i am nutty
so i had a mini nervous breakdown today. i know it has to do with pms. i get paranoid and hysterical the week before my period, given the right triggers. and what could be more of a trigger than this new "love" in my life or rather my dance with false intimacy?
i am obsessed. in fact, i am just as unhealthy with men as i am with food. things have been going great with this guy. and then last night he did not call because he was out at a pub until 1:30am. he emailed me at that hour saying he would call today. but who stays out at a pub until 1:30am on a work night? and then today he never emailed me back and i noticed he was online on match.com for 3 hours. he just called me around 8:15 but i did not pick up. his message was not as cheerful as it is usually. granted i know that today was his first day back to school as a teacher. but why was he on match.com for so long?
ok guys, here comes the crazy part of this! i have known him LESS THAN 2 WEEKS!!!!!!
yes, have only been out with him 5 times. they were intense dates, long dates, romantic ones but i have known him less than 2 weeks.
i just do not deal well with any sort of change. he has been emailing me 3-4 times per day, calling everyday, telling me how much he likes me, that he has told his friends about me, getting a better deal with T-Mobile so he can talk to me more during the day, made me a gourmet dinner, having me meet his friends this weekend, etc. so why the change? why no email today? why no phone call last night? what happened? and it is not in my imagination. i have had my sister and friends read the emails, and they have picked up on a change as well. "what changed?" they ask.
maybe he has taken a step back and that is a good thing. maybe this was moving too fast anyway. but i feel hurt and i cannot help it. i cried a lot today. i found myself wishing i could take a break from this life, go to sleep and not wake up. i considered taking extra ativans so i could pass out early. and when i am in that much pain, the bulimia BARELY TAKES THE EDGE OFF!!!!!! i do not even have that to count on anymore.
the worst part of it is that all this time over the last 2 weeks, i knew it would end. good times with people always end. i can never count on anyone. only myself. and i cannot even trust myself to take care of myself. i am 30 years-old with no prospects of marriage, children, etc. why does it matter so much for me? am i wanting to make up for my horrible childhood?
so these are some of my crazy thoughts. it helps to write them down. i guess i will call him back now.
posted by Jackie @ 5:51 PM
4 Comments:
Jackie, firstly, thank you so much for the nice comment on my blog. That really meant a lot. Secondly, I want you to know that I'm thinking of you, and I want to offer up some of my own experiences to you because, while I am a "success story" now in the romantic department, it definitely wasn't always that way. In fact, your words could have been my own up until about two years ago when I met my fiancé. So, here's the thing. I did the online dating too...and, yes, that's even how I met my fiancé! But even though online dating makes some things easier, it also makes some harder, as you've discovered. Being able to see when a person is logging into their account, etc. is not always a healthy thing! Particularly if you are obsessive compulsive like I am and are always checking to see if the guy of the hour is also online, when they last logged in, etc. And, trust me. I did it...all of the time. Finally, in one of my relationships, after we had decided to date exclusively and I saw that he was still online all of the time I confronted him about it. And you know what I found out? Guys just aren't as deep as we are. They don't EVER look to see if we've logged in and, this is the kicker...they don’t worry about who else we might be talking to! In fact, they don't much think about anything. They're kinda selfish like that. Even with my fiancé, when he and I decided to date exclusively, I pretty much told him that was fine...I was ready for the commitment, but as part of the deal he had to take his profile down off of the dating site we met on. He couldn’t quite understand why I was so caught up in this (though I’m sure you do!) but because he really was ready for the commitment, he took it down, and neither of us ever put ours up again. The process of becoming less obsessive about the guys were interested in is very difficult. Fortunately, I’d pretty much perfected it by the time I met my fiancé and everything fell into place perfectly. But this is the thing. I think guys have a little radar and they can tell when we’re obsessive…except, to them it comes across as knowing they’ve got us in the palms of their hands and, pretty much, they’re calling the shots. As counterintuitive as it will be for you to do this with the new guy you met (or any other guy you meet) my advice to you is to start playing it cool. Not hard to get, necessarily, but mind games with yourself to try to convince yourself that you’re really not that interested, you have tons of other options, you come first – the guy comes second…basically, you need to train yourself to think like a GUY!! When we do that, we present the guys in our lives with a challenge. And while I never believed in the “playing hard to get” rule, there is something too it. When a guy doesn’t have to work at all for our affections, they tend to lose interest very quickly. It’s a strange, strange sociological/biological phenomenon. But, to this day, I’m convinced that things worked between my fiancé and I because I truly didn’t care…I was at a point in my life where I’d just moved to a new city, new job, etc. and was trying to put my life together. I didn’t have much time for a new guy, too. And I think that was intriguing to my guy. He, truly, worked his ass off to get me interested…and I think if I’d done that with past relationships, I probably would’ve been a lot more successful…and a lot less miserable. I think I’ve written enough, but hope you’re able to find some pearl of wisdom in all of this. Hang in there, sister! *HUGS*
I wish I had some good advice for ya. All I can say is try and take it slow.
thank you so much jennifer. your response was exactly what i needed to read. i was beginning to feel like a freak. i have emailed a few other guys and told paul we need to slow this thing down. and i will call it "playing hard to get" because that is what i need to do. i guess my question would be, can you play hard to get after the damage has been done and you have given too muich away in the realm of affection? he was perfectly understanding of wanting to slow down because he is newly divorced and needs to see what else is out there. so at least we are on teh same page now and i do not care if he is on match. but will not be hooking up with him either anymore until we are exclusive. hopefully i have finally learned the lesson.
I don't know that you can go back. Once you've put yourself out there one of two things tend to happen: either they've gotten what they want and they're really not interested any more, or they are interested and when you pull back you confuse them b/c everything seemed fine before. The exception would be if the person were really the right one I suppose...then they would understand and things would just naturally fall into place. So I guess I'd say put this guy on the backburner...what is meant to be will be. And, in the meantime, go forth with your new found knowledge! I'm here for you to help how every I can! :-)
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