Willing to be willing but unable to stop

About my bulimia and other people/romance addictions...

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Hopeless

I feel hopeless and out of control today. I have already b/p 3 times. It is out of control and my throat is stinging from the acid in my esophagus. When I was feeling hopeful about and desire for recovery over the weekend, I requested that my boyfriend do me a favor: Please ask me every night whether I threw up. And he has asked very night. I regret it because I am so ashamed. I thought that my desire to please him would be an incentive to withstand the cravings. But in fact, the pressure to be sober has really made it difficult and in fact has worsened my cravings.

Last night, after he asked the question and I admitted that I had fucked up, he told me that his patience was not going to last forever, that there was a limit at what he could do and that he could not "see a future with someone who is destroying herself." That last part hurt so much. It has made me even more sick today. I feel like I am sabotaging a good thing and yet someone else is pulling the strings. I am a puppet, a robot, possessed with some demon. Except the worst part about it is that I know I am possessed and being controlled and that is what is so frightening. I am frightened of this bulimia. It has taken over. Even as I write this, I am eating 1.75 quart of Edy's Samoas ice cream. In the last hour, I have consumed two bagels with cream cheese from Dunkin Donuts, 2 pieces of cake, an entire chicken with mayo (minus the legs which I ate yesterday), and now this ice cream.

I am a disgusting pig.

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home