Willing to be willing but unable to stop

About my bulimia and other people/romance addictions...

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Day 2

So I made it through yesterday, although the cravings were unbearable. I keep telling myself, just get through 7 days and the cravings will be less intense. The afternoons after lunch are the most difficult, especially lately because I recently started to b/p at work. Now when I go down to the cafeteria, I see all the sweets I binged on just a few days ago.

I went to Mass last night, almost didn't go because I felt very rushed. My day was back to back appointments right up until needing to be at my boyfriend's house at a certain time. I never have any down time due to the 3 jobs I carry and this relationship. Sure I am making mroe money and able to pay off mycredit cards, and yes, I have finally met someone who seems to be a nice guy, but this schedule really adds to my anxiety which in turn yields strong food cravings and a desire to binge.

Will write more later. Have to go to a meeting now.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Day 1--Ash Wednesday

"Lord, help me."
So my deadline is today to give up bulimia. It is Ash Wednesday and I have been planning this for a while. I want to go to church on Easter and know that I made it through 40 days and nights without this monster.

To be honest, I already miss it. I had a great binge last night, the food tasted so good although the purging was not pleasant. My entire body is exhausted from a year of bulimia and my skin...let's just say that the beautiful skin I used to have is gone and replaced with acne and scarring.

I feel depressed about giving it up but I have told enough people about the deadline that they will be asking about it and I do not want to let them down. I know, I know, "what about letting yourself down?" To me, bulimia never felt self-destructive, only comforting, a way I was giving in to myself and all my cravings.

I decided to start going to a support group for women over the age of 25 with binge eating disorder and/or bulimia. When I got into a car accident a few weeks back from binge eating while driving, my sister-in-law and brother confronted me and found this support group online. I have been aware that it existed but was not ready to make a commitment. And plus, it is located all the way in Newton which is way out of the way AND takes place on my only night off from work.

I am inlove with a nice guy. He is the nicest guy I have ever known and I do not want to sabotage a chance at a healthy and happy relationship with very possibly "the love of my life" all because of a fucking adolescent eating disorder. I am going to be 31 years-old for God's sake.

Would like to check in on this everyday. Help...I am frightened of the cravings to come.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

still around and sick

i have been still throwing up on a daily basis since the last time i wrote. i have gone maybe 2-3 days at different times without it, but these periods of sanity are not often. in december i did something really dumb: i was convinced that my celexa, which was actually helping my depression, was causing acne. (never thought to myself until later, no dumbass, do you think it might be the daily vomiting you are doing that might be causing hormone fluctuations, dehydration and consequently, skin problems?) so i took myself off the celexa, right before the holidays. big mistake. i was a mess. and everyone could see it. now my family knows i relapsed, or they are guessing i have. they are not idiots. i looked terrible. and i felt so depressed.

i am also in this pseudointimate boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and have been since that first date i talked about in my last post. turns out, this guy i was not that into that night and figured was not into me is actually wonderful. it has been almost 4 months. we have great sex and alot of fun together but there is something integral missing: me. i am usually not present with him because of my bulimia. even when i am physically present, i am either obsessing about food or too fatigued to give emotionally of myself. we fight a lot, usually about my jealousies and insecurities. i am not good at allowing him to give to me. i do not think i deserve someone to be nice to me deep down inside. i am a bulimic and pathetic.

he knows, i felt i had to tell him, although he does not know anything about it in detail. i told him i was struggling but how do you begin to describe what this addiction is like to someone who has never had any sort of addiction? and the depression: frequent crying, moodiness, anhedonia, etc. i usually drink myself to oblivion to have fun and am planning on doing so tonight. drinking has become my new pastime. i feel sexy and beautiful again on the outside, but never on the inside. but at least with drinking, i forget how i feel about myself on the inside. and the sex is always great after.

he says he loves me but i do not believe him. HE DOES NOT KNOW ME! he does not know how dark i feel inside, how lost, how frightened i am of this demon. i told him not to tell me he loves me anymore. and now he will say, "i like you."

we are going out with some of his friends tonight who are in from california. not looking forward to it. i have to be "on." and i am exhausted. was trialing a new antidepressant, cymbalta, and have not slept in a long time.

i want to make more of a commitment to writing here. i hope i have not lost all of you. maybe i will respond to some of your posts so that you know i am back on. i have been following most of them anyway. God bless.