My refuge
Bulimia is my refuge. Whenever I feel any emotion, bulimia in the moment makes "it" better. If I am excited, I am even more excited about the choices of food and the tastes that will soon swim in my mouth during an upcoming binge. With sadness, I am numb and no longer sad. If I am angry, I no longer care about anything anymore when bulimia is around. All that rage down the toilet and taken out on my body, and at least I got to enjoy myself with food.
Bulimia makes me feel strong in the moment and I could care less about anybody or myself. I no longer feel vulnerable. I am not afraid of being hurt.
Lately, bulimia has been my answer to any sort of stress and feeling of being overextended both professionally and personally.
Bulimia is the reason I got through grad school. It is the way I made it through all of the emotional abuse from my mother, the unfaithfulness of a college boyfriend, the stress of finances, the neglect of my father, pregnancy...I cannot stand it when people ask, "How did you make it through school and do so well?" My response inside my head is always, "How could I make it WITHOUT this monster?"
And that realization makes me feel like a fake, inauthentic, insincere, living a lie, a HYPOCRITE, a failure. Especially in the social work/psych world folks.... having past of pain is helpful in having insight to your client's turmoil surely but battling an addiction while at the same time counseling others? Whatever.
Over the last few years, I have been obsessed with meeting the man of my dreams, the future father of my children, the love of my life...you get the point. For almost 15 years, I have dreamed of working with people with mental health problems and have craved understanding of dysfunction in the individual, family and community at large. And my dreams are at the cusp of fulfillment...they are right within my reach....finally.
and yet.....
there is my bulimia always within reach and close by waiting for me to say yes...come in....help me forget.
Bulimia will ruin it all if I let it. And the most horrible truth about this addiction is that WE CAN STOP IT....or lose everything of value and worth that could have been beautiful.
My boyfriend has told me directly that he cannot commit or be with someone who is ruining herself. Does throwing up on a daily basis 3-4 times per day and spending $50 a day on food count?
posted by Jackie @ 6:59 PM
4 Comments:
Yes, we are the only ones who can truly stop it, but you also realise that in order to stop the behaviour you need to look at why that behaviour exists and work on those reasons, too.
I haven't read enough to comment much more, but I'd like to stick around with your permission and learn more about you and travel this journey with you.
People look at us and only see what society is taught to see. They forget that EDs and other addictions are coping mechanisms. They don't realise that we are afraid of what we are - with or without the ED.
But back to some positivity, YOU can do this, Babe. You can be without this monster. And you can be happy and healthy and be loved simply for be-ing. Just remember that two steps forward and one step back still means going forward.
Isn't this why thwy call therapists "wounded healers"? You are in my prayers.
~kel
I feel for you. I have no words, but I wanted to say "hello" and let you know you are in my thoughts. I found your blog through Emily Jolie's blog...I'm linked to on her blog too...and a few others in this friendly little family.
Take care.
Much love,
Arielle
Hi Jackie,
Just reading the title of your blog, "Willing to be willing but unable to stop" brought tears to my eyes because I so desperately feel that way every minute of everyday.
I feel the same hypocrisy you mentioned in your post...How can I counsel anyone? How can I give someone advice when I know my face will be in the toilet bowl by the end of the night.
I'm really glad I came across your blog. I know you will stop this behavior that we both suffer from. I know I will too. When? How? That I'm unsure of. But at least we're willing.
Post a Comment
<< Home