better today

i am still depressed today but i know it is pms.

i talked to him last night. i told him i wanted to slow down, that i understood he needed to explore whom else was out there after his recent divorce in may and 10 years of marriage and that we were moving way too fast. i even went as far as to tell him i was starting to feel "somewhat vulnerable" and i did not want to be feeling that so soon. he was very nice and understanding about it in fact. he said he felt the same way and had been thinking about it. now at least i feel like we are now on the same page and i have no expectations.

i have a date with him tomorrow. and i am going to play it very cool, flirty but not too much. and sexual intimacy!!! just want to have fun. we are going to walk around brookline, will show him my old college (boston college) and then off to dinner and an improv show.

the thing is i am VERY attracted to him. for some reason, i have always been attracted to dark men. i have dated mostly middle eastern, indian, and hispanic men. i love that black hair, dark eyes look. i am very fair myself and look irish and there is something about the contrast in skin that is a turn-on to me. my family always jokingly but also seriously asks me what the guy's ethnicity is of whom i am dating. paul is italian but he is very dark for an italian. i need to control my attraction to him.

i also emailed other guys on match and i feel a lot less vulnerable because of that.

i have a question for jennifer though: when the guy you became exclusive with was still online, did you confront him about it? and how do you admit to someone that you were checking up on him? i have way too much pride. in fact, most guys do not have any idea how jealous and insecure i am.

just for today, i feel confident that i will not be bingeing and purging. i do not want to feel tired tomorrow or have bad skin for the date. i wish i could do it just for myself but i am not there yet.

i am nutty

so i had a mini nervous breakdown today. i know it has to do with pms. i get paranoid and hysterical the week before my period, given the right triggers. and what could be more of a trigger than this new "love" in my life or rather my dance with false intimacy?

i am obsessed. in fact, i am just as unhealthy with men as i am with food. things have been going great with this guy. and then last night he did not call because he was out at a pub until 1:30am. he emailed me at that hour saying he would call today. but who stays out at a pub until 1:30am on a work night? and then today he never emailed me back and i noticed he was online on match.com for 3 hours. he just called me around 8:15 but i did not pick up. his message was not as cheerful as it is usually. granted i know that today was his first day back to school as a teacher. but why was he on match.com for so long?

ok guys, here comes the crazy part of this! i have known him LESS THAN 2 WEEKS!!!!!!
yes, have only been out with him 5 times. they were intense dates, long dates, romantic ones but i have known him less than 2 weeks.

i just do not deal well with any sort of change. he has been emailing me 3-4 times per day, calling everyday, telling me how much he likes me, that he has told his friends about me, getting a better deal with T-Mobile so he can talk to me more during the day, made me a gourmet dinner, having me meet his friends this weekend, etc. so why the change? why no email today? why no phone call last night? what happened? and it is not in my imagination. i have had my sister and friends read the emails, and they have picked up on a change as well. "what changed?" they ask.

maybe he has taken a step back and that is a good thing. maybe this was moving too fast anyway. but i feel hurt and i cannot help it. i cried a lot today. i found myself wishing i could take a break from this life, go to sleep and not wake up. i considered taking extra ativans so i could pass out early. and when i am in that much pain, the bulimia BARELY TAKES THE EDGE OFF!!!!!! i do not even have that to count on anymore.

the worst part of it is that all this time over the last 2 weeks, i knew it would end. good times with people always end. i can never count on anyone. only myself. and i cannot even trust myself to take care of myself. i am 30 years-old with no prospects of marriage, children, etc. why does it matter so much for me? am i wanting to make up for my horrible childhood?

so these are some of my crazy thoughts. it helps to write them down. i guess i will call him back now.

disgusted

well, as i stood over the toilet tonight vomiting up caramel cookies, lemon coconut cake and ice cream, i felt disgusted by it. i know that is an obvious normal reaction to those of you out there who are not bulimic, but for me, it is a feeling i have not felt too often because i have become so desensitized to it. but tonight just a few minutes ago, i felt truly disgusted. and i got no pleasure from it. in fact, i have half a cake left in the kitchen that i have no desire to consume.

it has been too long since i have blogged and i have missed it. even though i check everyone else's for entries, there is something very therapeutic about this online journal for me. i love that it is anonymous and i can be completely honest and yet am able to receive everyone's feedback and support.

i met someone new. his name is paul. the first date was almost two weeks ago, really the last time i blogged. i remember doing a quick b/p before i met him for ice cream and i almost ended up cancelling because i was so exhausted from the purge. i was also convinced it would be another disappointing date, maybe because his profile said he was divorced, maybe based on how the first conversation on the phone went.

all i know is that it was one of the best first dates i have ever had. and i have seen him 4 other times since and all the dates have gone great. in fact...too great. i am just expecting things to end in a matter of time. i am so negative when it comes to men and romance. things are going along great...why can't i just enjoy it and take it one step at a time? why do i feel so vulnerable so quickly?

i need to slow things down in my mind and not be thinking crazy thoughts such as the holidays and how i want him to come with me to see my brother at thanksgiving. i do not know this person and i need to calm the fuck down. i think that is why i have been unwilling to let my bulimia go. it has been comforting these last couple weeks to get lost in a b/p and forget this feeling of vulnerability.

there will always be a reason to b/p: loneliness, anger, frustration, stress and most of all fear. i will never be completely free of these feelings. but i have got to learn to overcome this demon.

the good news is that i have certainly not engaged in this behavior everyday. i have gone 3 days in a row, usually 2. and then i will break down and do it once. like tonight, i got home from work around 7:30, was tired, got paged twice and had to intervene by the phone and decided to do it once. it was not even worth it. but at least i am not spending $20 a day for 3-4 episodes.

i need to try harder. i can't give up. i need a good solid few weeks of clean time. tomorrow is another day i guess.

Day #2

i am back on track. at least i am trying. just got home from a full day at the hospital and saw two clients for therapy at night. both were males and currently at the emotional level of adolescents. both have courage admitting they need help. both are alcoholic; in fact one is dying from alcoholism, has brain atrophy from drinking so much over the last 18 years and is at risk of seizures should he drink and attempt to detox at home. he is only 30 years-old.

i really need to get serious about my recovery. enough is enough. it is just so hard the first couple of days. i want to be healthy for my clients. my passion is my work and if i am throwing up everyday, how can i expect my client to stay sober?

my plan tonight is to take a walk, eat a snack, watch a little tv and go to bed early. i have Date #4 with paul tomorrow, date #1 with another paul on Thursday and i am going alone to a classical piano concert at the paulist center in boston friday night. i don't care about going alone. i am of the belief that if i do things i love, even if i do them alone, i will more likey enjoy the present instead of obsessing about the future. (and i may attract someone who has the same interests!!)

ok am starving right now but i have these anorexic rules about no eating after a certain hour. today for breakfast: i ate a cup of lowfat plain yogurt with a cup of kashi cereal and 1/2 cup of berries; for lunch: 2 pieces of wheat bread, a big salad with lots of veggies and a 1/2 cup of cottage cheese, real dressing with olive oil (only 2 tablespoons with extra vinegar), and an apple; for a snack: a cup of cantelope; for dinner: another big salad with 3 veggie meatless balls for dinner. and i am starving. i suppose i should have more fat in my diet, maybe some almonds. i suppose i could eat some more fruit or maybe one of those lowfat bags of popcorn that are like 130 calories. i don't know. i can't stand these food decisions, especially when i am tired.

i give you all my word though: No b/p at least for today. will worry about tomorrow during tomorrow.

depressed

well guys, i am going to get through the day without a b/p. i even left my money cards at home this morning so i would not be tempted. i realize that when i b/p and don't work through and feel my feelings, that they come back to haunt me later. wouldn't i love to escape right now and eat a whole pecan pie and just get lost in the tv? it would be great because right now, i am feeling so damn sorry for myself.

that guy ed i wrote about a while back... i do not think i ever finished the story about him and how it ended (or maybe i did.) i am still feeling really sad and disappointed that he chose to date a million women on match.com rather than just be with me. i know it is ridiculous but everything he said and his actions did not add up to that decision. the pictures he showed me when he was little, the "i miss you, when can i see you again?"s, the 3am nights of talking and listening to music, taking my hand in church, disclosing some really pathetic insecurities and body image issues of his own, etc, etc, etc....i could go on and on.

i feel so played and used and now forgotten. i usually do not misjudge people like that but i keep replaying everything he said and did and the only conclusion i am able to come up with is that he felt differently than me and that he was looking for a little fun (albeit intense fun) before moving away to california in a couple months. it wasn't a real connection for him.

and what keeps infecting my wound is this stupid-ass cd issue. (sorry to be so dramatic). this guy has 2 of my very favorite cd's. i sent him an email 3 weeks ago telling him i wished him well and to please send them back. guys, it was a VERY warm and nice email and i felt good sending it. well, he never responded and no cd's sent back.

so last week i sent him another email and this time it was curt and perhaps cold if one read it that way. 2 sentences: "just a friendly reminder to send me my cd's back. i don't want to purchase new ones, however, if you have no intention of sending them back, please let me know." no goodbye or good luck. did not even sign or put my name. well, he wrote back the next day and told me he will send them by fedex last friday and hoped i was well. and ladies, this may seem irrational, but that email really got to me. it was just a confirmation that he could give a flying fuck....that he really was and is indifferent and he had forgotten and didn't even have the time to respond to my last email. see to me, indifference feels so much worse than abuse or someone acting like an asshole. if he had never emailed me back, i would feel better.

then today, he sends me an apologetic email for not sending them last week like promised and that he will send them tomorrow and again, that he hopes i am well.
indifference. no desire to be with me. i had hoped he would call me after we ended things to tell me he was wrong, that he missed me, that he DID want to be with me.

but that is not going to happen, is it?

made it through today and did not b/p. day #1.

sick thoughts

I am very depressed. I am not sure if it is hormonal or what but i found myself crying last night when i went for my walk. i felt hopeless like nothing was ever going to change. all of these negative thoughts kept screaming in my head: "you will always be alone because of your mistakes, you are ugly, you are old, you are fat, you are a cow, you are out of control, you are unstable, you are a crazy person, you are DEFECTIVE, noone will want you, you are not special or good enough to find love or be loved, you will always be alone because you do not deserve anything good!!!!!!!!," etc.

pretty sick thoughts, huh?

after the thoughts, i start to think, why am i even here? and then i start to contemplate death and find myself wishing i could go to sleep and not wake up. the thing is i would never consider suicide because i am too afraid of what is on the other side and i worry to much about how my family would react. but when i am this depressed, i do wish i could take a break from life and take a long nap for a few months.

i wish i could stop this b/p cycle. i have spent soooo much money and i cannot afford it. my skin is disgusting and i am bloated and very tired. it is not worth it!! for 10 minutes of fucking pleasure? as if gorging is pleasure but it for me.

i have so enjoyed reading everyone's blogs. i had no idea such support was online. and it is great because almost all of us are about the same age. we are not teenagers but rather working woman with careers and goals, some single, some married. and yet we are still struggling with this demon. a demon i thought was just for young people (i.e., teenagers and college-aged women).

tomorrow is another day. the demon wants me to give up and give in and be hopless. but i am going to set another deadline and try again. i have to, there is too much to lose in my life.

frustrated

i did it tonight, one time. i came home with every intention to be good but found an empty apartment and my stomach growling. i did not buy anything but binged on what i could find: Kashi cereal (with sugar i added to it), wheat low carb pasta (with lots of butter, salt and cheese added), and 5 sliced of whole wheat toast (again with lots of butter). oh and a Kashi granola bar and 2 pieces of fruit. yes i purged fruit!! crazy. i am sick.

when i arrived home, i felt so exhausted from work and very restless. i am always worked up after seeing clients. the adrenaline is pumping from working 11 hours and hearing intense stories. in fact today i was so restless about work tonight that i felt compelled to eat my dinner at 3pm rather than 6. and then of course by 7:30 when i finished work, i was starving. i completely set myself up. i cannot seem to tolerate any intense feeling.

anyway, i only did it once and i am going to bed now. i keep thinking of that $955 i spent and what i could have used that money for...

a step backwards

ok, so i did not do well today. i meant to do well and i felt pretty strong this morning. but late afternnon, i had intense cravings. it dawned on me later that i have been b/p every day around 4:00pm after work. and this is when my cravings hit me today.

i was with my best friend who also has eating and body image issues (i.e.,binging without purging.) we walked around, got some ice cream, and went to church. well right after the ice cream, i began to obsess about the rest of the pecan pie and frozen chicken fingers that were left over from yesterday's gorging. i was planning on taking that pie to work tomorrow and was naive to think it would not be a trigger. well i was wrong. by the time mass ended and we were sitting down to thai food, i had made up my mind that i was going to give in and get my favorite noodle curry dish and sticky rice dessert and that i would come home to more eating and finish off the food from yesterday. and that is what i did.

throwing up has become more difficult. i spend 15 minutes in the bathroom and have to drink 4 glasses of water for each purging episode. it is a bitch and i am exhausted by the end of it.

all i can do is start again tomorrow. i made healthy lunches for the week, mixed greens, steamed veggies and grilled chicken marinated in a ginger sesame sauce. nice and healthy. the good thing is that my roommates are home tomorrow night and i have to work late, two reasons that will deter me from b/p if i try my best. this is so hard. and it worries me that i set a deadline and was not able to make it. will everyday be a serious deadline now that i will not be able to keep? last time it was not this difficult, maybe because i knew i would have to be accountable to my friend in ny.

oh yeah, and i forced myself to calculate how much money i have spent. since my relapse in march, i have spent $955.21 on binge food. since my slip 2 weeks ago, i have spent $274. this is insane!!! absolutely insane. i am a social worker and do not make a lot of money. i am disgusted with myself but all i can do is try harder tomorrow.

i am about to drink a cup of kava tea and hope it will knowck me out. is anyone familiar with kava kava as a sleeping aid? goodnight.

disgusting

so just to degrade myself even more (because that is really what bulimia is all about, isn't it?), i am going to list my binge foods for the day. mind you, when i am bulimic, at least within this phase of it in my life, i purge about 3-4 times daily. years ago, i would purge 7-8 times daily. today it will be 5 total. it was and continues to be a bad day. do not continue to read unless you are prepared to be grossed out. i feel the need to be honest with myself and so i document today's binge food.

so what did i eat? i ate a pan of brownies, 1/2 a package of raw cookie dough (philsbury), an order of buffalo wings with blue cheese, a medium sausage pizza with extra cheese, an order of mozzarella sticks, 2 small subway subs (italian and roast beef with cheese and lots of mayo), 3/4 of a family size prego 3-cheese frozen lasagna, the rest of my cobb salad from earlier when out to dinner with my mom, a serving size of these gross honey mustard chicken fingers, also frozen, 1/2 of a pecan pie, and a pint of chicken salad, oh yeah and 4 pieces of toast with butter, sugar and cinnamon. how is that for disgusting? all of that food and money down the toilet.

as i am writing this i am trying to finish the lasagna and pecan pie. i do not want any of this around tomorrow and if it is, it will be dumped because i am TIRED of the madness and insanity of this demon.

tomorrow it is over. i cannot go on like this. i have spent over 200 dollars in the past 2 weeks. i cannot afford this and i think it is killing me slowly.

my new deadline

i have a date tonight. the communication so far has not gone the way i like it. i like boundaries, rules, behavior that is predictable and certain. this guy emailed me multiple times per day last week and through the weekend and then no contact since monday until late this afternoon. the way we left it monday was that we would meet tonight.

finally he calls literally as i am walking in to my therapy session at 4:00 and i think he says he is "steven" rather than "david". i have no idea who steven is and i panic because all of the sudden i cannot remember if i somehow gave a "steven" my phone number and now he is calling. i have been emailing multiple people and yet, why is this "steven" trying to firm up plans for tonight at 7:30pm. the only plans and tentative ones at that were with a "david" with whom i spoke briefly on monday morning on my way to work following numerous wonderful emails from him. so rather than firm things up, i nervously told him i would call him back.

finally i realize i must have misheard him and that this was in fact david. i call him back an hour later and no answer. i leave a message, apologizing for my scattered affect on the phone earlier and confirmed i would like to see him tonight. no call back. i call again around 7:20, wondering what in the hell is wrong with the communication here? are we on for tonight or are we not? and if we are not, i am pissed that i just wasted time taking a shower and getting pretty. i would much rather be binging and purging anyway. now i am hoping he does not call back and already have planned what i will purchase for binge food. a few minutes later, he calls back and wants to meet at 8:15 and so here i am...writing this blog trying to pass the time because lately, i am so restless with any amount of free time. i want to crawl out of my skin sometimes.

some of you have written about how difficult and dangerous purging has been. i wish i had some of that normal and healthy fear. some fear is good because if we pay attention to it, it can keep us safe. and yet, i have no fear about bulimia, only superficial concerns like my skin will break out, i will be bloated, my family will find out and my reputation will be ruined.

purging is far too easy for me. the food somes up silently if i want it to in minutes. and the damage of the binge is gone but am i damaging my body? am i kidding myself?

my new deadline ladies is sunday. my last date with bulimia will be saturday. there i wrote it. saturday, not sunday. because i would like to have some energy going into my 12 hour work day on monday.

i want to go into my favorite month of october feeling good. it is my favorite season. i will let you all know how the date goes.

all or nothing

i am back in the cycle--big-time. in the last week, i have spent more than $100 on binge food and i know because i force myself to keep track of it. yesterday, i made it through the whole day probably because i did nothing but work but today slipped back in.

part of my ambivalence about writing is that one of my best friends reads this from time to time. he is the friend i visited in nyc more than 1 week ago for my birthday and he is the major reason i made it through 5 weeks of no b/p behavior. now i feel embarrassed writing this in case he reads it. and yet, i miss writing and feel very much a sense of community here even though we have never met each other in person. even when i do not write, i read all of your blogs.

i have been ashamed of my bulimia this past week. but the shame cycles in more bulimia rather than recovery. even now, as i write this, i have a cookie in my mouth. in fact, i just gorged on half a box of lemon cookies (you know the artificial cheap kind that has like 100 cookies in this huge package?), a pint and a 1/2 of ben and jerry's, a huge bowl of granola cereal and toast with butter. the only pleasure i have after binging is that the desire for more food finally leaves my mind. i have no desire. i care about nothing. i feel nothing. and so this blog is very much half-assed.

for those of you out there who have some clean time, congrats! read my blog and remember how good your abstinence feels with your mind, body and spirit. savor it. i know i did a few weeks ago. you do not want to go back. this is a nightmare. i keep thinking i will wake up and be relieved that this was all just a horrible dream.