Tough night

Restlessness and anxiety the entire day and night. Difficulty concentrating at work on my clients. Obsessing about when my next bite will come from. Feeling frustrated after it is over. Feeling like waiting until tomorrow morning is too long and I will go crazy. Tried to watch TV tonightwith fiance but it was difficult. I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin and I could not relax. Sometime I wonder if I am being punished, like maybe this is the penance for my sins. Or maybe this is the consequence of my actions.

I hate this. But I am not turning back now I really wish I could have peace.

Constant obsessions

1 month tomorrow, God willing. I wish I could say the urges have gotten easier but they have not. I suppose they are easier in the sense that there is not the option to give in to them but I am forced to ride them out. I am OBSESSED with food. I can't sit still or concentrate. I am a restless soul. If I have something to drink or eat, I feel better. But who can drink for 2 hours straight and there are only so many vegetables one can consume. As it is, I have such bad gas pains and the bloat is terrible!

The truth is I have never not been restless, except maybe when I was young but even then i had high-grade anxiety and distress relating to the family dysfunction.

I still maintain there is no way I would have made it through grad school without my bulimia. When I binge, I am calm and focused. I can work through negative feelings without food but the restlessness for no apparant reason is the most difficult.

I am back!

Not sure who at this point would be reading this but need to start writing again. I have 3 weeks and 1 day free from bulimia. I have had ups and downs, mostly downs the past 2 years. This is the first time in 2 years that I have been able to gt more than a week!

I an getting married May 29, 2010. Those of you who had read my earlier posts know how obsessed I was with finding the man of my dreams. Well I found him! Not sure he is whom I pictured my life with but I feel as though my dream have come true.

I have vowed for the past 6 months to begin a strong recovery program so that on my wedding day and days after into my marriage, I would be present. My mind would not be obsessed with food. I would be feeling joy to the fullest. I would be in the moment for once.

Not sure why being in the moment is so scary. I am so restless, ALL THE TIME. The seconds go by so slow. I have an anxiety about time.