thanks everyone
thanks everyone for the quick responses. it moves me to know that there are strangers out there, some on the other side of the world, who can relate to this monster and have hopeful comments to send my hopeless way.
i am in therapy and have been since my relapse back in march. also started on antidepressants which have made it easier to get out of bed in the morning and do everyday tasks. i have also seen this therapist before when i was sober and she is very good, i.e., tough. i usually do not leave therapy feeling good.
i guess it comes down to the awful fact that i am not ready to give this up. life is just too scary. and yet, there are so many people around me whom i envy...a woman at work who is pregnant with her 3rd child and happily married....my roommate who has enough prudence and money skills to save in order to purchase a new car which she did tonight...my supervisor who is married with a beautiful home and dog that i saw for the first time last week....even a client who is going on vacation to Florida....
none of these wonderful things are possible as long as i am bulimic. frankly, i spend way too much time and money on it. my debt has gone up about $2000 since the relapse. now i have $6200 in credit card debt. that is because along with throwing up massive amounts of food, i also have an overspending problem and i charge things. and due to the energy that is drained from my body as a result of bulimia, i am not able to be in a healthy relationship with anyone right now which makes the prospects of marriage and family even less likely in the near future. why am i sabotaging my dreams? all for food? it makes no sense. all for a little bit of numbness for an hour at most?
i know my last blog sounded pretty down in the dumps. but the truth is that if you knew me in everyday life you would have no idea that i was bulimic or depressed. i put on a pretty good act in my personal and professional life. if people only knew...
posted by Jackie @ 5:22 PM
2 Comments:
Hi Jackie,
I just wanted to put out there that the happily married mother of 2, soon to be 3, your supervisor, your roommate... they just might be battling their own demons and depression and putting on an act like you do. You said people wouldn't know what you are going through if they saw you. Truth is, we have no idea what goes on in other people's heads and what they do when they are alone. What I'm trying to say is, don't beat up on yourself for having "problems." Everyone's got their share of them! Some people just don't bother to hide them.
On a completely different note, it just struck me that you wrote in your last post "on my way back to Manchester..." Manchester, MA!!!! It was one of the first places I visited in the U.S. (when I was 14 and travelled to Boston with my family), and I fell in love with it! During the two years I lived in NY state with my husband, I kept telling him I wanted to move to the Boston area, preferrably Manchester!
During our first summer together, J and I took a roadtrip to Gloucester. We stayed at a little B&B on the beach and had a fantastic time! It is so picturesque there! We always said one day we would open up a B&B there. Now I want it to be a healing center, where we offer acupuncture, Qi Gong, family style meals prepared with whole foods and all organic ingredients... maybe you could be our therapist there! :)
love and a big hug,
Emily
I have a great job, wonderful husband, beautiful child, own my own house, 2 cars, blah blah, and I'm still bulimic, battling similar demons that you do. Bulimia picks on every type of person, so don't feel any less b/c you have it, as it's NOT the case!
Love
Frida
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