I am still here

Hi everyone out there. I am still here. I still read your blogs. And I am still horribly bulimic.

I remember when I first discovered blogging after my relapse in 2006 and I started my own. It was a time in my life when I was heavy into "finding the one." Lots of dating, online, offline, etc. Many disappointments, restlessness, hurts, fears I would end up alone.

Then I met him in October 2006, six months after my relapse. My love, my partner, my future husband (I hope!) I was able to be well 1 month, 2 months last year here and there. The relationship has had its challenges. But overall, he and I are a good fit and help each other be better people. And he is the first man I have ever trusted.

So now, I wonder....I have finally found him...the love of my life, blah, blah, blah....why the fuck can't I stop?

I moved in last month which is huge for me. I have never lived with anyone. Being alone has always fed the disease. I mean even when I did have roommates, they were not into my business and it did not make it difficult to be bulimic.

Around May, I started planning on giving it up. I decided June 1st was the day. I thought, well at least if I have 1 month "sober", I will not be going through psychological withdrawal from bulimia when I move in July 1. But June 1 came and went as did the rest of the month. The whole month went by and the bulimia was worse. Not sure if it was worse because of the anxieties of moving and moving in with someone or because everyday was a "last hooray" for me and I went all out with binges.

Now here I am August 9th. Still bulimic. And what a pain in the ass it has been. Completely lying and sneaking with food. Binges in the car on the way home from work because I can't do it in front of him. He tries to kiss me and I look away because of my breath. No more taking my time, watching TV with piles of food around, "set" for the night and comfortable. Ridiculous. If he ever knew.....

Right now, I am buying time before a purge. We went out to dinner tonight and I gorged myself. I wonder if he honestly believes that because I run and work out, I can eat what I want and not gain. I mean really, while I do sneak and hide a lot, I do also eat ALOT in front of him. He never asks questions.

The other day, I thought he had gone down to look at his new car, and he came back early and I was in the middle of gagging myself silly: "Honey...are you all right?" The vomiting was so loud, I did not hear the door. Pause. "I'm fine honey...just fine." I pretended to open the cabinet door, tear open a tampon, act busy in there. 3 minutes later I flushed the toilet. Never asked about it and I never brought it up.