some random thoughts on saturday night

there is really no more benefit to my continuing to be bulimic. it is getting ridiculous. i find no comfort from it anymore and i find that i crave it less and less--now doing it more out of habit and boredom than anything. i sort of wonder if i were to put in more of an effort to steer away from habit how much time i could stay sober.

my date last night was incredible. i am just trying to not "project" into the future (the word paul uses to describe what he does which is exactly what i do too). the other word that comes to mind which is so simple and yet accurate to describe my insane behavior in romantic relationships is risky "investment." i really do not know a lot about money or investing in stocks or bonds but the analogy makes sense nonetheless. i have a dangerous pattern of "investing" all my emotions, thoughts, energy, focus, concentration and entire being into a "relationship" that is only a few weeks old. why would anyone do that? it is very risky.

i really liked michelle's blog post today, particularly the following excerpt (hope it is kosher to copy and past, if not, someone please let me know):

"This is what she had to say in response to my last post about wanting to really feel all of life, even with its ups and downs. I'm so sick of keeping myself numb, afraid to feel, afraid of potential pain, so that I don't even feel all the joy and excitement, and yes, even the uncertainty and endless possibility of it all . . . I love it.

"and i say to myself, i want it all, the whole thing in its entirety, as real as it can get, and then some of its pain on top of it all- i want it all or none at all, and not delude myself with a quasi-real, or rather surreal, or perhaps unreal life made of illusions, delusions, past pains and future doubts- i rather take the pain of disappointment in the end, then have what will dissolve in the air with not even a memory left to remind what it was like... how it was... question whether i was even there in the first place... wonder how i got where i am... and not having a clue where it is that i'm going."

i too want to live in reality even if reality is uncertain and the unknown triggers fear in me. instead of projecting and living in a fantasy world, i want to try and live day by day and in respect of the value of time which is truth's best friend. living in the present and not in the future of married life or in resentment and hurts of the past. living in present and being comfortable enough in my own skin. and to still wonder and hope and dream but to not become insanely fearful of the unknown so much so that i need my imagination to convince me of a "known" which is probably false.

so to practice this and apply it to my current situation with paul:

1) what is known: we seem to have a lot in common on an emotional, intellectual, mental, spiritual and sexual level; i enjoy my time with him and am able to live in the moment and have fun; i am very attracted to him; i would like to see him again am intrigued by him; he respects my wish to abstain from sex until we know each other more; WE ARE NOT EXCLUSIVE AND THAT IS OK; WE ARE BOTH STILL ON MATCH.COM AND ACTIVE; WE HAVE BEEN HONEST WITH EACH OTHER ABOUT THIS.
2) what is uncertain and that is ok: we may or may not be ultimately compatible, he may or may not be ready for a serious relationship, our timing may be off, he may or may not accept me knowing my past and present battle with bulimia; AND THE MOST FEARFUL UNCERTAINTY OF THEM ALL, WHAT MATCH.COM MEANS TO HIM AND HOW MANY OTHER WOMEN HE IS DATING CURRENTLY.

thanks for humoring me guys, those of you out there who are reading this psychobabble... but this is what i would be writing in my journal if i still kept one. and it is an exercise that is valuable to me. and you know what, it works: he just called and left a message (notice i did not answer the phone) and i am not jumping to listen to it, wondering what he said, interpreting what he said or did not say in it. i am simply finishing this blog and trying to stay in the present.

and now the confession of the day: i did binge and purge today, after i left my mom's house and once i got home. i ate 4 pieces of homemade pizza, a piece of pumpkin pie, a whole coffee cake that was on sale, and 4 donuts. ughhhhh.... disgusting. it was not fun throwing up either.

part of the binge today was my stress and sadness about my mother. for those of you out there who know what borderline personality disorder is, god bless you. my mom has it and it took me 10 years to figure out what in the hell was wrong with her. to sum, she has the rage, paranoi, mood swings, fear of abandonment, jealousy, black and white thinking and para-suicidal behavior (i.e., her unwillingness to seek treatment and get help for her sickness).

she is sick. she has lupus, arthritis, thyroid disease, fibroid tumors, and kidney disease. she is only 50 years old. while she is sick, she uses her illness to get attention and to remain a victim. for instance, she will constantly complain about being in pain and feeling fatigue. she will add that her doctor wants her to get some blood work and then she will procrastinate for months before going to the lab. she sabotages solutions. and it is very annoying to me. i get angry at her and then my compassion, which has always been one of my strengths, dwindles. then of course, the catholic guilt comes: why can't i be more loving? why am i such a cold person? why can't i show my mother some warmth instead of my annoyance with her? and of course my reaction just adds to the vicious cycle of her poor insight that noone loves her, noone is really there for her, she is truly alone in the world.

so anyway, she is supposed to have a hysterectomy in october. she will not tell us for sure if she is going to have one nor will she commit to a date but she wants to prepare her house for it. so today we sanded down the walls, washed years and years of grime off of them, and put up the tape around the molding. tomorrow we will paint.

i always have such ambivalence when i help my mother. i want to help but i resent having to help at the same time. and i feel guilt.

ok, this has been a long enough post. the wind is blowing outside. it is saturday night and i will be going to bed shortly after only 5 hours of sleep last night. trying to still be in the present. thanks for reading.