Good Friday
I had my last binge tonight. I know you all think I am in denial but this is it. This is it. "This is the end...I'll never look into your eyes again...can you think of what will be...?"
I opened up a lot to my boyfriend last night about my despair and powerlessness over this monster. I decided to try something new: I am handing over my means of payment. He will hold onto my credit cards, my check book and my debit card. I cannot trust myself and I need help. I am not going to take time off from work to do some intensive outpatient program and yet, I really need some outside intervention because my mind cannot be trusted to do the right thing. If he can just hold onto my money, the temptation will be less because it simply will not be possible to purchase binge food. I realize that there is food at work but it does not constitute a binge because it is in small amounts.
I wonder if this will work. I need it to. I am desperate.
Tonight in celebration, I went to Bertucci's with my best friend who is a binge eater and infrequent laxative abuse (which I suppose also makes her bulimia but she would never call it that). I ate 6 rolls, a whole calzone, chai soy latte, chocolate mousse, and 2 almond chocolate bars from Starbucks. I am about to puke and I cannot wait for it to be over. Then I will wash the vomit off of my face, maybe take a shower, pack a bag and drive to my boyfriend's house. I cannot wait to sleep next to him where I feel safe from myself. I am my own worst enemy and I am afraid of myself.
posted by Jackie @ 7:41 PM
3 Comments:
Hi sweety,
Just checking in to see how you are doing. If this new venture did not work out please know there is no judgement. It is a GREAT beast, I understand this much of it.
I hope that you keep on writing.
This is my first visit here. You remind me of myself. A lot. I'm also 30, and I binge. Like you, I'm determined to finally end the cycle. There is hope, we just have to believe. And you know, sometimes therapy can help.
Please don't stop believing in yourself. Please seek out help when you can't seem to pull through alone. (I'm making finding a therapist a priority tomorrow.)
Life's too short--and we're all too remarkable--to have something like food control us--and control our lives.
You CAN stop. I DO care. :-)
I can relate to everything you've said in your blogs. I can even relate to the way you write about it. I'm 23 and I'm seeing a psychologist right now and trying to quit. I'm so desperate already! I just want it to end! But the truth is, I think hearing people that feel like me (like you) helps me more than all the redundant things my doctors tell me, that I already know anyway. Please keep writing! You'll be helping people like me. And maybe I can do the same for you!
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