still around and sick

i have been still throwing up on a daily basis since the last time i wrote. i have gone maybe 2-3 days at different times without it, but these periods of sanity are not often. in december i did something really dumb: i was convinced that my celexa, which was actually helping my depression, was causing acne. (never thought to myself until later, no dumbass, do you think it might be the daily vomiting you are doing that might be causing hormone fluctuations, dehydration and consequently, skin problems?) so i took myself off the celexa, right before the holidays. big mistake. i was a mess. and everyone could see it. now my family knows i relapsed, or they are guessing i have. they are not idiots. i looked terrible. and i felt so depressed.

i am also in this pseudointimate boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and have been since that first date i talked about in my last post. turns out, this guy i was not that into that night and figured was not into me is actually wonderful. it has been almost 4 months. we have great sex and alot of fun together but there is something integral missing: me. i am usually not present with him because of my bulimia. even when i am physically present, i am either obsessing about food or too fatigued to give emotionally of myself. we fight a lot, usually about my jealousies and insecurities. i am not good at allowing him to give to me. i do not think i deserve someone to be nice to me deep down inside. i am a bulimic and pathetic.

he knows, i felt i had to tell him, although he does not know anything about it in detail. i told him i was struggling but how do you begin to describe what this addiction is like to someone who has never had any sort of addiction? and the depression: frequent crying, moodiness, anhedonia, etc. i usually drink myself to oblivion to have fun and am planning on doing so tonight. drinking has become my new pastime. i feel sexy and beautiful again on the outside, but never on the inside. but at least with drinking, i forget how i feel about myself on the inside. and the sex is always great after.

he says he loves me but i do not believe him. HE DOES NOT KNOW ME! he does not know how dark i feel inside, how lost, how frightened i am of this demon. i told him not to tell me he loves me anymore. and now he will say, "i like you."

we are going out with some of his friends tonight who are in from california. not looking forward to it. i have to be "on." and i am exhausted. was trialing a new antidepressant, cymbalta, and have not slept in a long time.

i want to make more of a commitment to writing here. i hope i have not lost all of you. maybe i will respond to some of your posts so that you know i am back on. i have been following most of them anyway. God bless.