slips, slips and more slips

I b/p twice today and in a few minutes will be a third. my mother and sister know and I have talked to them both about it openly. It actually went well...I had pictured them finding out a whole lot worse.

This past weekend I bought myself a laptop. Believe it or not, this is the first computer I have ever bought for myself and always settled for fucked up machines because of no money. Too bad I am spending so much money on binge food. I will total the amount over the last year on my new microsoft money and will include the total in a blog. Have to be accountable to myself.

I feel empty, lost, disappointed in this relationship with Brian. I feel that I am giving a lot more than he gives to me and I am feeling resentful and then guilty because of my resent and back and forth...back and forth....until I feel so sick of my feelings that I make myself sick.

I know that a huge trigger for my bulimia is feeling deprived of something...in this case of love. I love and love and love someone and when I over invest myself, I end up feeling deprived and bulimia seems like the natural response to feeding my "hungry heart."

No excuses. I make my own choices. I have decided to step back a little from this relationship and take back some of my alone time and independence. Now that I have this laptop, I have the freedom to blog anywhere and everywhere. I plan to get in touch with all of you out there who understand this horrible addiction.

And lastly, who buys 7 pairs of shoes/sandals in 1 1/2 weeks? I guess someone with a touch of hypomania does...sometimes I think this antidepressant makes me manic. At least I got them on sale.

California

I went to California for the first time over the past weekend. I did not b/p from Thursday night until Sunday night. That is actually good and I had some rough cravings over the weekend, mostly on the second day of abstinence. By the third day, it was 50% easier but then as soon as the opportunity arose, I slipped.

I do not know what in the hell is holding me back from freedom. I have everything to look forward to by giving this up and everything to lose if I do not.

I bought some good skin care products from my electrologist tonight. Perhaps that will be an incentive to now clean myself from the inside out as well. I am hoping my vanity and desire for my old clear skin will be an incentive to at least significantly reduce bulimic episodes. Once I slip, I slip 3-4 times per day until the next abstinent stretch which would be several days or weeks later. I have b/p 4 times today, 4 times yesterday and even once in the airport. I am tired.

Off to bed and need to make it a priority to write more on this blog. God bless all you fellow addicts.

Day 0

Well I am back to square one. I had last Tuesday through yesterday Sunday b/p free. Even got through a couple of really bad craving days and then this morning, went to the morning meeting and saw the bagels and coffee cake and even the fruit and it was like I became a robot...I just started eating and eating and eating, all day long. I stole bagels, stuffed candy bars from the vending machine in my pockets, ate in secret in the chapel where no one would see me and threw up everything. Used two different bathrooms at the hospital so not to be obvious. I b/p at least 3 times today, and am about to go purge the meatball calzone, pint of ice cream, package of cookies, popcorn, pop tarts and the snickers bar. I feel disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. All I want to do is throw up, crawl into bed and go to sleep. But life is still calling me...have to pay bills, call my boyfriend, clean my room, prepare for another 12 hour work day tomorrow. Will write again soon.