My refuge

Bulimia is my refuge. Whenever I feel any emotion, bulimia in the moment makes "it" better. If I am excited, I am even more excited about the choices of food and the tastes that will soon swim in my mouth during an upcoming binge. With sadness, I am numb and no longer sad. If I am angry, I no longer care about anything anymore when bulimia is around. All that rage down the toilet and taken out on my body, and at least I got to enjoy myself with food.

Bulimia makes me feel strong in the moment and I could care less about anybody or myself. I no longer feel vulnerable. I am not afraid of being hurt.

Lately, bulimia has been my answer to any sort of stress and feeling of being overextended both professionally and personally.

Bulimia is the reason I got through grad school. It is the way I made it through all of the emotional abuse from my mother, the unfaithfulness of a college boyfriend, the stress of finances, the neglect of my father, pregnancy...I cannot stand it when people ask, "How did you make it through school and do so well?" My response inside my head is always, "How could I make it WITHOUT this monster?"

And that realization makes me feel like a fake, inauthentic, insincere, living a lie, a HYPOCRITE, a failure. Especially in the social work/psych world folks.... having past of pain is helpful in having insight to your client's turmoil surely but battling an addiction while at the same time counseling others? Whatever.

Over the last few years, I have been obsessed with meeting the man of my dreams, the future father of my children, the love of my life...you get the point. For almost 15 years, I have dreamed of working with people with mental health problems and have craved understanding of dysfunction in the individual, family and community at large. And my dreams are at the cusp of fulfillment...they are right within my reach....finally.

and yet.....

there is my bulimia always within reach and close by waiting for me to say yes...come in....help me forget.

Bulimia will ruin it all if I let it. And the most horrible truth about this addiction is that WE CAN STOP IT....or lose everything of value and worth that could have been beautiful.



My boyfriend has told me directly that he cannot commit or be with someone who is ruining herself. Does throwing up on a daily basis 3-4 times per day and spending $50 a day on food count?

Ups and Downs

It has been over since 6 months since my last post. In reading the last post, what is so remarkable to me is how little movement I have made since then. I am in a similar place I was on April 6, 2007. Want to stop, want to be willing and yet the compulsion is so damn strong... it has a hold on me, like a demon.

Still with my boyfriend. Last night he told me he could not commit to someone who was destroying herself. I do not blame him. I would never be with an addict and certainly would not allow the father of my children be one. My love is looking for the mother of his future children and unless I get healthy, it will not be me.

Went to Thailand for 2 weeks last month! My first real vacation! Have travelled to Mexico and Canada but not for a real vacation. I did well with food. In fact, I did not binge or purge for 6 weeks leading up to the vacation. I wanted to feel normal on the trip and I did! Until i got sick with a GI problem and was throwing up every meal. By the time I got home, i had bronchitis as well and was very much under the weather. My work ended up keeping me on for full-time despite plans to cut my hours when I got back from vacation. I am convinced that the stress from work plus getting sick and not feeling like myself pushed me over the edge to throwing up again.

What a shame really. I felt beautiful in Thailand. Wore a bikini for the first time. Loved being with Brian. I think you can tell a lot about your relationship after spending two solid weeks together in a foreign country. Aside from getting sick, we had a fucking blast!

Now back at work and seeing more clients than ever at my second job. Trying to help them beat their demons when I do not have a handle on my own.

Have to do something. I would not be writing unless a huge part of me wanted recovery.

Woo hoo, the Red Sox just scored another run....3-1, Boston!!

Anyway, will start reading other's blogs and hope to get some responses. God bless...