didn't make it

i had a great day up until half through this first date tonight. maybe i should not date for a while. usually if i do not feel some spark, i get discouraged and then in the middle of the dinner, i will have a shift in my mind which plans on a b/p. usually as the guy is talking about himself, i will concentrate on the taste of the dinner and what i will eat after i say goodbye to him. it is such a comfort to have my food right there on a date if the date is not going well. the opposite happens when a date is going well: i lose my appetite and am in the clouds when i am with a guy i really like.

this past boyfriend did not turn out so great. i was so caught up in our relationship that i did not blog very much. mind you, i had my bulimia right beside me the whole time and never let myself feel too much for him. and i did a lot of other stupid things, like drink alot, have sex, fool around in public places and rationalize his lying. well it is over and i have remained steadfast in not seeing him anymore. almost slipped last week...at midnight out of the blue after not talking for over 1 week, i called him and we ended up having phone sex. i was going to meet him the next day "for a drink" and that is when i went into my therpist's office crying and feeling very out of control. the bigger part of me knew it would not be healthy to see this guy...but the other part of me wanted to feel desired. the feeling of being desired and attractive is very alluring to me. but it is a waste of time if it is with the wrong person. ain't getting no younger...

alone time

i did something that i have been wanting to do for a long time: i did nothing! on a saturday night, i chose to go home and veg. and you know what, i feel a thousand times better this morning on sunday and going into the work week. my life needs more balance.

i shouldn't say i did nothing. i went through 4 months of receipts and bank statements and filed things. but i felt so much better after. of course it was painful to see just how much money i have spent on a binge food but i needed to face it.

i am on a new kick today! last night, i called my best friend caroline at 11:00pm and said that i would be checking in with her tonight sunday about a b/p free day. i will take it one day at a time but my goal is to go into the holidays and new year with much healthier behaviors and feeling better. i am so fatigued lately and i feel the effects of the bulimia on my body. i guess i am really not 19 anymore. i am tired of leading a double life. it is too isolating.

i have about 15 social worker newspapers/articles to get through today that have been in a major pile since my relapse last spring. i do not expect to get through all of them but a good chunk. and i am going to church in an hour. i need God in my life , i miss Him. and i know He welcomes me back with open arms.

wish me luck gals/say some prayers or send me good energy my way! thanks for all your kindness! will check in again tonight!

not kosher

i am doing the thing i tell most of my clients NOT TO DO: i am tapering myself off of my anti-depressant. i do not want to be on meds. i want to do this on my own. and besides, i have given the medication several months to help me with my bulimia and if anything, i am more impulsive on it.

tonight as i drove home from my friend's house, i was thinking how much i want health. i want to feel clean inside and out. i hate bulimia and yet, i can't stop. why is that?

i am going to start going to church again and taking walks. i stopped exercising weeks ago and i miss it. paying for a gym membership that i hardly use.

just vomited in the bathroom from food over 3 hours ago. i refuse to purge in public or at a friend's house. although i have done that in the past... how can my roommate not confront me about the smell? am i really fooling her like i think i am? who knows? part of me could care less and the other part of me is very ashamed...

tomorrow when i have more energy, i will write about the latest guy drama. i have two first dates this weekend, two different guys. this match.com stuff takes so much time and commitment!! good night everyone out there.

manic?

i was diagnosed with bipolar II during my 4 month rehab stay 5 years ago at Sante Center for Healing. There i met sex addicts, pedofiles, drug addicts, alcoholics and eating disordere folks. and everyone was given this diagnoses of bipolar. most patients were on anti-depressants and a mood stabilizer like depakote or neurontin, and some really sick ones on an anti-psychotic.

i never really bought into the diagnoses. especially because some of my highly promiscious times were while i was taking those meds and in fact, when i became pregnant i was on mood stabalizers for my "manic behavior."

lately, i have been hypersexual, overspending on credit cards and of course binging and purging. i feel high much of the time, euphoric when i am dating, depressed when things do not go my way. i wonder sometimes if they were right, or is this nutritional deficiencies or hormones that are causing my mood swings and impulsive behavior?

thanks everyone

thanks everyone for the quick responses. it moves me to know that there are strangers out there, some on the other side of the world, who can relate to this monster and have hopeful comments to send my hopeless way.

i am in therapy and have been since my relapse back in march. also started on antidepressants which have made it easier to get out of bed in the morning and do everyday tasks. i have also seen this therapist before when i was sober and she is very good, i.e., tough. i usually do not leave therapy feeling good.

i guess it comes down to the awful fact that i am not ready to give this up. life is just too scary. and yet, there are so many people around me whom i envy...a woman at work who is pregnant with her 3rd child and happily married....my roommate who has enough prudence and money skills to save in order to purchase a new car which she did tonight...my supervisor who is married with a beautiful home and dog that i saw for the first time last week....even a client who is going on vacation to Florida....

none of these wonderful things are possible as long as i am bulimic. frankly, i spend way too much time and money on it. my debt has gone up about $2000 since the relapse. now i have $6200 in credit card debt. that is because along with throwing up massive amounts of food, i also have an overspending problem and i charge things. and due to the energy that is drained from my body as a result of bulimia, i am not able to be in a healthy relationship with anyone right now which makes the prospects of marriage and family even less likely in the near future. why am i sabotaging my dreams? all for food? it makes no sense. all for a little bit of numbness for an hour at most?

i know my last blog sounded pretty down in the dumps. but the truth is that if you knew me in everyday life you would have no idea that i was bulimic or depressed. i put on a pretty good act in my personal and professional life. if people only knew...

can't stop

everytime i have had a thought to sit down and write, i find an excuse and do something else. i just cannot face myself anymore. i just threw up and am out of control. on friday, i spent the night at my sweet grandmother's house and binged on her vanilla ice cream and chocolate ice cream sandwiches. i had every intention to be good that night.

i am leading a double life and feel very alone. i can feel the tears still in my eyes from the strain of throwing up just now. i ate popcorn, a quart of my mom's homemade sauce, three meatballs, pasta, 2 pieces of bread with butter and a box and a half of kashi bars. i made myself go directly home after work without stopping at the store and still i found things to binge on... what did it was that today i found free popcorn from a pharmaceutical company marketing risperdal. this popcorn is the real fattening kind and i would never allow myself to eat it unless i was there was a purge involved after. so i snagged two packages and then i knew...i knew that with that popcorn in my possession, there would be no way i would make it through a day without a b/p.

last week, i made it though for 5 days. i sort of had a new perspective because my sister-in-law's 54 year-old mother died suddenly. she had a-plastic anemia, had two leg amputations from a bacterial infection she developed in the hospital following her bone marrow transplant and then had a massive stroke. they waited for my brother to arrive from emergency leave from the navy ship before they took her off of the machines. her diagnosis was made a month before she died. i flew down to baltimore to be with my brother and her family. i hardly had any cravings until i was in the airport on my way back to manchester. i even had too many peanuts on the plane to justify my need to binge more (by definition, 3 bags, ooooh...that is the old anorexic in me thinking that 3 bags of peanuts, you know those little bags they give you on the plane, is a binge!)

i cannot see ahead of me. i am weary. i cannot stop and i do not know what to do. i am out of control.