Willing to be willing but unable to stop

About my bulimia and other people/romance addictions...

Monday, March 26, 2007

slips, slips and more slips

I b/p twice today and in a few minutes will be a third. my mother and sister know and I have talked to them both about it openly. It actually went well...I had pictured them finding out a whole lot worse.

This past weekend I bought myself a laptop. Believe it or not, this is the first computer I have ever bought for myself and always settled for fucked up machines because of no money. Too bad I am spending so much money on binge food. I will total the amount over the last year on my new microsoft money and will include the total in a blog. Have to be accountable to myself.

I feel empty, lost, disappointed in this relationship with Brian. I feel that I am giving a lot more than he gives to me and I am feeling resentful and then guilty because of my resent and back and forth...back and forth....until I feel so sick of my feelings that I make myself sick.

I know that a huge trigger for my bulimia is feeling deprived of something...in this case of love. I love and love and love someone and when I over invest myself, I end up feeling deprived and bulimia seems like the natural response to feeding my "hungry heart."

No excuses. I make my own choices. I have decided to step back a little from this relationship and take back some of my alone time and independence. Now that I have this laptop, I have the freedom to blog anywhere and everywhere. I plan to get in touch with all of you out there who understand this horrible addiction.

And lastly, who buys 7 pairs of shoes/sandals in 1 1/2 weeks? I guess someone with a touch of hypomania does...sometimes I think this antidepressant makes me manic. At least I got them on sale.

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