious normal reaction to those of you out there who are not bulimic, but for me, it is a feeling i have not felt too often because i have become so desensitized to it. but tonight just a few minutes ago, i felt truly disgusted. and i got no pleasure from it. in fact, i have half a cake left in the kitchen that i have no desire to consume.

it has been too long since i have blogged and i have missed it. even though i check everyone else's for entries, there is something very therapeutic about this online journal for me. i love that it is anonymous and i can be completely honest and yet am able to receive everyone's feedback and support.

i met someone new. his name is paul. the first date was almost two weeks ago, really the last time i blogged. i remember doing a quick b/p before i met him for ice cream and i almost ended up cancelling because i was so exhausted from the purge. i was also convinced it would be another disappointing date, maybe because his profile said he was divorced, maybe based on how the first conversation on the phone went.

all i know is that it was one of the best first dates i have ever had. and i have seen him 4 other times since and all the dates have gone great. in fact...too great. i am just expecting things to end in a matter of time. i am so negative when it comes to men and romance. things are going along great...why can't i just enjoy it and take it one step at a time? why do i feel so vulnerable so quickly?

i need to slow things down in my mind and not be thinking crazy thoughts such as the holidays and how i want him to come with me to see my brother at thanksgiving. i do not know this person and i need to calm the fuck down. i think that is why i have been unwilling to let my bulimia go. it has been comforting these last couple weeks to get lost in a b/p and forget this feeling of vulnerability.

there will always be a reason to b/p: loneliness, anger, frustration, stress and most of all fear. i will never be completely free of these feelings. but i have got to learn to overcome this demon.

the good news is that i have certainly not engaged in this behavior everyday. i have gone 3 days in a row, usually 2. and then i will break down and do it once. like tonight, i got home from work around 7:30, was tired, got paged twice and had to intervene by the phone and decided to do it once. it was not even worth it. but at least i am not spending $20 a day for 3-4 episodes.

i need to try harder. i can't give up. i need a good solid few weeks of clean time. tomorrow is another day i guess.