Good Friday

I had my last binge tonight. I know you all think I am in denial but this is it. This is it. "This is the end...I'll never look into your eyes again...can you think of what will be...?"

I opened up a lot to my boyfriend last night about my despair and powerlessness over this monster. I decided to try something new: I am handing over my means of payment. He will hold onto my credit cards, my check book and my debit card. I cannot trust myself and I need help. I am not going to take time off from work to do some intensive outpatient program and yet, I really need some outside intervention because my mind cannot be trusted to do the right thing. If he can just hold onto my money, the temptation will be less because it simply will not be possible to purchase binge food. I realize that there is food at work but it does not constitute a binge because it is in small amounts.

I wonder if this will work. I need it to. I am desperate.

Tonight in celebration, I went to Bertucci's with my best friend who is a binge eater and infrequent laxative abuse (which I suppose also makes her bulimia but she would never call it that). I ate 6 rolls, a whole calzone, chai soy latte, chocolate mousse, and 2 almond chocolate bars from Starbucks. I am about to puke and I cannot wait for it to be over. Then I will wash the vomit off of my face, maybe take a shower, pack a bag and drive to my boyfriend's house. I cannot wait to sleep next to him where I feel safe from myself. I am my own worst enemy and I am afraid of myself.

Hopeless

I feel hopeless and out of control today. I have already b/p 3 times. It is out of control and my throat is stinging from the acid in my esophagus. When I was feeling hopeful about and desire for recovery over the weekend, I requested that my boyfriend do me a favor: Please ask me every night whether I threw up. And he has asked very night. I regret it because I am so ashamed. I thought that my desire to please him would be an incentive to withstand the cravings. But in fact, the pressure to be sober has really made it difficult and in fact has worsened my cravings.

Last night, after he asked the question and I admitted that I had fucked up, he told me that his patience was not going to last forever, that there was a limit at what he could do and that he could not "see a future with someone who is destroying herself." That last part hurt so much. It has made me even more sick today. I feel like I am sabotaging a good thing and yet someone else is pulling the strings. I am a puppet, a robot, possessed with some demon. Except the worst part about it is that I know I am possessed and being controlled and that is what is so frightening. I am frightened of this bulimia. It has taken over. Even as I write this, I am eating 1.75 quart of Edy's Samoas ice cream. In the last hour, I have consumed two bagels with cream cheese from Dunkin Donuts, 2 pieces of cake, an entire chicken with mayo (minus the legs which I ate yesterday), and now this ice cream.

I am a disgusting pig.