can't stop
everytime i have had a thought to sit down and write, i find an excuse and do something else. i just cannot face myself anymore. i just threw up and am out of control. on friday, i spent the night at my sweet grandmother's house and binged on her vanilla ice cream and chocolate ice cream sandwiches. i had every intention to be good that night.
i am leading a double life and feel very alone. i can feel the tears still in my eyes from the strain of throwing up just now. i ate popcorn, a quart of my mom's homemade sauce, three meatballs, pasta, 2 pieces of bread with butter and a box and a half of kashi bars. i made myself go directly home after work without stopping at the store and still i found things to binge on... what did it was that today i found free popcorn from a pharmaceutical company marketing risperdal. this popcorn is the real fattening kind and i would never allow myself to eat it unless i was there was a purge involved after. so i snagged two packages and then i knew...i knew that with that popcorn in my possession, there would be no way i would make it through a day without a b/p.
last week, i made it though for 5 days. i sort of had a new perspective because my sister-in-law's 54 year-old mother died suddenly. she had a-plastic anemia, had two leg amputations from a bacterial infection she developed in the hospital following her bone marrow transplant and then had a massive stroke. they waited for my brother to arrive from emergency leave from the navy ship before they took her off of the machines. her diagnosis was made a month before she died. i flew down to baltimore to be with my brother and her family. i hardly had any cravings until i was in the airport on my way back to manchester. i even had too many peanuts on the plane to justify my need to binge more (by definition, 3 bags, ooooh...that is the old anorexic in me thinking that 3 bags of peanuts, you know those little bags they give you on the plane, is a binge!)
i cannot see ahead of me. i am weary. i cannot stop and i do not know what to do. i am out of control.
posted by Jackie @ 5:32 PM
6 Comments:
Don't beat yourself up, Jackie, but you need to get some help. Please, do it for yourself. You need to find some happiness and health.
Hi Jackie,
I am so glad you are posting again, because it means you are being honest with yourself and you want to heal!
It made me very sad to read your blog entry. Mostly because I know so well what it's like to be where you are now. I know the pain, the agony, the self-hatred, and the depression. I want so much just to take your head and pull you out of it, into a place that is light and joyful and fun!
Something I have realized for myself and that Heather has helped me tremendously in recognizing, is that I have this great power deep within me, and I was so afraid to step into my power and be all that I could be that I kept numbing myself with bulimia and depression. Who was I to make a contribution to the world? Who was I to be happy??
... the question should be, who am I NOT to!
I think it is the same with you, Jackie. You have the potential to transform so many people's lives with your work!
Another thing that strikes me is that people like us, with EDs, tend to be very empathic and easily pick up on energies from other people. You work with a lot of depressed and addicted people. There is a good chance you are absorbing some of their energies and confusing them for your own. See if you can tune in after a day at work and see how much of the sadness, depression, anxiety, etc. you are feeling are actually your own, and what may be emotions you have taken with you when you left the office.
There are some great Qi Gong exercises to protect yourself from picking up sick energy from other people. What I recommend most is visualizing yourself surrounded by a cocoon of golden light, which acts as a filter that lets in only good vibrations and blocks out negative, sick energy. Your own energy can flow out freely, but others' can only penetrate that barrier if it is energy that will benefit you. Do this in the morning before going to work and throughout the day, whenever you have the chance.
There is a great book by Judith Orloff about intuitive empaths. Maybe you know it already. It's called "Positive Energy." I think you would like it.
Another quick little exercise I recommend is pointing one hand to the ground and exhaling out any negative energy while making a "heeeee" sound. This releases any energy that is not your own into the earth to be recycled. If there are other people around, you can do the sound subvocally, that is without really making any sound.
Jackie, you're in my thoughts tonight, and I am sending light and love your way! I know so well the grasp of this addiction and how enticing it can be, but I also know how much more fulfilling life is beyond it! Do you have anyone that you're talking about this to who could give you some support? I have found it helps tremendously to have someone to be accountable to in overcoming this disorder!
very much love,
Emily
Hey Jackie, so glad you're posting again. I'm sad you're having a hard time, but know that you're strong, and will get through this. It just really sucks when you're in this rut. Have you looked into therapy to get you through this?
Thinking of you.
Love
Frida
You are not alone. This is a battle that is very difficult to claim victory over. It sounds like you are battling depression as well. Try to discover resources near you. Talking with someone who understands this obsession may enlighten your soul.
I am full bloom back into the BPs (3 times ave a day). However I do have a serenity, a happiness within. I am not going to let this destroy me. Yes, I am obsessed with food, but I still am living and battling this beast -- and I am not alone in my fight.
Do you know how beautiful the gift of Hope is?
Please take care of yourself. Your outter shell houses a beautiful soul that is waiting to be let loose to the World. You have purpose.
Jackie-
Reading this reallyyy helped me relize alot. I juss randomly found this on google bc ive been looking for ways to quit. Im really badly bulimic. I have been for about 7 months now. I happen to be a wreslter and am in gymnasticss, both cause me to need to be skinny and they make me feel very depressed. Everything you said has in a way hapended to me, also how you think bout it is how i think too. it makes me feel like im not alone. Im really glad i found this. Ive been trying to quit for so long, ive finally desided im going to get help. Im too skinny now, i weigh 100 pounds. i dont even do well in my sports anymore bc im so tired and worn out. I sadly cant stop by myself though. I kno if i dont stop, im just bound to die or get really sick.
the comments below also helped me alot too. Im so glad ive found this.
tyvm!
-Jackie
I am currently suffering with bulimia have been for actually, 16 years. It all started when I was young and had a sexual abuse bappen to me. I just ate to feel better then I would feel guilty and over and over again it would start. I haven't told anyone. I recovered from it for 2 years and then having a baby the stress of it all for some odd reason started it again. I didn't do it while I was pregnant at all and ate so healthy for my child. Plus my relationship isn't so healthy, whom I am with now. It hasn't made me skinnier it has only made my metabolism way worse and I weight more than I was when I was pregnant if you can believe that it has made me feel worthless and even made parenting harder. Any suggestions out there that will help in anyway I hope to keep reading your blogs for advice. Thank you and God bless!
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